by Lost and hurting

(Australia)

My son has just turned 18 and he has been in trouble with the law for about 3 years now. He has been to rehab twice and awaits a court appearance for various assault charges.

He has lived with his father since he was 12 as he did not want to live by our house rules and was causing disruption in our blended family, disrespecting me and his sister and having a bad influence on his younger brother.

His father was going to shut him down but instead he has just allowed him to get worse.

His father has now kicked him out because of his lack of respect for the rental house and all family members.

He has been taking drugs for a fair while now and I believe he was even dealing. I have brought him expensive gifts on occasions, always what he has asked me for and then I never see or hear of them again so I believe now that they are sold or hocked or whatever for money for drugs.

When I ask him he just lies, something that he is very good at. I have only just started to say no to him because I will end up broke, he would not think twice about fleecing me and I don’t trust him in my house, I think he is capable of stealing whatever he needs to fill his needs.

When I say no to him, it tears me apart because I am left wondering if this is not the time that he will get his act together and return to being the son that I know.

He contacts me only when he is in need of money and my husband is very matter of fact about it and that hurts but it also hurts that I have not heard from him, not even a hello for weeks or months before this point and when I hear his voice or see his name on my phone, I know I have to prepare myself for that sickening, abandoning feeling that I get when I say no.

The last contact I had was him saying that he has been out of rehab for 4 weeks and that his girlfriend told him that I did not want anything to do with him.

His father has now kicked him and so he was living with friends but they have just kicked him out too. He has no girlfriend, no money, no job and no place to live and then he asked what I could do for him.

He asked me for advice but he has never respected any advice that I have offered him before. I found it hard to believe anything he said again and felt he just wanted money from me.

I regret not believing his sob story and helping him but I know deep down he was just saying what he thought I wanted to hear to get some money, as I haven’t heard from him or his father since.

I am lost in this world that says he has to reach rock bottom but what if that is worse than a stint in jail, what if he ends up dead somehow?

I have spent years trying to guide him, rewarding and praising him for the good things and trying to help him understand the consequences of his actions but he always blames somebody else, including me, and justifies what he does.

Just when I see a faint sign of my son, it lasts about a week and then he is gone again. I get my hopes up every time because I know he is in there somewhere and then he does something that just kills me and I lose him again.

I wonder if in helping him get to rock bottom, if I am not actually severing that very fine tether of mother/son bond that I actually have left and then will it ever be repairable again.

I love my son a lot and yet I hate him for what he has done to himself, to me and to us. I love my son but he is lost and I don’t know this one well enough to help him find my son and send him back to me.