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Can you save a relationship when the trust is gone?

by Hopeless
(Virginian)

Dope is his girlfriend

I've been engaged to my mate for 3 years now. I'm scared to make that leap. I've known him longer than 3 years though. We have two daughters.

We were friends first before we fell in love with each other. While we were friends he did eventually confide in me that he did heroin. I accepted him flaws and all. Not knowing what that secret fully meant.

We both grew up rough, he was raised by his grandmother both parents suffered from drug abuse. I grew up with violence, drug and alcohol abuse. i never judged him in the beginning. I understood him at first but I didn't know what heroin does to our love ones. Now I do!

Because I wasn't familiar with the signs I always assumed he was a functional addict. But when we started living together boy did I learn. My partner couldn't hold a job he was always out chasing, lack motivation and drive to do basic things like bath or shave. He started stealing mostly from stores, he stole from me once. He would nod off while playing with our daughters.

The environment just became tense and I hated him for all the lies and broken promises. Well, I mentioned he stole from me once when he did that he also stole my trust and love. I never thought he would do that to me. I know it was the drugs but I couldn't get pass it. We started to disconnect emotionally we are usually super in tune with each other.

Well, he could see the rift it had caused and he signed up for rehab. He had to wait til his classes were over (he is really smart and has so much going for himself) he was scheduled to go in on a Monday. Well, that Friday before he was scheduled to go to rehab he got caught stealing. I was so angry it was just 2 more days til peace. He ended up getting 10 months which he is currently serving.

By the way this is my 2ND time having him ripped away from our lives because of breaking the law. So, I have yet to forgive him this time it hurts so bad I don't want to forgive him because I fear he will hurt me all over.

Well, a month ago his brother passed away. His brother was his only family member left that loved him unconditionally. He didn't do any wrong in his brothers eyes. (he lost his gma a few years ago, I thought that would change him but no) his brother passed away from an overdose of molly.

His brother was married with two kids and a stable good job. He was a good man and used drugs recreationally, he was an addict yet. So it hurt us all to see him go.

My fiance is taking it pretty hard. For the first few weeks we put our differences aside to deal with the loss of his brother. But now our issues are rising up again.

I hate that he is locked up and wants me to believe he will change when I have heard it all before. A part of me wants to believe that things happen for a reason and he had to get locked up because he was on his way to rehab and he would have been done by now, maybe he would have overdosed.

I have begun to talk to him any kind of way due to the loss of respect. I hate doing but it has come to that I know it's not healthy and I want to stop but I just hate him right now. I feel like why couldn't he make the right choices.

I really want to be with him but only if he can remain clean other than that I no longer want to be in this relationship. I'm tired of the vicious cycle of getting clean then relapsing. It's all to painful and consuming. I have told him this but he doesn't want to be apart. He wants to make it work and wants another chance but I'm not sure my mind or heart can take another let down. So I'm on the fence because I do love this man with all of me but I can't take the deceit and lies anymore.

I guess my question from this long story is how do I help myself? Can we save our relationship if my trust is gone? What is some advice you can give us? He will be out February 2016 and I think he's going to rehab right upon release, which is good because he can do time and be clean while locked for up to 1 years + but he seems to always make the choice to use again when he comes home. What should we do?

Comments for Can you save a relationship when the trust is gone?

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He has to CHOOSE not to use.
by: Debbie Wicker

Dear Hopeless,

You story has given me a pretty good idea of what has been happening in your relationship with your finance. Heroin addiction is a disease of the brain, which is characterized by relapse.

No one wants to be a heroin addict but their brain chemistry changes and they always feel like they MUST have the drug. The drug replaces everything else in their lives and it is VERY challenging to break away from heroin addiction.

Your finance has to CHOOSE to stop using. But the statistics are really bad, only 30% of heroin attacks recover from it, 70% don't.

I know exactly what you want from him but HE has to decide to stop and it sure doesn't sound like he has made that decision.

Most jails and prisons have AA 12 step programs which he could start going to ASAP for the next 8 months. Those programs can really help him learn how to change his life and make the decision not use heroin. I would tell him that you'll only keep contacting him while he is in jail if he goes to the AA 12 step program and agrees to work the steps and stop using.

You should also start going to Al-anon meetings and work the 12 steps too. You can work the steps together and learn about addiction at the same time. This should hopefully put you both on the same page.

Use this next 8 months as a time for him to begin his recovery, that's your best hope that he will stay clean when he gets out.

Good luck,

Debbie

Living with the person you love and is an addict
by: Anonymous

Hi,

I would like to share my story today about me and my man..my man is an heroin addict..and I feel like it's taking over our relationship and how he acts towards me..he is a totally different person when he is high..he is mentally abusive towards me last night for the first time ever he hit me because he promised me and gave me his word prior from leaving the hospital that he won't ever use again and that he was gonna break habit..

Well, unfortunately last night I caught him using again so I took his needles from him and he fought with me and for the first time ever he hit me...once he came back to reality I told him what he had done to me.. he told me he didn't remember doing that and that he was totally blacked out. I just can't believe he would do that to me..I feel like all is lost and I feel like I'm battling a demon. And of course it doesn't help cuz his mother is an addict as well..in fact she is the one who showed him how to use heroin...

This is a constant battle that is taking over not only our relationship but over me as well.. physically and mentally...he keeps telling me that he wants to quit but than he relapses...he needs help bad anyone has any solutions...I love this guy a lot and I want to see him clean.

Anytime there physical violence you need to protect yourself.
by: Debbie Wicker

Please consider moving somewhere else, while your man fights his addiction. Sadly, he is likely to get violent again and you need to protect yourself from him until he is clean.

Please consider going to Al-anon meetings in your area so that you can learn about addiction and also learn how to help your man end his addiction.

Good Luck,

Debbie

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