My House Of Pain
(Whitley City, KY)
I started using drugs in my 20s, I was dating a guy who was addicted and though I didn't like the drugs he did, I was head over hills for him. In my mind if I just gave him enough love i would be able to cure him, yes I thought I was the answer to addiction, they say love conquers all.
After a few years I realized he wasn't going to quit and I did the old if you can't beat him join him stunt, and join him I did. I was shooting up cocaine within a few months of trying drugs and love does conquer all, my love of cocaine cost me everything else in my life.
I did other drugs, pills, meth, but cocaine was all I thought about, not the 4 beautiful girls that loved and needed their mom, not even about the guy I thought I loved so much, I was out trading everything in my world for that next shot. I did realize at one point that life was spiraling out of control, but I had no way of stopping the train wreck I knew had to be ahead.
In 2001 everything blew up I was with someone we were trying to score dope and a man got killed, I was arrested and charged with capital murder, I sat in jail fighting for my life for 2 years while the courts sought the death penalty, I cried, I screamed, I prayed, I begged. I longed for my children, and my dad, I prayed to die yet continued breathing. On the day of trial I wasn't given death, I was sentenced to 10 years.
Prison was the strangest life I had ever imagined, it was such a different world, I wasn't allowed to even write my kids, and rather than see any of this was troubles of my own making, I got angry, I was mad at the state, the judge, the prosecutor, God, and anyone that stepped into the world I was stuck in, as the years went by my heart hardened, my emotions died.
It was 7 years before I was released, in those years my sister committed suicide, my children grew up and learned to hate me, my dad and mom grew old, life had gone on without me. I thought those years there had cured my drug problem... no, it was waiting on me. I had a hard time trying to adjust to life, I found courage in a pill bottle, within a couple of years I was back in jail on a new charge, served out, got high and went back.
I have only been out of jail a month now, yes I have done drugs since my release but I know I don't wanna be that person anymore, I also know it's my choices that have picked my path and if I don't change I'm gonna die in jail, or at my own hands.
What I have been through is a part of me now, and over the years I've gained wisdom, met amazing people, lost amazing people, now I wanna help people but first I gotta help me. I created my house of pain, but I'm definitively ready to move out, lived here long enough please pray for me and the strength to change.