Am I enabling?

by Linda

I have a 32 year old son who is addicted to cocaine and he has been for years. He just spent 3 weeks in rehab which I know is not enough. He has no job, no car, no home.

Is it wrong to let him live with me and see if he will get a job? I know I have been an enabler in the past and I don't want to make the same mistake. There are shelters here, but he won't go to them.

Do I just leave him homeless?

Please help!

Comments for Am I enabling?

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Be Smart and Stand Firm
by: Ned Wicker

Dear Linda,
The difference between enabling and extending a helping hand is the ability to recognize the truth and your role in being part of the solution. Your son is probably not going to get a job, given his current health status, or even if he does, he’ll have difficulty maintaining it. Treatment is still the focus and he needs to deal with his disease and learn how to live, deal from the cravings and free himself from the addictive cycle. You need to be smart.
Set your rules, boundaries and limitations. He must live by your rules, without exception. If he chooses to abuse your hospitality, you need to have consequences for his actions. Stick to that and don’t let him manipulate you, because he is going to try to manipulate you. His short stay in the treatment facility is not enough. Explore your options, whether it be in-patient or out-patient. He can go to meetings and be with others in recovery. That’s huge. If he will allow the process to unfold, he will benefit. It works if you work it.
The biggest trouble is people want to control everything. They don’t want to go to this facility because it has the 12 Steps, or they don’t want to go to that facility because a they don’t allow social interaction with their friends. Whatever the reason, people will make excuses as to why they won’t go to treatment. Given their track record of substance abuse, I really don’t think they are the best person to decide what is in their best interest. It’s all manipulation.
Al-Anon is a good option for you personally, to get emotional help and support. Other parents will share their stories and tell of how they coped with the problem. The more you understand about your son’s cocaine addiction and how to deal with the disease, the better off you will be in protecting against enabling the behavior and truly being a help and not a hindrance. You can do it, but get yourself some help and stand firm.

YES !!!!
by: j r m

Yes you should kick him out. Why not? What has he done to show any kind of remorse or effort in his recovery.

Trust me a little time in a homeless shelter should wake him up. It did me and I got my life together but it took work and commitment.

Is he willing to go after getting clean like he does to get his dope? I can pretty much bet you that he is still using and will as long as he's gotta a place to come home to every night.

It will be in your best interest because how long before your valuables come up missing or he tries an off the wall story to get money? Sound familiar? I know it's hard but you gotta try and get him to hit bottom and when the party is over for him. It's over !!!! Hopefully he'll get on the right path that GOD wants him on!!!

Good luck and God bless !!!

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