Letter to my father
I've been putting off writing this for 2 days. Mainly out of shame but also fear. I know you will hurt reading this and feel anger towards me, but I hope that one day you will be able to forgive me and maybe even learn to understand what’s happened and why it happens time and time again.
The devastating truth is that I have quite a big problem with addiction. Cocaine and gambling are the two vices that have stripped any decency from me and left me a shell of what I am supposed to be. Recently I have also been taking excessive amounts of codeine on a daily basis.
I'm a liar, thief, abuser, addict and general low life. Please don't think that this is about me going out and enjoying myself though, because it isn't. It may have started that way years ago, but now I’m in the loneliest and scariest place and need help.
You may think I’m weak and I think that too sometimes. I was weak to let this disease into my brain, but now that it's there it's bigger than me.
So many times, over the years I've tried to break out of these cycles of destruction and sometimes I do, for weeks even months, but it’s always there and always will be. What I need now is to accept what I've become, admit that the problem is bigger than me and get proper help.
From the age of 16 I've always felt just so ever slightly outside life, or at least the normal life that was expected of me. I've never really liked who I am and I think have always been prone to bouts of depression though never really knew it at the time. I have dabbled in drugs recreationally for many years with friends with no major issues.
I think things started to get out of hand and bad troubling habits formed during 2013 when I lived in a flat alone for a few months and then when the people who moved in did not get on with me. I used drugs as a way of escaping, much like gambling.
Since then, any event in my life from leaving CT, fallout of relationship with Poppy, job losses, getting fat, depressed has been laced with drugs and gambling. It’s a destructive form of self-medication. This past two years has been tough and the past two months very tough. It’s no excuse, it’s just the twisted logic of an addict that this behaviour will take me away from this world, for a while. And then you know what you are doing is wrong but you are stuck in this tsunami of hate and self-loathing that all you want to do is destroy yourself so there is nothing left, and then maybe people will give up on you and you will finally give up on yourself and it will all be over.
This is where I am going to say I am strong, because I don’t want that ending for me, I’ve come close to the brink and been to the darkest places but I want to get better and if that means losing everything and everyone then I accept that but I want years not months to make thing right.
I want to apologise with all my heart for the hurt and suffering I constantly cause you, Poppy, Mum and Donna. The guilt I feel weighs down heavy on me but I alone will carry it and turn it into pride.
I don’t know what the solution is right now.
I wouldn’t blame you for turning your back on me though I’m begging you not too.