Feel like I'm all alone...
I have been addicted to opiates for 12 years. Started out with pain pills and progressed to IV heroin in the last year, when the pills proved to be too expensive and very hard to get.
I don't know how to want to quit. I SHOULD want to quit-I'm on the verge of losing my children through the courts if I don't get my act together immediately. I am newly prescribed Suboxone, but every time I start to take them, I will wait a day and I still go through PC withdrawals. I think the heroin I'm using is laced with long-lasting Fentenal and that's probably why.
I am almost afraid to get clean. I will have to face so many things that I've been in a haze for: losing my grandfather (passed away) and my grandmother (moved very far away) and they raised me because my mother was on crack cocaine.
Also, being attacked in my home when I was pregnant and having my throat slashed. Third, the father of my kid's killing himself because we couldn't quit drugs and me coming home to find him and being too late to cut him down, then ending up in the pysch ward from this. Then losing custody of my children and getting clean with Suboxone for a year to get them back only to relapse after more trauma, failing to be a good mother because I relapsed after that year clean (although they don't know this.), a newly opened CPS case where I will be expected to give a clean hair screen in a few months... and what if I can't quit heroin in time?
Last time was "just" pills. Just so many things I will have to face. On top of it all, I'm partially deaf and I do well in 1 on 1 conversations, but in N. A meetings I've never been able to hear anything in group settings. They have never helped me and I feel like I'm missing out on some kind of epiphany that others get.
If anyone I know is reading this, I know you can tell who I am because of all the identifying factors, but I'm desperate for help, please understand. If anyone has advice, please help. ANY advice is welcomed...please..I want to quit so much but I'm scared. What if I fail again?