by: Debbie Wicker

Dear Sara,

I’m so very sorry that your husband may be drug addicted. Because drug addiction is a disease of the brain, your husband is likely to always lie as it relates to his addiction.

I strongly recommend that you join Al-Anon and visit multiple meetings a week. Al-Anon will teach you about addiction and it will else also help you decide the best course of action to get your husband into treatment.

The more you learn about drug addiction the more you will be able to learn how to help your husband. Drug addiction that is left untreated can often be fatal. Your husband is in a life and death struggle and it’s very important that you learn as much as you can to help him.

Begin attending Al-Anon meetings in your area working the 12-steps in finding a sponsor who will help you decide the best course of action to get your husband the help he so desperately needs.

With Al-anon, you will learn how to not enable his addiction and to set the correct boundaries to get him to realize that he must go into treatment. Each addiction situation is unique and there is no set way to help your husband.

You need to find a good sponsor in Al-Anon, and then they can work through this very terrible problem with you and come up with possible solutions.

Good luck and may God bless you and your family,

Debbie

by: Dolores

We’ve been married for only 6 months. At first we were happy and got along great. Then all of a sudden it started, the crack… I never knew it. He hid it from me before our marriage and now that we’re into the marriage…the crack is coming in hard… the lies the sneakiness… the whole 360 turn around.

I’m a full time nurse. I’m 52…my husband is 48… I’ve tried so many times to help him and tried to leave… I love him with all my heart.

He tries to blame it on me… I was a drug addict over 20 years ago so I do understand what he is going through. Been there done that. I’ve grown since then… he refuses to get help or anything, it’s like he doesn’t care about anything or anyone but his habit! It’s been hell living like this me working all day and him home all day…high…. it’s not a money issue or anything like that… I know he’s better then that…

I’m at my end of my rope right now and I just want out of this marriage but it’s really hard when you care and love someone…it’s turning into me hating him, not even wanting him to touch me…please help….I’m losing this battle with drugs and I’m losing the man I truly love… my husband.

by: Debbie Wicker

Many of us have fallen in love with a drug addict and want to do everything to help them. The very best thing we can do for them is to love them but hate their addiction.

Going to groups like Al-anon will help us to understand addiction and also to LEARN how to avoid supported our loved ones addiction in any way.

Allowing someone to live in a house that we pay for and staying home all day high is SUPPORTING the addiction. Drug abuse has consequences that we can help to enforce. Going to Al-anon meetings helps us to learn how to do this effectively.

by: Jerry

I’m just speaking from my own experience. The best advice I can offer you is this… Be very supportive and stay strong.

Being an addict is a very hard way to live. As an addict we are already dealing with self esteem problems, so no matter what don’t tell him that he is a bad person etc… Don’t be negative toward the problem, but be positive because the negativity will only make him more resentful toward you and will isolate himself from you.

Trust me I know first hand, I don’t have the positive support I need. Unfortunately my wife yells and cusses me, tells me I’m no good and not a good father, and that just makes it a lot harder for me to get clean. Because an addict will do what is the easiest to them, and that is to get high or drink to numb the pain and hide from reality.

My wife has never used or drink, she doesn’t even smoke cigarettes and she never has. She has no idea what it is like to be an addict.

Be positive and encourage him to get clean, it may take a little bit for him to come around but it will happen when and only when he’s ready. An addict won’t quit for you, their family or for anybody. We may say: “I’m quitting for my wife and my kids or for my parents” but that is all a lie. If they do go to rehab for anyone else other then themselves relapse is right around the corner.

Stay positive stay strong and encourage him to get clean for himself and his health. Be patient, if he truly loves you, and wants to be with you, he will see what it’s doing to you and your marriage and he will make that choice to get clean and be happy, because I promise you he is not happy right now, he may say he is and that all is good, but it’s not. There is not an addict that can honestly say they are happy with their life and the way things are going…

I hope this will help you with understanding how an addict thinks… Good luck with your journey, it’s going to be a long rough road but like I said BE POSITIVE AND STAY STRONG!!!

Jerry

by: Heather

I feel your pain with having an addict for a husband. My husband and I have been together for 4 years, he’s possibly going on his third bid in three years at our local correctional facility and we have a 19 month old daughter.

The whole situation is exhausting and frustrating. Sometimes I feel like somebody is holding a pillow over my face and I’m struggling for air. Every time I’m within a certain distance of the local court house I legitimately feel like someone is taking a straw and placing it in my lungs and sucking every last breath out of me. I love my husband and I too am at the end of my rope.

The lies make it exponentially worse, but I’ve been around addicts my whole life and I am an addict myself. It’s genuinely a struggle and I’m not sure how much longer I can handle with him.

I will say that by the grace of God with my support and the love of his daughter and family he is finally starting to see the light and realize that change needs to occur. I’m finally seeing a light at the end of the tunnel – but now the ironic thing is he’s never been sober and I feel like I’ve married a stranger – it’s completely overwhelming and strange.

But hang in there and there may be hope – truly the hardest part is admitting you have a problem – but it’s also the first step and the most important step.

by: Anonymous

I know exactly what you mean because my husband goes from 0-10 in no time flat. The fact that I even mention it makes him upset. I didn’t realize how much I am enabling him by letting him get high in our home. I left him for a couple of months last year and nothing really has changed. He told me he was going to stop but didn’t.

I wish I had not come back. My husband is so image conscious that he would not ever go to a facility to get help. His family is well known in the community and he likes that. He has been using for 20 plus years and I believe it has finally started to catch up with him. He is not the same person I met all those years ago and now I realize that it is because of the drug use.

I know now that the mistrust and paranoia come from the crack. I would love for it to work and when I just softly mention counseling he says there is nothing wrong with him. Plus he says why would I want to leave all the nice things we have. Because it is exhausting.

I need to save myself or I am going to go crazy. He is 54 and hangs around people 60 that smoke crack. I have tried to be positive but I am so tired. He thinks because he gives me money toward the household gives him the right to do what he wants when he wants to. I hope things work out for you but for me I don’t know because mine won’t even admit it’s a problem.

by: Anonymous

I have been married for almost 7 years, our story was a great one. We dated in middle school and lost touch going to different high schools. While on leave from the army home from a tour in Iraq, he and I met up and became great friends.

When he returned to Iraq we stayed in touch. I was his go to the person who was there for him every day. We became strongly connected speaking on the phone and talking online gave us a chance to really get to know each other and we ultimately fell in love.

About a week after he came back home from his tour he purposed to me and a month later I was pregnant and we were married by 3 months in.

While we were still enlisted he was stationed in another state and I had to remain here for my daughter. He discharged 3 days after our son was born. We were finally together as a family.

It soon became very clear that the adjustment to civilian life was going to be difficult for him. I witnessed some very difficult situations with his PTSD, he wakes up in the night with terrible dreams and has outbursts often. We struggled with getting him on the right medication and getting into the counseling he needed. It took him over a year to get a job and get back into the workforce.

Shortly after his return, he started to use marijuana. I wasn’t hugely concerned because it seemed to help him with his PTSD. Within the last year or two, he started to isolate himself in our basement saying he was smoking. I started to notice the ridiculous amount of money being spent on drugs. I started to look around the house for signs of other drugs and found crushed up pills. When I asked him about it, he claimed they were old and I was crazy.

He is constantly texting known dealers and deleting his messages so I cannot see what is being said – he left about 4 days ago stating he couldn’t handle the disrespect that my daughter shows him and that he didn’t want to try or work on it.

He has been lying to me about just about everything I’ve found that my son’s piggy bank was broken and all the money cleaned out of it. He has stolen money out of my daughter’s room and cleaned out every change jar in our home. He has stolen pain meds from my dad and from me after I had a surgery.

He lies about it and makes me out to be crazy. He is currently living with his parents who are also addicts and expects me to believe that he left because of my daughter and my constant accusations. He has been very on edge recently screaming at me for not tying the garbage bag the way he likes it and flying off the handle about small things. He acts like nothing is wrong immediately after and makes fun of me when I get emotional.

I am at my wits end. I love him so deeply but I don’t want to remain in this situation but it hurts so much to know that his addiction has taken over his life and he is willing to throw away his family and marriage for this. I need advice I don’t know how to move forward.

by: Debbie Wicker

Dear “My husband is in denial”,

Find Al-anon in your area and attend them at least twice a week. Dealing with addiction is so very challenging. I just had a good friend loose her son to heroin addiction and she is a counselor, yet there was still nothing she could do for him. Each of us make our own choices and your husband has to choose to get the help he needs.

Going to groups like Al-anon and working the 12 step program for ourselves, will help us to understand addiction and also help us avoid enabling our loved one’s addiction in any way.

Once you’re working the 12 steps, try to get your husband to go to meetings with you and also to begin working the steps. If both of you are in meetings and working the steps, his chances for recovery significantly improve.

You’re in such a very hard spot with not easy choices, but working the steps and connecting with your higher power will hopefully make your difficult choices clearer.

Debbie