The end of my ropes…..
by Ben
(BKK, Th)
Hi everybody!
I gladly admit that I am having a huge problem, a problem that seems uncontrollable.
I started using Morphine when I was 9 years old! And some years later I started using every drug known to man I think. Hashish, pot, meth, L.S.D., P.C.P., ketamine, ecstasy, and of course mainlining heroin on top of that.
Now it’s been more than 20 years continuously with all of these crazy drugs combined and alcohol (if it counts??) most of the drugs have actually stopped working, at least the ecstasy, and the heroin, to the point where I started injecting not only heroin for a quick fix, a bit of all of them, and since most veins have stopped working, I will let it be up to your fantasy where that insane mix of so many crazy drugs are going mainlined…..
A little crazy point in my story is that my family never suspected this insane drug abuse, since I was pretty much a straight A student, and I am now actually finishing off my B.B.A, at a university.
My parents are doctors as well, weird right? They found out because I told them I did not wanna lie to them any more and I wanted to actually let them know where the pocket-money for my studies was going!
I have been to several detoxes in my home-country, which is situated in North-West Europe, but the most important part I believe, the after treatment, I chose to run away from, and I went back to the country I am taking my Bachelor’s! To hide I guess.
But I seriously wanted to get off all those drugs, the main problem was of course heroin, which was solved with Methadone!
That is decision I regret with more than all my heart, because it is 10000000. Times more difficult to stop than heroin itself, and one of the “definitions” for being addicted is that the drug is controlling your life, Methadone controls mt life now MORE than heroin ever did, it is impossible to quit, the ” cold turkey” just last and last for weeks and weeks!
If you cannot stop heroin alone, NEVER use Mehadone as a solution, use Subutex, it’s as easy as heroin to go off, it gives you that little “extra” you for sure long for after quitting heroin, and it’s just perfect!
Only reason I am on Methadone is because the country I am in doesn’t have Subutex as an alternative!
I am getting really tired of my life situation, without being suicidal, but I long deeply for a real program, like group therapy, or the 12 step program, I just wanna talk with somebody!
By the way, Methadone made me stop heroin for one reason, and one reason alone, because it blocks the opioid receptors to the brain, so when I’m off, of course I relapsed, I did not get high.
So I thought I would cut down, and started using only cocaine, and so on and off I have been not using heroin for about three years, but I have used 2 grams of coke a day instead, and I’m getting to old for age, frustrated, nowhere to turn, and I just don’t wanna involve my family anymore, I don’t wanna hurt them anymore than I have already done.
So what do I do?????
I am sorry if this is outside your “story-points”, but believe me, I have been searching all over the Net, and this Site is the closest one I ever found to be the most serious, and most understanding of the addiction problem that is raving every single corner of the earth!!!!
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Ibogaine Heals
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End of your ropes
Methadone treatment can be safely and painlessly withdrawn from, but it must be done in the proper way. It cannot be done “cold turkey.” But a gradual tapering of dosage will result in the freedom you seem to be lamenting. But your continued abuse of substances seems to indicate that you’ve not achieved any long-term recovery as yet, so a tapering might only result in relapse. Also, you seem to not have a good grasp on just what a long term opioid addiction can do to the brain chemistry of the person afflicted. Permanent changes result for many requiring endorphin replacement for a lifetime. Methadone is this endorphin replacement. Educate yourself, it may give you the freedom you seek. Good luck, J.R. Neuberger National Alliance for Medication Assisted Recovery |
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Your Rope Ends, God’s Rope Begins
There is an old saying that goes, “When you are at the end of your rope, that’s where God’s rope begins.” Medicine can do so much and sadly it is limited, because it cannot heal a wounded spirit, which is what I sense you are experiencing. What Methadone cannot do is treat you for what hurts. The drugs did not soothe the emotional pain, nor did they bring any meaningful satisfaction, only misery. You run from the recovery part of your treatment, or you run from your family, mainly because you have difficulty dealing with yourself. The 12 Step recovery program is all about dealing with yourself, opening yourself up and allowing yourself to change. Your parents are doctors, yet remained completely unaware for years that you were and addict. Surely somewhere along the line there was a sign, an indication, a red flag raised that something was wrong in your life, yet at the tender age of nine you were doing morphine and that tells me you had a distant relationship with your parents. You are half-way around the world now, away from home and family, isolated and free to continue your present lifestyle. There is nothing to stop your cycle of addiction. My suggestion is to return to your home in Europe, where there are ample resources to not only treat your addiction, but get you on a good recovery path that makes sense. You need support and you need your family. You say you don’t want to hurt them any more, but will you allow them to love you? The healing is more spiritual than physical and the work ahead is more about getting your life together than getting your body healthy. Part of the 12 Step process is making amends, and that begins at home. Most of all, you need to understand that God, however your understand God, loves you and desires to take an active role in your recovery. Consider this a rendezvous and an invitation to embark on a spiritual journey to wholeness, good health and a long, productive life. I sense that right now you are alone. Addiction is a family disease and entire families need to be in treatment. I see opportunity here to turn your life around. |