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Don't shoot the messenger!


(Jeff City, MO)

Help!! I have never been in this position before & I am very concerned. I am engaged to a great guy who has in the past had a raging coke habit. Until August of this year, he had not touched it for over 4 years!! He gave it up after moving back to Missouri from Florida.

Last Spring, he began working for his brother-in-law as a sales-rep for his new company. The bad part (at least what I thought it was the bad part) was that it is 3 hours away & he has to be gone during the week.

We had originally planned on relocating once summer started so my son (previous marriage) wouldn't have to start a new school with only a couple of months left. As time went on, my fiancé didn't seem as eager to move & be closer to work/his family.

In August while my son was away at his father's, we got engaged. Very happy! But just a week after, my fiancé suddenly had to leave on a Saturday NIGHT to go tend to an emergency at work. It raised a RED FLAG & I was immediately suspicious!! So I drove the 3 hrs in the middle of the night.

My fiancé kept giving me ridiculous stories of a leak at the job site & how they would be at the hotel they are working on all night long to clean up the mess. I had him send me pictures to confirm his story, & they only raised my suspicions even more. I even called the hotel to check the story-no one had heard of a leak!

On the way to the "big flood", I asked my fiancé if he is cheating on me, or if there's something going on that he was afraid to tell me? He couldn't take it anymore & broke down & told me the truth. His brother-in-law had bought some coke & rented a hotel room for the night while is wife was at work. She's an ER nurse & works nights.

Given my finance's history with drugs, I was very upset. Doing drugs is an obvious deal-breaker in our relationship! I was also very upset that his brother-in-law had involved him in this-knowing that coke was his first-love!!

I did not tell my almost sister-in-law because:
1) they have 2 young kiddos &
2) given that these 2 men are in their 40's, I tried rationalizing it by telling myself it was an isolated incident!

Fast-forward two months & the brother-in-law told my fiancé that "he has the itch" & told him what he had planned for another weekend of fun while his wife was at work & the kids were at Grandma's! My fiancé immediately called me & told me what his plan was!! He wanted no part of it & on the day he was supposed to go back to "finish up some work on a Saturday", he didn't go & didn't return the multiple texts & calls from his coke-hungry Boss/brother-in-law!

But now what? This seems to be more than an isolated incident & I don't know what we should do? I have known this family since the 7th Grade! I love his sister!! I love the kids! We don't know if we should tell his sister, tell his boss/her husband to seek help or just don't tell him anymore if he's using or we will tell...I mean this could go so many ways! We just don't know what to do!!

Plus, what if we tell & his sister either doesn't believe us or she gets mad at us....or, will it cost them their marriage & the kids will be devastated. Plus, remember that he works for him! He stays at his home when he is working! Is my fiancé going to give in again & start using? We have been together almost 5 years! If that happens, my son will be devastated!!

I don't know what we/he should do?!!!

Help, please!

Comments for Don't shoot the messenger!

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Difficult decisions, no easy answers.
by: Debbie Wicker

Wow you're in a very difficult position and choosing the correct choices will not easy. I don't know what you should do because your circumstances are so complex.

Here are a few questions I would ask:

1. Can your finance find a job closer to where you live so that he is no longer involved with his brother-in-law?

Experience shows that if drugs are being used then a former addict MUST stay far away from the situation as possible.

2. Can you and your finance together go and speak with his brother-in-law and explain that your finance has an ADDICTION to cocaine and that any use will re-trigger his addiction? Asking his brother-in-law to stop including your finance on these weekends?

3. Can you move to where the job is so that you are there all of the time with your finance so he is no longer living with his brother-in-law? This might make it easier for your finance to avoid any involvement in these weekends?


Good luck and be very careful to protect yourself and your son,

Debbie

Thank you!
by: NKCAnonymous

Debbie, thank you for your help! It's a lot, uh? I agree that my love & best friend has NO business being anywhere near that stuff!! He has a hard enough time not drinking to excess!

He does great when he is with us & his home environment. I don't drink & I don't do drugs. We have told his mother about the situation & she thought the way we did, "isolated incident" & if it becomes something that the brother-in-law does consistently-we should tell her daughter.

We haven't told mom about the 2nd time yet. We wanted to wait until after the holidays...but that's too long. So we will consult with her this week. We are going to talk to the brother (let's call him Bubba) & let him know that it's not going to work out business wise if the cocaine use continues. We all stand to lose a lot financially, if this continues. Obviously, a lot more personally!

We are looking into moving about 45 mins away from Bubba if we end up relocating. But is that far enough? That's my fear that being too close will still open the door for my love to be too tempted to start using! He knows this is a deal-breaker! I won't marry him/stay with him if this happens again.

It's extreme I know, but my son deserves a man in his life that won't let him down! They have a great relationship & I hope that the stakes are too high for him to even consider giving in again. This weighs on me everyday! I am on "High Alert" every time Bubba calls!


Extreme boundaries are important
by: Debbie Wicker

Dear NKCAnonymous,

I totally agree with your boundaries, no use at all, NONE is acceptable. Cocaine is a very difficult addiction to end and is often characterized by relapse. It is likely very difficult for your finance to use occasionally. He needs to be VERY careful to avoid re-initiating his addiction.

Good Luck,

Debbie

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