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He'll always be the one I wish was by my side and the love of my life

by Heartbroken with so many questions

My ex had a horrible childhood. He had an absent alcoholic, drug addicted, abusive father and a mother who was the worse alcoholic I have ever seen and her alcoholism eventually killed her.

I grew up in the "perfect" middle class family. We were the most unlikely pair. He has spent over half his life in jail because of gangs and drugs (he's 32). We became friends when we were kids (16) and ways had this unexplainable connection/bond and closeness and loyalty that can't be explained.

After 10 years he finally admitted to me that he wanted to be with me and I felt the same. I told him that in order for that to happen he needed to give up drugs and alcohol 100% no exceptions.

He started drinking and using when he was 10 years old so I was nervous but he did it! For 3 years we had the most fulfilling amazing relationship. My "perfect" family adored him and everything was perfect.

Then, he started hanging out with a co-worker that I knew was trouble. He spent 3 years getting his life in order (got his GED, his license, off probation, had a great job, etc) no one could believe the changes in him.

I immediately recognized the warning signs of his new "friend" and expressed my concerns. It took a month before he started using again and I immediately ended the relationship. Within a month he landed in the ER and almost died and was having sex with different girls left and right.

Within a few months he was engaged to a drug addicted stripper. This all nearly killed me. It took me over a year to pull myself out of the deep depression this put me into.

Within a year of us splitting up he was in jail for 18months. Fast forward 3 years after we broke up and he's out of jail and he contacts me. I'm still in love with him and never got over him.

He tells me he's addicted to heroin (the ONE drug he's never done) and needs me, still loves me, has been miserable since we split up which is why he started using heroin. He admits he doesn't know if he can give it up but wants to and needs me to help him detox and get clean.

I help him over the course of 2 1/2 months detox 3 times and start using again, put myself $5,000 in debt supporting him and pray we can have back what we once had. He swears he is still in love with me. Naturally he says all the right things but is also open and honest that he doesn't know if he can do it.

After all is said and done I find out that the last week he was staying with me he was contacting his ex/fiancé telling her he loves her, misses her, is just using me, etc. knife to the heart. He tells me that he doesn't want her but she gives him free heroin and that's why he did what he did.

I have kicked him out and cut all contact with him which was hard but I know it's what I need to do. I've been told how heroin addicts lie, steal, cheat and use anyone and everyone but I thought I was different because of our past and deep love for each other. I'm hurting every day but thankfully I'm not tempted to contact him and the few times he's texted me I haven't responded.

What kills me the most is wondering if he really meant it when he said he was still in love with me (I was the ONLY person he ever gave up drugs and alcohol for) but he can't kick the addiction or is he in love with his ex/fiancé and I was just a pawn in his game. Was I lied to and used or is she being lied to and used for heroin?

It sickens me that he can have sex with one girl one day and a different girl the next. I want to believe that he will always love me like I will always love him but he can't kick the drugs. I hate feeling like the man I am forever in love with (but will never be with) told me he feels the same but it was all lies and I was being used.

His life with me would be 100% drug free, I have zero tolerance! His life with her is drug fueled and she does the drugs with him. He swears that all it is between them is drugs and that he tells her what he needs to to get heroin.

Even though I  am done with him and will not allow him back into my life I have this need to know if he really loves me like he said. Numerous family members and friends tell me that they don't think he and I will ever be over each other but that I need to continue to stay away from him, which I intend to do.

It's hard to feel like I will always be settling for my second choice and always want him. Why do I have this need to know if he really does love me and want me but can't kick the heroin or if I was just a game?
 

Comments for He'll always be the one I wish was by my side and the love of my life

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Addiction is an awful disease that effects the entire family.
by: Debbie Wicker

You are experiencing what MANY of us experience. We want things to be as they ought to be but have trouble accepting things as they actually are.

Your ex has many issues mental and emotional health issues, likely caused by his abusive and neglectful childhood. He also, likely has a predisposition to addiction as well.

You see the potential in him IF he doesn't use drugs and remains faithful in your relationship. Whether or not he is capable of this type of relationship is unknown. Based on your description, your relationship has always been based on you telling him the parameters and him trying to comply. This has caused an imbalance in your relationship from the first.

Heroin addicts are generally incapable of loving ANYTHING accept the drug they are addicted to. Heroin attacks the brain and changes people so that they are capable of doing ANYTHING to get the drug that their brain is convincing them that they need. So your ex was likely lying to both of you to get the support he needed to continue his heroin addiction.

The question I have for you is, do you have other things in your life that will allow to develop your own identity outside of this relationship? Have you put your own needs and interests on the back burner?

You may want to consider going to some Al-anon meetings so you can learn how to move past the co-dependence of addiction. Then you can re-focus on your own needs and hopefully begin to feel more positive and whole.

Good Luck,

Debbie Wicker




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