Losing Myself with My Innocence

by M.S.B.
(St. Louis, MO)

Here is a villanelle I wrote to help cope with my addiction. Today, I am 8 days clean, but it is taking a toll on me mentally, emotionally, and physically.

It feels like a voice is screaming in my head. I cannot concentrate on others or myself over the screaming. It keeps me up at night, spoils my appetite, and makes me shake with discomfort.

I know that time is the only long-term way to stop the screaming, so I just have to wait. In the meantime, I reflected as to what brought me to this point. I discovered that the drug changed me, and in the course of that change, I lost some of myself. I was too distracted by what I felt to notice it happening.

Now, dope-free, I stand at a crossroads of my life, even though I am not exactly sure how I got there. I need to accept my life as it is now, and maybe I can discover and recover those parts of myself that I lost. My childhood wonderment, innocence, and naivety however, can never be recovered...


I lost my innocence the other day,
I knew it was wrong, but the choice was mine,
Curiosity swept me up and away.

“Here ya go Margaret, whadda ya say?”
I was scared to cross the great needle line.
But my voice of reason took off that day.

My priorities changed that Saturday
It started to rain, when I lined into my vein
My essence, my light, faded away

The warm and fuzzy, much better than yay,
I felt I could die I felt so damn fine…
But, I’m still not ready… to die today.

Silent and still, never felt more okay
Hours I sit with my chair in recline
Absolutely nothing could move me away.

I entered a role, unwilling to play.
Life, joy, ambition, it took what was mine.
I ruined my life, on a normal day.
Now, the pain and want, will never go away.