mariah holbrook

by mariah

(montana)

Hi my name is Mariah Holbrook and I would like to tell you about my drug addiction and how I got past it. I have been doing drugs for four years. To me there is no “high” in getting high from drugs or alcohol, there is just avoiding the reality that my life amounts to only this meaning cycle.

When I now think of what I did and how this may affect my future I now regret how I spent my time. I am forced to look back on how much I have lost and the family I had lost and the friends I lost.

After being faced with this reality week after week year after year I wondered if something could have been done. I now know if you try and do something it can be done no matter what.

I was never satisfied with anything. Life where I lived was no fun. so when I was a kid .I started getting in to trouble and started parting, I jumped right in.

I think I was eleven, when I was doing all this it was to the point I was hiding joints in my cigarettes pack I was putting my alcohol in my friends suitcase so I would be only drinking it.

Part of my probation is going to AA two times a week. I here a lot of older men talk about there drinking and they remind me of my father.

I would stay out late getting high with people I met in the city or just wondering around. My dad moved out a few years before, and mom was working all day, so she was passed out after the evening news.

No one knew where I was, or even that I was gone. I would come in at three or four in the morning, the trick was to not be so stoned that I would wake everyone up and that was very hard to do. I realize now that I had lost of people who could have set me straight, but I didn’t listen. I knew more than anybody else did.

When it got to the point where my parent wouldn’t let me out of my home I started running away and I had no money so I started prostituting. I went to the pre-release center and I was having sex with them. I would ask for a piece of paper first showing that they didn’t have aids or any disease that could harm me.

I was very careful of what I was doing but it was not a smart thing to do. I would do anything to get drugs and my prostitution proves it. When I had stopped drinking on my own. I was able to stop because I had changed my friends.

I was going to a psychiatrist and he said, “look you have a problem with alcohol and drugs, you need help”. I had taken his advise and now I am clean and it is definitely better now, but I didn’t feel that way at first.

When I first stopped doing pot my life felt like it was falling apart. The first crash was like the air had been sucked out of me, my body just refused to respond.

I felt like the world was either trying to keep me from getting me high or trying to get me high. I never thought this day would come that I would wake up and wonder what I will be doing today without wondering where I will be today.

If I would even get to sleep in a bed or have lunch or even get to shower. I do not like wondering if I will be kidnapped or making sure I find someone to help me when I am drunk.

I do not want to stay on the run I have been running my whole life and I am tired of it. I want my parents to be there I want my old life back if I just hadn’t taken that first puff. if I hadn’t taken that first hit. If I hadn’t taken that first drink that first snort that first job offer.

I would have a normal life now.

I would have a home.