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When someone keeps lying to you

by Feeling Lost
(Brisbane, Australia )

I have been with my partner for three years and we are engaged and have a house together. For the first three years he has been struggling with heroin, as I found out.

After dating for eight months and being treated like crap for about another four, I found Suboxone in his drawer.

I asked him about it, after stressing about it all day. I thought he was just addicted to the prescription then to be told his addicted to heroin and has been seeking help because he doesn't want to lose me.

Now he has been down this track before and one of his close friends has overdosed and died from this drug. Knowing that he was doing it behind my back for such a long time I felt stupid like how did I not know, but I guess I didn't know what the signs were. He was acting moody and sleeping a lot. Him being on Suboxone was hard and he went to a doctor every few weeks for review and then after a year of taking Suboxone he was off Heroin and everything seemed to be good.

The doctor prescribed him serotonin pills, which seemed to help. He had zero sex drive for the time he was on drugs and on suboxone so that was hard on our relationship.

Then a few months after that I found messages in his phone from a friend organising to get cocaine. I asked him about this and he lied and said it was a one off thing. Then I find out he did it every day for a week.

This was just after Christmas time so I said to him I'm sick of him lying and I can't deal with this anymore because I can't trust him. So I packed up my bags and moved to a friends place for a while. It hurt leaving him but after over a year and half dealing with it I couldn't deal with it anymore.

We still messaged each other, I still loved him and we got back together after about a month living apart. In February, we rented a house together and about two weeks in I found him with needles on the couch. I confronted him and I felt very hurt he would do this so suddenly after moving in and saying he won't do it again.

He tried lying saying they weren't his and he doesn't know where they came from. So we argue he says I will never understand because I have never been addicted to anything before and that's the end of it. I try hard to forget about it and move on.

Then in March we go to a friends birthday party in the city we have a great night, he was taking MDMA. I had work the next day so I wasn't really drinking much and I didn't take any drugs. Then we get home and I go to bed and he stays up drinking, I think nothing of it.

Then I wake up to find him passed out on the couch with needles near by. I'm getting ready for work I say to him wtf is this?! He acts stunned and his half asleep I'm upset and go off at him.

In August, he had his daughter for the weekend I found him sleeping and I found needles tucked into the couch. Then after this I really don't trust him so I do random checks and find a kit hidden in his car. He says it's old and he was going to chuck it out and he wasn't using. I believe him and move on.

His father has been diagnosed with lung cancer as of July so he becomes depressed and withdrawn I get him to go back to his doctor and his doctor prescribes a higher dose of medication and a referral to a therapist that helps with depression and sex therapy. This is after having a low sex drive and then not having sex for six months now because he can not get a hard on. He blames his dad's situation.

Then in January, I find a needle on his desk and ask him if he just did some drugs he says no and I said well there's a needle here and it's been used so he says he didn't just do it that he did it last night. I say to him why is he constantly lying?

We go away with his family for 8 days on holiday we have a great time then get home on a Saturday. Then on Sunday everything seems great he wants to go get breakfast and go jet skiing, so we do. He goes to get breakfast at the local bakery and he calls saying they don't have anything so we just leave for the day.

Then that night I've made a nice dinner, we're relaxing having a good night and he goes to the toilet and he is there for sometime and I'm listening and ask if his almost done so I can go. He comes out, I go in and lift the lid off the water tank in there and I find a needle kit. I walk out with it in my hand and his talking to me and I say look what I found... he says I didn't use it tonight. I said stop lying and I check his arm and his obviously used. This smashed and I say why do you keep doing this?

You know it hurts me and it's ruining our relationship. It's also my birthday and he's forgotten. He admits he forgot what the date was and he said he was sorry later. He says he's not doing everyday so what's the issue ect. He stayed up drinking and doing work on his laptop. He said to me that heroin is like having a Berocca (the drink) and it helps him get stuff done. I'm kind of gobsmacked I guess.

So I leave the kit of his on the couch to see what he does with it. There were two needles in it. And he chucks it out. I sleep in the spare room and in the morning I wake up and I check it and there's a needle missing. I scratch my head have a look around and find it hidden in a book.

He's in bed and has to get up for work so I go in and ask him nicely did you chuck it out? He says yes and I said all of it? He says yes and I say sweat on your daughters life he says yes. Then I say why is there a needle missing and it's hidden in a book? He says he was pretty drunk and doesn't remember doing that. Then goes to work.

He keeps saying he doesn't know why I'm so upset and I say to him because your lying to me and doing this behind my back. He said if I told you, you wouldn't let me take the drugs so why would I tell you? I say you have a loving family, a great job and say you don't want to lose me why do this?! I can't talk to my friends or family about this because they will think I'm a idiot for sticking around.

Comments for When someone keeps lying to you

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Go to Al-anon
by: Debbie Wicker

Dear Feeling Lost,

From your description it sounds like your partner has relapsed on heroin. Heroin addiction is a disease of the brain which is characterized by relapse. If left untreated it is OFTEN fatal. Heroin addiction changes us and we lie constantly to hide our addiction.

You need to decide what you're going to do. Al-anon is a great group to join to help you to do that and to make a good choice for both of you. Al-anon was created by and for families who are trying to help someone they love to end their addiction. They teach us how to LOVE the addict but to HATE their addiction.

Please consider attending Al-anon meetings three times a week and begin working the 12 steps. Once you're attending hopefully you can convince your partner to begin coming to meetings too and to start working the 12 steps. Working them together may allow you to get on the same page.

Good Luck,

Debbie

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