by Michele

Hi,

I’m 45 and an addict in recovery. I have 6 yr old twins a boy and a girl. At the age of two my daughter became mama to her brother because I was in total progressive active addiction.

This was very dangerous and unfair to my little girl. But, she was doing a better job at being mama than I. Looking back I can see now the danger they were in and the loss of trust and security and fear they both were feeling. This is very painful to admit. The memories we should
all have are not at all what they are. My babies have memories not good ones either, all the way back to two years old.

Drugs cost us many things. But I was the one using not them. I was there times I probably shouldn’t have been, and not there many times I should have. I wasn’t sure if I was running to or from something I was just trying to escape my feelings. And my escape turned out to
be my trap and their loss, along with a lot of pain and misery.

There is no justifiable excuse in the world good enough to use to escape responsibility for the damage me and my drug use caused to my children and my family. So I stopped trying to find one.

A person cannot let anyone or anything relieve them of the responsibility of our actions, we have to take ownership of them. We did it so we are responsible.

And as far as being powerless?

We are powerless in active addiction but we come down sometime and make that choice to use again or not. If we would just play it through to the end to the consequences and not just the temporary escape we would all be a lot saner
people. Unfortunately we don’t. And the damage has been done from our wrong decisions and addictive behavior.

Our addictions have voices and if we would
learn to recognize them when they speak to us we can control them. With enough knowledge, support, and love for ourselves and others we can beat addiction.

It’s not a disease that is incurable, addiction is a behavior and a pattern of thinking that can be changed if only we want to change it. I can’t change the past or live in it, if I do I will never have a future, and I will ruin today.

So I ask for forgiveness from the ones I hurt and show my sincerity through the way I live now today.

I forgive myself and look to God for healing and strength to live accordingly.. I hope that my sharing helps someone else out of the bondage of addiction.

Thanks and Good Luck to all..