Son is a drug addict?

by: Ned Wicker

Cyndi,

Sadly, the addict is usually the last person to understand that there is a problem. An addict/alcoholic may deny the problem for years, always blaming someone else, becoming argumentative and defensive at the mere mention of the subject.

Moms and dads are placed in a tough position, and so often they enable the addiction, not wanting to lose the relationship with their child. You may be experiencing that now. They enable and the problem becomes theirs, not the addict’s.

Your son does not want to stop using.

He does not want his life to change.

He does not believe there is any problem. Mom and dad live with it.

Sometimes the line in the sand has to be drawn. His problem has to be his and not yours. Call it tough love, but you can’t be the one who enables the behavior, you have to say no.

Addiction impacts the entire family and so the family needs to be united and work together to help the one they love. Go to your doctor and have a conversation.

He/she might have some recommendations. Al-Anon is a great organization and they help people just like you. A local drug treatment center might help you and give you direction. The point is you are not alone and you need to put your team together and formulate a game plan.

Together you can help your son. Don’t try to go it alone, it doesn’t work. Bottom line – you son needs to get into treatment and he needs to stop using. Period. He will have every excuse you can think of and then some for why he doesn’t need help.

Don’t buy into anything he says. Get some professional help, hold your ground and persevere. There is hope.

by: Lynette

Dear Cyndi,

I think Ned’s comments are great.

My son became a drug addict at a young age. I ended up trying to help him in every way I could, such as bailing him out of jail, getting him lawyers, taking him to rehabs, and then visiting him, and giving him money and on and on. That had been going on for 13 years!

Just within the last couple of months and with him returning to jail I have been concentrating on my own recovery as an enabler. When you enable you THINK you are helping your child but instead you are hurting them because they need to experience the consequences of their behavior. That may make them want to change.

What is important is that you get help for yourself, as I have been. I finally realized, through Al Anon meetings and other support, that I have to concentrate on myself and to detach from my son as much as possible.

It is very hard for me to do this because I have been doing the opposite for so long. But, I already see that that is helping me. Hopefully, it will help him too because he’ll realize that he does not have my support unless he is in recovery for a substantial amount of time.

I highly recommend: Al Anon meetings, speaking to a clergy, going to a regular M.D., and getting a counselor. These are some of the supports I have.

Good luck and I’ll pray for you.-Lynette

by: Bill

Everything in life is a choice–I have a 24 year old son that never did a drug until he reached 21–mainly Percocets. I watched for 3 years–approaching occasionally, and while admitting that he was, he still made the choice to continue–his motive to appease us was short-lived, he just was ready to commit to a decision to eradicate his choice to do drugs.

Finally on October 31, 2010 he made the leap, it was the watershed to freedom–he came clean. He gave up all his contacts and cohorts. He compromised willfully all his associations to fully expose his disconnect to choice the tough road that always leads to success. He maintained the only addiction he ever had was making the wrong choice–and that is what all addictions are “a choice.”

He owns a barber shop, and it financed over that period in excess of $150,000 dollars worth, while still going on the street to finance more–they basically owned his shop selling to him.

First things first–he exposed the names and numbers of each loan shark, and I personally called them–they had to come to my home to square up–and they did. He had to pay me back after he went through the cold-turkey process. I never pursued the individual suppliers–tried that in the past, the narcs never follow through on the little guys.

The cold-turkey process commenced each day first with a hot bath, gatorade, a 20 minute workout, hot bath, more gatorade and breakfast, a massage, nap, more gatorade, walking and lunch, hot bath, nap, talks, diner, more gatorade and finally sleep–in our room, never unattended. This was a three week process, lots of pain, sweat, talking and shacking. Fourth week back to work.

He did it all, I was just along for the ride. My wife and I where merely bumpers in the gutter so that he could eventually throw a strike.

You must reiterate always that its him or her not you that makes the difference–it’s always the person themselves that reaches success. Support is just part of the process, we merely only have the same goal.

To us, addiction help centers whole purpose in reality is profit driven, not that their focus isn’t on support, it’s not genuine in the case of love. Family is the medicine that teamwork thrives on, and that choices conquer. If someone spends their whole life on the choosing the other side of insanity, why coerce them to come back? It’s when they do that support arrives, but they must come clean, or they’re not serious. Burning bridges does work when you realize your direction, nothing can stop you from reaching your thought in the future. Anything else, is done merely as profit, not support.