Please read "The Loss of All that Matters: Addiction" Part 3
by Chris F H
We were home from our vacation for one week and that is when I found the first evidence of severe drug use, not just over taking his prescriptions. Please remember, he was taking massive doses and going into withdrawals every month. I found a bottle with pills, a straw, and a tile to snort it off. I lost my mind and confronted him. He left and said he was going to commit suicide.
When he finally came home he convinced me he was snorting it because he could not get any pain relief orally, and I believed him. So off to his doctor he went, after writing out a pain journal, and that was when his doctor blindly placed him on
a high dosage of time release oxycontin.
He started abusing them instantly. He would get 1 months supply and run out 20 days at first, then go into withdrawals (of course at this point I realized what all the other stomach flu was from over the past few years). He then got prescribed a higher dose because he was taking too much because “it wasn’t working.” Eventually his physician was prescribing him his monthly dosage
8-12 days early without question of why he was out.
I finally did realize that i was kidding myself, and he was an addict. I just did not want to believe I could not help him or fix it. To help him get better became my purpose; it was all I could think about; it consumed me.
Eventually he would run out 10 days into the month, and he would then spend extreme amounts of money on finding his fix. At first it seemed he only was buying oxycontin, but over the next few months I learned otherwise.
I became an extreme enabler, we all did. We were all so desperate for him to function and go to work; we would make sure he found the medication he needed (until we realized the extent of his addiction). I am NOT proud of this.
But our once paid off house, remember our deal with my parents, was mortgaged out; he had developed huge amounts of credit debt, and I had put myself in debt to pay his debt because at first I believed all of his stories.
My parents, believing in us, put themselves in debt, and if he did not work, we would lose everything. It became a vicious and desperate enabling circle. I wish I had done everything differently. There are days I hate myself, many days. I just didn’t know what to do, and I prayed every second of the day he would wake up
and get better.
It got so bad that he took 4 months off work to do drugs at Christmas time. He told us all it was because he remembered being molested by a babysitter (I cannot confirm or deny this story).
He told us all that he was going to finish all the started renovations on our home and take care of the kids activities because I was working. He sat around doing drugs and watching TV; usually in
some form of extreme high or withdrawals. I worked and did everything else.... still do!!!
It all spiraled out of control, there is so much more to the story of decent of my husband into addiction, but that is for another day. I eventually had to force him from our home after 20-years together. I had no choice. He was not my
husband or my children’s father anymore.
I have lost my soul mate. I would have been better off if my husband had died. At least I could have mourned my loss and eventually moved on. I am stuck, stuck in a hell I cannot describe.
Unless you have ventured into this abyss, you will never have a real understanding of what it is like. I have since found out he has not paid our bills, stopped our insurances, stopped the children’s college funds, bounced mortgage payments, maxed out credit cards, gotten payday loans, and the worst of all he is now using heroin.
He has stopped being a father to our children
and abandoned me in every way except paying some of the mortgage some times. He recently lost his job due to stealing. (he has found another job, but for how long?)
My father has descended into a severe depression and is a very ill man now. My mother spends her days trying to care for him at 80-years herself and is starting to find her usual good health failing.
My children have had to go to counseling and have had stress related issues. I will say, they are both amazing children and have worked endlessly to help out and be team members. I have found strength I did not know was possible, but through a hell I do not wish upon anyone. Our lives will never be the same.
During this time I have found friends I did not know I had and lost ones I thought I had. There have been a few friends that have shown me and my family kindness and generosity that can only be described as a Divine Intervention.
However, our battle to keep our home, my childhood home, continues. We are faced with a battle that at times does not seem winnable. Our home is in an extreme state of disrepair, too much to list.(I have had help with some areas
that can only be described as prayers answered.) The ever-expanding debt, due to this crisis, is insurmountable, and we may find ourselves homeless
regardless of our efforts. I work 2 jobs and I am looking for one more. (Please remember I was an at-home mom, and I let my education lapse because I NEVER believed this could happen.)
I work endlessly to hold up this family, but I am
falling, and falling quickly. I have nothing left; no funds and nearly no strength. I try to keep my children’s lives as close normal, but it is nearly impossible. I cannot continue to provide everything for them without some kind
W is compliant with most of my ideas for saving the home as long as he does not have to put forth any effort or money. He will go off title so he can go bankrupt, but I must pay for all of the lawyer fees. He will agree to a separation agreement stating his decent financially and emotionally (without mention of his addiction) and the deterioration of our marriage over 2.5-years ago (this is important because of credit rating and debt for myself and my
family). This is all very well, but I have no ability to put it in action in order to save everyone. I do not have anything left to sell, and I have met the end of my rope in all areas.
This story has been written for personal therapy and to reach out to the world for prayers and support. I believe the more prayers and positivity I receive the stronger I will be and maybe a miracle will happen upon us. I am not
asking or expecting anything from anyone. I am just reaching out for love, prayers, and support. I also hope my story allows someone in a similar
situation some kind insight, and I welcome any communication.
I thank you all for listening to my story. I love you all.
• To find strength and good health to continue on
• Answers to the disrepair of our home in case I am forced to sell, and so it will be salable
• Peace, health, and stability for my parents (this is one of the most important)
• Support and normality for my children
• Stories and ideas (to hear other peoples stories of success will help immensely and to learn from others is instrumental to our success.)
• A path to some kind of success and solution for our immediate issues; job, legal, emotional, financial, etc...
I am asking for overall prayers of support and solutions for my family. I am worried my health will not uphold under this stress, and I cannot fall and let my family down. I must find answers. I do feel I will prevail and find a path
through this family in tow...I believe whole-heartedly that to have the prayers, positive thoughts of many are pivotal in finding that path.
I welcome any kind of communication. I am willing to discuss my situation with people in a supportive manner. I realize there will be many people suffering from this kind of situation, and I would like to be a instrumental in helping them through this with prayers, love, and understanding.
I thank you, God, and the Universe for all positive and loving thoughts.