My struggle through the 12 steps

by Jimmy
(NJ)

The following is a story of the struggle to overcome my relationship with cocaine addiction. You will see terms such as she, her, my love. These are all references to cocaine.

I clearly remember the day I realized that she had made my life unmanageable. I was alone at this point, she once again had left me broken and depressed, but the difference is this time I had pushed everyone who cared about me out of my life, cause she told me that they were all wrong, that there was nothing wrong with our love.

You see real family and friends had warned me I was spending too much time with her, she wasn’t good for me and eventually she would break me. I did not believe them. On this day I woke up turned over to kiss her as I had every morning, but something stopped me. I went into the bathroom, I looked in the mirror and began to cry. I had spent so much time with her that I had lost weight, had bags under my eyes, and was a shell of who I once was.

I looked at her and just couldn’t bear the sight of her anymore. She got mad and promised that I would dream of her when she wasn’t there, that I would never find a love like her again.


At this point I began to pray for my life. I needed to believe something could bring me back to reality, to break this sick love I had for her. Oh she didn’t want to leave, but I couldn’t live like this anymore. I began to pray to a God of my understanding, the God who created the universe, the God who showed their existence through the complexity of life, universe, and being.


This God of my understanding was the only thing I believed could deliver me from her hell. I had no choice but to trust in their existence and believe that if I turned my fate and my life over, I would be saved from sure death.


As I sat and prayed, I began to look through my own existence and see where I went wrong and how I ended up with her. I realized that when I was with her, I forgot about any and all problems, they were still there, but our love blinded me to the fact my problems were growing.

I realized that in my own head, the way I walked, talked and thought, had led me to her. I lied, stole, and manipulated people whether I was with her or not.

The difference was she accepted me no matter what. She told me she loved me no matter what I did, but especially loved that I would do anything for her. I realized my love for her had twisted the moral fiber of my soul and realized I needed to change this, all of it. There was no keeping defects I liked, I needed to change everything.


At this point, I made a list of the things I had done that was wrong. It was a long list, but I had to do this. Like letting balloons go in the sky, I needed to let this out and let it go. I hoped this would lighten the load of the world on my shoulders. I admitted my wrongs to my universal God, the Great Spirit, and to a close friend who had loved her once before, but was able to break his love and show me how to break mine.

By figuratively letting the balloons go, my defects, I began to feel better. I prayed to God to take my balloons, take them all for I do not want or need them anymore.


It was not easy to ask God to take these, but I had no choice, I had to put my head down and say “ Yes, I valued some of these things as a gift, but now they are my curse, please God take them.”

I began to think of all those I had pushed away because she told me to. Anyone that did not agree with our relationship, I shut out of my life. These people were the closet ones to me, my mother, my father, son, my brother and my sister. There were also many friends I had that did not like her, that I put on my list hoping they would accept my apology. They were right, I was wrong.

Also included on this list was myself. I had become so consumed with her, that I didn’t care bout myself, how I dressed, how I looked, whether I was clean or not, you see she didn’t care why should I? I could show up dirty looking like hell and she would still be there for me.


I went down my list and visited the people one by one. I was amazed at the joy in their faces to see me. They were so happy I had left her; they forgave me and said I was welcome back.

I did not understand, because I was so nasty with everyone, but they told me they know she had me under her spell, that it was not me talking, it was her. But I said that it was my choice to be with her, but they still forgave me. They had heard of her and knew what she was capable of.

Then I went to my son, who is very young, and I couldn’t explain to him quite yet about my sick love affair, but I apologized for not going to his games, not being there, and even not wanting to be with him, because I would rather be with her.

You see a judge had even told me I could not have my son over my house if I continued this love, so I basically told him I will love who I want, so I don’t care, no one can stop this affair. I realize now what a mistake this was.

It was taught to me that I needed to continue to watch my ways, for if went to my old ways, she somehow would find me. Whenever I was wrong in a situation, I made sure to take note and do things different, for I am so afraid of her coming back, that I do anything to keep her away. Oh make no mistake, I still dream of her, hold her, loving her.

These dreams were so real that I swore she was next to me; I would wake up, look to my side in horror, and then realize she wasn’t there. This was her trick to get me back, for she had forever been embedded in my mind.

I continued to pray to the God of my understanding, the Great Spirit, the universe itself. I prayed for guidance, for protection from her. I am so afraid of her that I can’t keep her away by myself; I need help to do so. The universe itself, the one I feel oneness with, protects me as long as I ask, and do what’s right by it.

Finally, and most important, I warned other of her sick love. I carried the message that you can break her love, but you have to be willing to. You see the evil she posses is timeless. Whether it was 120 years ago, when they believed she could help people or yesterday, she takes your soul all the same.

It is my job, and my duty to warn people of her, and in doing so I remind myself of her evil, and together we can keep her from tricking others.


My name is Jimmy, and she is was cocaine.