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Am I an enabler?

by Anonymous

Am I considered an enabler by not setting boundaries for my husband smoking crack in our home. Also, am I fooling myself by not thinking he has a problem because he only does it a couple times a week? Sometimes three.

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There are no easy answers when dealing with drug abuse.
by: Debbie Wicker

Each of us is uniquely and wonderfully made, and because of this each of us responds differently to each drug that we use or abuse. Some of us can use crack cocaine two or three times a week and never get addicted to it. Others of us use it once and are immediately hooked, our addiction is so intense that we keep using more and more until it kills us. Still others, can use three times a week and then all of the sudden we begin to need more and more and we can't stop.

How your husband will respond to using crack I can't say. He may be able to use it two or three times a week for the rest of his life and never get addicted. Or, more likely, he will start using three times a week, then four, then every day and then it will be twice a day and he won't be able to control his addiction or quit.

From your question, it sounds like you don't like the fact that he is using crack. Because crack has no medical benefits, is an illegal drug and often causes a very dangerous addiction it's not at all surprising that you are unhappy with his drug use.

I'm not sure I would say you're enabling his addiction but you certainly could take a more active role in convincing him to quit. I would HIGHLY recommend that you begin attending Al-anon meetings in your area.

Going to Al-anon and working the 12 steps will help you to understand your husband's drug abuse and develop a plan to help him to quit. Hopefully, once you have been attending meetings for a while, you will be able to invite your husband to go and he will also learn to work the steps.

Once you're both working the 12 steps, setting a boundary that says you don't want illegal drug abuse in your home should become possible.

Good Luck,

Debbie

Am I an enabler
by: Anonymous

Thanks for responding. I will explore going to groups. You were correct when you picked up on the fact that I don't like him using in our home because if he has a buddy that wants to join in then he can come to our house and join in also.

I do believe that his use has escalated because when we first met I knew he did something but not to the magnitude that he is using now. Plus the number of years that he has done it and the age he is.

I am surprised that a person can use for over 20 years but not be addicted. I can see if a person can go months without using but every week seems like an addiction but I am not an expert. He even says he is not addicted because he doesn't steal to feed his habit. I just wonder if I wasn't around to buffer what would he do. But when I left for a couple months last year he pawned my wedding ring and a diamond tennis bracelet and I paid all the bills while I was gone so he had nothing to worry about.

He says I left him destitute because I have the stable job plus the business we have is in my name because he can't get it in his.

I will look into counseling but he just told me yesterday to worry about getting myself help not him. He has anger issues and I always get called out of my name. I want us to go to counseling so bad. I even recently wrote him a letter pouring out my heart and he basically said to get over it because he wasn't reading it.

He has not said it in words but basically is punishing me for leaving but he got physical and then said it was my fault for treating him bad. But I came back but it has not been the same but I will take your advice.

Am I an enabler
by: Anonymous

So a person can use like that and not be considered an addict? What about the effects of long term use. I get accused of things that I have not done plus he is very paranoid.

He has a lot of the symptoms that I have read about on your site. Is this from the long term use since he really isn't considered an addict? He has used for over 20 years so I guess I can see what you are saying about him not really being addicted. Maybe he has trained himself that way.

I will say that as long as he has money he will use even if it is every day. Not all day long but at night. He is paranoid and he does have mood swings. I never know what mood he is going to be in. I am just concerned about the effects from using for so many years. Could this be possible?

I am going to try the support groups but my husband says I don't know how because if he ever found out he would be very upset with me. We only have one car and when I am not at work he keeps it in case he needs it. I guess that's why I am online trying to get as much information as I can.

Thank you

May not be addicted but he certainly has very unacceptable behavior.
by: Debbie Wicker

So glad to hear that you're going to start attending Al-anon support groups. I'm not sure if deciding whether or not your husband is addicted or abusing crack is the key concern for you.

The issue you need to address is that he is spending way too much money and time on crack and it is causing severe negative consequences in your relationship.

I truly believe that going to Al-anon twice a week is going to help you to figure out what action you need to take to set appropriate boundaries with your husband. Physical abuse is NEVER acceptable and you need to learn the best way to move forward in your relationship to avoid continuing to live with all of the negative consequences crack is causing for you, your husband and your marriage. Al-anon is a great place to go to get those answers.

Debbie

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