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Drug addiction ruined my life!!

by Natasha
(New York, NY)

I'm a 37 years old, very good looking and in shape woman, I look young and healthy, always smiling and social. No one would suspect that I was addicted to recreational drugs.

My first experiences were with weed maybe twice and cocaine 3-4 times before I turned 32 when I fell in love with a new fun half Asian beautiful guy. We are an exotic couple, I'm bold he is Asian both hot and tall and smart and funny. People loved us!!!

We both loved the techno scene so did his and my friends. I've never tried ecstasy before but always wanted to with the right person. So I did it with him. I was very afraid to get sick. It was an interesting experience, was sick after a day but ok.

We decided to do it on NYE in New York City techno wearhouse party. It was an absolute blast, we both were flying from the feeling, dancing, making out, making everyone jealous. It was a fairly tale. We still talk about it as one of the best life experiences.

After that night we stared to do ecstasy together here and there, first at parties, then at home. We loved doing it at home, connection and fun were unbelievable. All of our friends loved to party, we did so almost every weekend.

Then he started to bring cocaine home. I didn't want to do it, but eventually I started but very rarely. I didn't like the feeling much, it wouldn't last long. So mostly we did ecstasy at home.

His friends and I dreamed going to Ibiza (an island of the Spanish coast), all of us wanted to go for a long time and finally our dreams came true and two of his friends and I went in 2012 summer. We particularly wanted to see Richie Hawtin at Space Ibiza.

It was incredible, we all were incredibly excited. We bought MDMA in a local bar, very easy to get there, took it before club, 15 mins and it fully hit us with an amazing feeling of happiness. We laughed, smiled, the feeling was just indescribable!!! The night was insane. We were high all night dancing, I looked incredibly hot, it was magic!!! We partied for 3 nights straight and were exhausted and emotional.

Drugs make you feel emotional after using them, so we stared to fight often. We even broke up after our Ibiza trip but got back together again. The feeling and fun that we had together was hard to leave, we were obsessed with each other.

Didn't do drugs after that for probably 3 months and started again before NYE and on NYE. It was too much on our brains, we kept fighting after although had unbelievable experiences on it.

We also both lived music, went on many concerts together and we produced songs together, wrote lyrics and melodies, sung together. He played guitar very well and we had a very strong music connection. We felt like brother and sister, we were one, we were inseparable. It was truly a verb strong feeling that never experienced or ever will.

After our trip to Mexico we broke up again but didn't do drugs there. After a month we got back together and stated doing ecstasy almost every weekend. We moved in together. Started using cocaine more often too. We had major fights often.

We both had great jobs and tried to be careful.
We did drugs on holidays, vacations, weekends. We started to take less ecstasy but more cocaine. We already had relationship problems but cocaine didn't improve them.

After we got back from our Central American trip last year, we broke up for reasons I'm not explaining here. He basically left me.

I was this beautiful, smart, social girl living fancy life, had a fancy job, money. Everyone loved me, including his friends and family. I was a star and I acted like one.

After we broke up, it was a huge shock for me, I couldn't cope with it, it was extremely painful and I turned to alcohol and a lot of cocaine. I started doing it twice or three times a week sometimes. I turned into a depression, I couldn't work, eat, live. I felt extremely alone.

I lost the love of my life and all the experiences we had together. I cried a lot, I lost interest in everything. I couldn't date new guys either, I was a mess. I started doing cocaine more often and also I didn't mention earlier he introduced me to sleeping pills, Ambien, that I started taking too and it enhanced the feeling of drugs and alcohol.

We tried to get back together but it didn't work, we both turned into drugs. We were a mess!!

I got a new job at a very large firm, it was very hard to cope with all these changes. I had to move out and live with my parents for a month and a half in New Jersey. Commuted to work far, i was depressed. But somehow did it. I found a nice room in a very luxury building near my job, moved there, life seemed to be getting on track but no, I felt helpless, alone. I was still in love and hurt and couldn't date anyone. I felt empty!!

I did drugs here and there and but not as often although it was hard. I have a family history of alcohol abuse and doing all he drugs wasn't a great idea. It's strange I don't really like to drink.

Time passed by, we tried to meet and had good times but it always ended in pain a grief after and cocaine to cover the grief. I missed work because of cocaine and started to get noticed not to miss anymore.

I says that's it, I can't loose my life over this, it's past! So I tried my best to move on. I made a lot of new friends at work, I did a great job at work, I was popular, beautiful, everyone knew me loved me.

I met a Polish guy at work, 8 years younger. We became best friends, he knew all my secrets. We had many laughs at work together.

My new Polish friend introduced me to Adderall. Oh boy I loved it. It made me forget all my problems and concentrate at work better and I felt no emotions and started to forget my breakup. Adderall made me even more fun and chatty and social. I got my own prescription and started taking it every day.

I decided to try Tinder, dating app. I met a couple of people there, didn't work out before, so I went off it then back again and after numerous searches I met a guy from New Jersey. He is very good looking, great body. We chatted and texted for hours and hours every day, 2-5 hours a day. We clearly had a strong connection, but because I was coming off a relationship still and was on Adderal I didn't feel the same that hug felt for me.

He fell in love immediately, he was very serious, wants to plan future, marry me. Everything was too overwhelming for me, things stared to happen fast, he rushed me and I warned him not to rush that I'll get there I just don't feel the same yet. I was honest. He didn't listen.

I kept taking Adderall and turned into Percocet too. Sometimes I drunk with it, was even more fun. I acted like a bitch, full confidence, I was in top of the world.

We had an amazing time doing nature things, he is a country boy and introduced me to a lot of great things that I will never forget. He was in love, I liked him a lot and he took off my mind off things.

I stared to think that although we had all these chats and fun I didn't feel the connection that I felt with my ex. I couldn't like this new guy more plus he was a construction either who lived with mom and I felt like he had too many problems I didn't want to deal with. But I was honest and told him that I like to see other people he says ok. So I went on a couple of dates. We still talked but had constant fights. He wanted too much and I wasn't ready.

It was his birthday. I went to meet him in New Jersey from work. We want out to finger and then his home. We had wind and I had Ambien with me that I took at his house after that I forgot everything, apparently I took a bath and was acting weird, which was a very bad decision.

When I woke up the next morning, he told me that he looked into my phone and saw all the conversations with my friends and that I went on dates. He couldn't forgive and drove me home. I felt terrible and felt like I didn't want to loose him, I needed him. I was depressed that weekend and starts taking Adderall and Ambien, felt depressed.

We tried to get back together after but was unsuccessful and we broke up, long break up. I was very sad. I felt like I made a huge mistake. He really cared about me.

I started doing drugs more often to forget another pain and eventually I lost my job.
All of a sudden I have nothing. The guy who lived me left, I have no job, I'm alone, all I have is my Adderall and Ambien and Percocet and cocaine.
I did Ambien all weekend that weekend just to sleep.

After I stayed at parents house for about two weeks. I couldn't cope so I hit Percocet and Ambien again. I use it all in a short period of time.

So here I am in my apartment, lost almost everything I had, even done friends due to drugs.
I'm still beautiful but damaged and addicted to drugs. Who to tell? Sometimes I can't get out of bed and decided to try antidepressant, maybe that will make me feel stable. It didn't work for me, too many horrific side effects.
I will be sober now. I have a chance to fix my life and get over drugs and I will!

I'm a kind, fun, friendly, smart, beautiful pets. I will not be weak anymore, I will change my life and it will be even better now because I learned to appreciate everything through these horrible life experiences.

Comments for Drug addiction ruined my life!!

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Try to get the support you need to move past drugs
by: Debbie Wicker

Dear Natasha,

I feel like you are at a very dangerous crossroads. If you get the love and support you need, then you can move past your drug use and move toward fulfilling life that you're seeking.

But sadly, the more likely scenario is that you will move toward drugs and end up doing what ever is necessary to get the drugs you need. Drug addiction attacks our brains and is OFTEN fatal if left untreated.

Please consider telling your parents what is happening with you, going to a doctor for medical withdrawal support and going to AA or NA daily for the next 90 days to learn what addiction is and how you can move past it. The combination of drugs you're taking makes medical support for withdrawal even more critical.

There is a great life waiting for you without drugs and if you seek it it can still find it.

Debbie

Thank you
by: Natasha

Thank you Debbie for your message. I don't have withdrawal symptoms I believe but I do have lack of motivation and maybe I'm a little bit depressed.
I agree that I need to seek help because the damage that has been done and it is very important for me not to turn back.

I am excited about my future and a happy drug free life!! I have to stay positive and believe in myself. Only I can help me now :)

Thank you again!!

You missed my point, you need support to succeed.
by: Debbie Wicker

Dear Natasha,

I apologize because I wasn't clear on my last response. When you say:

"Only I can help me now :)"

I could not disagree with you more. We all need support and help to end our drug abuse and regain our lives. The entire point of my post is that you CANNOT do this alone. You must seek the help of others.

I'm not trying to burst your bubble, but believing you are the only one that can help you is a path to destruction. The issue all of us have with addiction is that we CAN'T do it by ourselves.

Please, please, please, go to some meetings and learn about addiction. The meetings are anonymous and will help you to see that you can't win this war by yourself. You are your own worst enemy.

I understand that you may not want to tell your parents but you need support otherwise old habits a very likely to reemerge.

Debbie

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