by Ryan

(Shelby Township, MI USA)

I feel it necessary to share my story. This is my first time getting it out there after I have just been able to tell my family and friends the truth which was so hard to do but so necessary at the same time because you never realize how much love you have until you reach out and tell the truth….

I have been able to hide my addiction since I was about 20 and I am now 27 years old. I realized had to stop just never though it was possible. See I am up from upper middle class and never thought this was something I could tell my friends or family because of the way I felt I had to carry myself but when it comes down to it, the miserable life I was living needed to go away because if I did not end that way of life I would end up dead.

It started off when I was young with a few vics a week at night. Just to catch the buzz. Over time it turned into taking vicodin every night which is when it started to run my life with me not knowing it. I chased the high and its what I looked forward to. I worked all day with family and friends and hid it for 7 years. I went sober at 23 for approximately 8 months. After that I was offered 10 750 Vicodins and decided “why not?”. This was probably the worse decision I ever made. This slowly turned into Vicodoin mixed with xanex, then slowly increasing to taking adderall (30 mg daily minimum), and then suboxone when I didn’t have vicodin thinking I was helping myself in reality only doing it worse.

Adderall would get me high the xanax would bring me down. It became a daily routine on top of that it came to the point I could take 30-50 vicodin a day no problem. To anyone that doesn’t know what its like it sounds crazy but I realize there are several people that can relate to it.

Then I started the mixing which just made it worse to where if I didn’t have a good combination of script drugs I couldn’t get thru a day or night.

I finally realized if I didn’t stop I’d lose it all. I wanted to quit for so long but was scared to tell anyone. Coming from a very blunt, a bit arrogant if you will, to where I feel like I shouldn’t care what anyone thinks of me in this situation it’s impossible to think that way.

I had a dream and I truly believe it was my guardian angel because this person came to me and said “you need to stop now. I am giving you a get out of jail free card now just stop and sleep it off”

At 27 years after disappointing my family, friends, and mostly myself I went through 5 or 6 days of pure hell. My dreams were so real I thought they were reality because I haven’t had a real dream in so long. I slept for days upon days.

My brothers, my family, knowing I would take the occasional vicodin or adderall (thinking that was it) were beyond worried about me thinking I was dying. Up until yesterday I could finally get out of bed and walk straight and articulate sentences. At the beginning of the withdraw stages I knew I wanted to talk but the physical and mental withdraws were so bad I could only attempt to piece sentences together.

This is a very short story of the hell I put my body through while also at times doing some coke or taking “E” or “Mollys” on special occasions. I always thought the addiction would never happen to me.

I used to be addicted to working out, not pills and devoting my life, worrying on a day to day basis on how or where I was going to get them so I could feel normal for the next few days.

What’s crazy is the people that I would get them from I told them please don’t get in touch with me about the pills anymore because I’m done. Three of them told me they are proud of me. Can you believe that? Proud of me…because they too know what it’s like to go through the mental and physical pain.

Everyone needs to know that you can beat what you are facing. If I can do it when I am supposed to walk around like I am impervious to addiction or pain I promise you, you have support. I will support. I will answer questions for anyone.

Now at 27 years old for a short time I’ve been sober but haven’t felt this good in years for this is longest time Ive been sober in years. Please let me help you if I can. I am still young and can live my life without worrying about how I’m going to get through my days without my fix.

I am not back to work yet but I now know that I can beat this and I PROMISE YOU that again IF I CAN BEAT THIS ANYONE CAN.

This is a disease and you need to realize that…its not your fault and it can start off enjoying the high you get after taking to many vicodins after getting your wisdom teeth pulled. Thats how simple it starts.

God Bless you all going through this, I promise there is light at the end of the tunnel and nothing feels better then saying this is the longest Ive been sober in 4 years.

Please contact me for help or questions I will be happy to share more…

Here’s to sobriety and to the help if anyone needs please don’t hesitate…

-Ryan