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I'm a Wife, Granddaughter, Sister, Aunt..I'm also a drug addict!

by Kristi
(Baytown, TX USA)

I was abandoned by both of my birth parents so my amazing grandparents(dad's parents) raised me since I was 2 months old. They gave me shelter, endless amounts of love, of course spoiled me rotten. I was a lil bratty but was taught to respect my elders & they made me into the woman I am today.

They tried their best to make up for the love I never got from the ones who made me but no matter how much love they gave me I still yearned for that love your parents are supposed to have for their children. I still to this day don't know what that love feels like.

It affects my everyday life in so many ways. I feel if they can't love me then who hell would ever love me. Besides my issues with them I've done drugs since I was in junior high. I just had fun with friends and it wasn't until I was 18 that I had toe surgery, got run over by 4 wheeler, got implants. Then I had complications from those which have included 8 surgeries with more still today cus there not right so I got hooked on the pills.

I was 18 just newly married to a controlling mentally abusive husband. By 20 I got divorced (yay) then began dating the love of my life who I wanted 2 spend forever with & didn't care if he was a drug dealer. I was in love w/him but at that time I loved the pills more & he tried controlling my habit by giving me just a few for a whole day but I don't like to be told how many I can have so I just found ways to steal them. Makes you do desperate things.

Anyways, after we broke up I started drinking vodka all day everyday waking up to having to have a drink just 2 stop the shakes, plus cocaine on top the pills. I got to be 86 lbs & blacking out ending up in landlords yard with pants down & my car halfway in ditch my family had enough & asked me if wanted to go to rehab I didn't hesitate for 1 second I went.

Did 30 days(all insurance would cover) & got out did good, got my old job back was doing great but I wasn't strong enough & got back in pills but was done with vodka & coke.

I've been doing this back & forth getting sober,relapse, on suboxone, get off suboxone then relapse. I'm married again but he never did drugs so it's been really hard to deal with being around someone that doesn't understand, who throws it in my face, talks down to me like he can't believe you do drugs. "Just stop what's big deal".

I'm struggling....

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Sounds like you still haven't fixed the issues causing your addiction?
by: Debbie Wicker

Dear Kristi,

Wow, you have been through hell and back and it sounds like you are still struggling. As a counselor, the one statement in your story that stands out to me is:

"I still to this day don't know what that love feels like."

You likely have a co-occurring addiction and emotional development issue, put another way a mental health issue. Because your sadness is so pervasive, you likely have chronic depression.

Please consider working with a psychiatrist and a counselor to give you medication for your depression and counseling support so you can process all of the sadness that you're feeling.
If you can move past you depression you will be much more likely to be able to end your opiate addiction.

Dual-diagnosis (another name for the co-occurring disorders you have) can be successfully treated if you get the right support.

I would also highly recommend you begin a 12 step program immediately, even while you are still using. Working the steps, and finding a female sponsor who has kicked opiate addiction can help you to get a connection with your higher power. Connecting with other addicts and your higher power can be a huge step forward in helping you end you addiction and learn how to live the joyous and fulling life that I know you are seeking.

Good luck, and there is hope,

Debbie

Thank you!
by: Kristi

Can you be my counselor lol. Love everything you said, made me realize it's me and I need help for all my issues. I've hit rock bottom and almost don't want to live. My husband cheated and all kinds of things I don't know what to do.

I want kids but going to doctor to see why I can't get prego. So many bad things going on, my dad has hiv now its full blown aids maybe 5 years an gave it to my step mom:( I need help before I lose my husband too but can't trust him.

Thank you for all the advice you helped tremendously.

This is how hateful my mother really is..
by: Kristi

So I have a 99 Mustang GT convertible that has been at my mom's mothers house for few years now because engine blew & my grandma said I could keep it there as long as needed until I had somewhere like a house I could bring it because I couldn't bring it to an apartment.

Well I finally got a house with garage to put it in but I drive by grandma's house few days ago & its gone. I was furious because I knew that meant my wonderful mother sold it to get money for her drugs.

I see her at a store & confronted her & asked so you sold my car I reported it stolen of course she tried to put it all on my sister(her other daughter) long story short she text me the next day I believe because her guilty conscious got to her she was apologizing not for doing it but that I didn't know about it.

I text how could my own mother do the things she does you don't deserve the mother title & this is how cruel she is..this is her text."Ya that's how I taught you would react bc it would have taken a real woman to do the right thing and to be honest about everything but hell you turned out just like the losers that raised u ...that's why God is so good and not given you children ..THANK U JESUS ....I'm also glad u don't claim me as your mother bc everyone knows I wouldn't have raised a selfish, disrespecting, lazy, weak, two faced , using, bitch like you....as far as kyra goes I knew not to get involved in her life, Hell if and when she figured out who the father is ...he will take her far away or C.P.S will keep her but kendra and I are close bc I had her most of the time ...you know when u get the child and they stay the night ( oh u wouldn't know about that bc u only have kyrq for hour ot two at a time ) that's right ....oh but she could be your first loves baby Brandon right ??????????? Oh but y'all are so close and all huh LMAO as far as stealing out your purse , now come on u couldn't come up with nothing better ????? So weak ur words are and how stupid you still look saying that same old ,"poor me " bullshit don't work on real ppl they see right through your ass ....R.I.P worthless and totally useless ....."

I've wasted 29 yrs of my life yearning for the person who gave birth to me love just to be betrayed an spit on by her I can't let her have the rest of my life too but I don't know how to erase all these hateful things I can't brush it off like some people I'm so very broken hearted and mentally drained that I gave in & relapsed today:(

So sorry to hear you relaped:(
by: Debbie Wicker

Dear Kristi,

The text from your mother was terrible and I truly understand that her negative reaction to you makes you feel as bad as a person can feel.

Moving into recovery will require you to learn what you're accountable for and what you are not accountable for. That's the value of the fourth step in the 12 step process.

"Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves."

This processes teaches us what we need to clean up and be responsible for and what others have done to us. Working this inventory can help us to deal with the hurt and devastation others have caused us and also deal with the ways we have harmed others.

Please consider joining a 12 step group and working the steps. There is hope and you can begin to experience the life you want regardless of your mother's current and previous actions. You don't have to be a prisoner to her extremely poor choices.

Please go to a meeting today:)

Debbie

Thanks for the advice
by: Kristi

I went today to my addiction specialist to get my prescription of suboxone and I wanted to talk to him about what all is going on & see if I could get back on antidepressants but unfortunately his mom is in the hospital so he wasn't there.

I have mixed feelings about meetings because I know the one where im located has mostly people that are court ordered & do drugs in the bathroom & its hard for me to get to Houston since I work till 7. I tried to make appt with therapist but it's hard finding good one that can work with my schedule.

Im not a communicator I rather be alone & keep my feelings inside cause no-one understands or can relate and its very hard for me to express my feelings. My words come out all wrong. I'll figure it out hopefully:)

Consider Celebrate Recovery
by: Debbie Wicker

Dear Kristi,

It is often hard to find a good/safe meeting to go to. I did some searching and found a meeting I would highly recommend to you:

Celebrate Recovery
Second Baytown Church
6227 North Main
Baytown, Texas 77521

phone: 281.427.6506

They meet every Thursday night:

Free Dinner and Main Meeting: 7-8p

Small Groups: 8-9p

This should be a safe place and you don't have to share anything if you don't want to. I really encourage you to check this out and try to find the support you need to end your addiction and process all of the negative emotions you've experienced from your mother and other people who've harmed you and continue to harm you.

Please let me know if you go and what your thoughts are:)

Debbie

You're Awesome
by: Kristi

Awww thank you so much you truly don't understand how much it means to me for you to have taken the time to research for me. Knowing someone cares can mean alot and wish I could do more then just say thank you for everything:) Your my guardian angel, blessing in disguise!!

I would like to offer you any support I can!
by: Debbie Wicker

Dear Kristi,

I would like to offer you as much moral support as I can. I counsel people everyday at my church who have addictions and have experienced terrible tragedies and sorrow in their lives.

You are a Wife, Granddaughter, Sister, Daughter and Aunt. You are also valuable and worth all of the energy it will take to end your addiction.

From your comments I can tell that you want to live a different life but you're struggling to figure out how you can successfully do that. I'm telling you that there is hope and you can live the life you want if you seek it one day or even one moment at a time.

Please let me know if there is anything else I can do for you to help you to find the peace and security that you need.

Debbie

Thank you!!
by: Kristi

Again, thank you so much again. I know I want to be that awesome sober person who's so happy again but horrible things just keep happening I'm losing the will to stay strong. I worry about everyone else instead of myself.

I just found out my dad has HIV that's become full blown aids & since he waited so long to go to doc that even if he takes the medicine doctors are very optimistic he will live 5years. For years he was going to those places where girls do whatever u want when no-one had any clue not even his wife & he infected her as well! so I'm so worried about them.

My sister is on meth real bad she lost her daughters, she homeless, everything she had was stolen by so called friends & yes I know this is not good for me & getting recovery but she's everything to me I'm the only person she has & could never turn my back on her. She got a loan in my name and I had no idea and they said only way I'm not responsible is to press charges I couldn't do that. She has a baby by one of guys I was so in love with, stolen so much from me & done me so wrong even when I give her place to live for free I still do any and everything for her cuz no-one should ever feel alone in this world just because they're on drugs and making mistakes.

I know how much drugs take over your life & we will hurt anyone to get our drugs. I don't steal for mine I work but she has nothing and no food. She consumes most of me but I'll never stop loving her, I just support her 100% &, when she's ready, I'm taking her to shelter where they help her get on her feet.

I've also been trying to have a baby and tests just keep coming back bad so and that's been really hard on me..life is so hard!!

Life is much easier if we make good choices
by: Debbie Wicker

Dear Kristi,

I agree with you that life is very hard, but when we keep making the wrong choices life is MUCH harder.

Your dad and your sister have made VERY poor choices and will drag you down with them. Enabling your sister's addiction may feel like love but it isn't.

Love is when we help each other to make good choices and don't allow people to use us to continue to ruin their life. Your sister is killing herself and she needs to feel the FULL consequences of her actions.

Taking a loan out in someone else's name is fraud and she should have to suffer the consequences for that very poor choice. The more we enable others to make destructive choices the less TRUE love we are showing them.

I'm hoping your making a good choice by attending meetings so that you can keep you life on the right course. We are each responsible for our own actions and how we treat/love others. We aren't responsible if they continually make destructive choices. Going to meetings helps us to fully understand this.

Debbie

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I'm a Wife, Granddaughter, Sister, Aunt..I'm also a drug addict!

Comments for I'm a Wife, Granddaughter, Sister, Aunt..I'm also a drug addict!

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