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I SHOT Myself!

I'll get right to the point. I'm 41 years old never touched drugs at all not even prescription anything til I was 34. I have 2 awesome boys and at the time was extremely overweight divorced and didn't have any family to speak of. I had a great job matter of fact 3 of them.

My childhood sucked like many people I have met through recovery. I had a good mother who worked ALL the time to support me and my sister but after my mom and dad divorced she married the devil himself. I know now she just wanted to be loved too. At the age of 8 my step father started molesting me and eventually at the age of 10 took my virginity. I remember trying to tell my mother and her response was "stop lying and trying to ruin my marriage".

Finally at the age of 12 I stood up to him and at 1 am I called my dad to come get me 500 miles away and he did. My life was great then. The step mom tried her best to love me but I was an interference in their new life so I didn't really fit in.

I didn't see my mom again til I graduated high school that was her choice. About 6 months after I left the step father started molesting my sister. I carry this guilt to this day. Anyway I found myself over the next 17 years trying to find love married an older man for him to runaround on me for years still no addiction.

Divorced and met a man I thought accepted me for who I was. Little did I know he was an addict. My father passed away at 47 from cancer, the only GOOD man I ever knew. I was devastated. My kids at the time were young and the new man in my life thought he knew how to help me get through the pain.

It started with smoking a little pot, then taking xanax, soma, lortab all of them on a daily basis. It progressed very fast to crank and cocaine.

Within 3 months time I was shooting cocaine and thought I had found the answer to everything. Within 2 months I lost all 3 jobs, found myself slinging for my habit. Of course the boyfriend was too. I lived like that for 4 years, shooting coke at least 10 times a day and when I ran out, anything else I could melt down.

His disease progressed to shooting meth which one day led to his death at 42. Upon his autopsy I discovered he had HEP C. Guess what I have it too now. I wanted my life to change but at the same time didn't believe I was worthy of having a "NORMAL" life.

I carried around the hurt from my childhood, the hurt from the 13 year failed marriage, what I had become while with this now deceased man who had given me HEP C, why try is all I thought about.

After years of shooting dope, cocaine and heroine when I couldn't find my drug of choice. My veins were all collapsed. I would shoot in my hands, arms, feet, legs, chest, breast, neck and even a few times, my temples. I still have track marks in all these places.

My body because of all the abscesses over the years was in bad shape. A "friend turned my on to crack. I thought I would never get off the needle but I had discovered the cure, I thought.

It became an obsession. I smoked everyday.

I met another man I will call my angel. He was sooooo different from anyone I hung with or ever knew. He did not use nor ever did. I hid my addiction from him for 6 months until he realized normal people don't go from a size 16 to a 4 in 3 months.

An intervention occurred and I went to rehab. This is not the end of the story. In rehab I found myself switching meds with other patients by "cheeking" I wasn't there because I was ready I was doing it for my family.

I got out, starting using again secretly and 5 rehabs later still not clean. I have overdosed 3 times been shocked back to life twice, once with my children watching. I should NOT be here today.

The ultimatum to get clean or lose the man I loved and my boys. I knew I couldn't do it. There was toooo much trauma I felt I could never deal with so I got as high as I could and still stand up put a .22 hollow point in my sons rifle wrote a letter and shot myself in the chest point blank range.

Hollow points explode into multiple fragments once they enter the body. To my surprise I didn't die instantly. I remember everything, the burning, pain, seeing the wound, seeing the blood and air escaping from my lung from the outside, my belly feeling full as if it were going to pop.

I remained in and out of consciousness until I got to the hospital and heard the doctor say get her to surgery, she's gonna die!

I made it through 5 surgeries in 9 days and a 6th at week two in the hospital from my hearts pericardium bleeding. The fragments were moving still.

After 41 days in the hospital and all the %@#?! I went through, guess what, within 4 months of being home I'm using again. Long story short....

Here is the bottom line, I'm clean today and have been a very long time. The reason "I" decided to STOP was for ME. I had to learn to deal with all the hurt from my past childhood, marriage, relationships, feeling like a failure etc. etc.etc.

NO ONE COULD DO THAT BUT ME!!!! NO MATTER WHAT LIFE HAS DEALT YOU AND HOW MANY WONDERFUL PEOPLE SUPPORT YOU WITH EVERYTHING THEY HAVE, YOU MY FRIEND ARE THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN HELP YOURSELF!!!!!

I'm here to promise you this, if you get serious about addressing the issues it will NOT be easy or pleasant, but there is a life that is so incredibly awesome out there for you.

It takes awhile and as addicts we love INSTANT gratification, but if your willing to try anything to get high, try anything to be sober.

Have faith in yourself!!!!

Do it for you!!!!!

Love and embrace the people who are good for you and have tried to help but they always seemed to piss you off. The only reason they did that is because they were taking away what you felt like was more important.

I promise there is life without drugs for you. Don't let your desire for them make you a statistic like it almost did me.

With all my love and support for your journey, I hope this helps!