Fiance addicted to Oxycontin..

by Clare
(Clinton, CT)

Hi there,

I found out my fiance was addicted to Oxycontin and had been lying about it for the past 2 1/2 years.

We are supposed to get married in a year. He has completed a rehab program and is returning home this week with an after care program that includes a therapist, sponsor, A.A./N.A. meetings and is looking to go to a sober living facility.

I am dreading seeing him. I feel numb and alternate between feelings of anger and sorrow. It's like I'm grieving the future I have been working so hard towards.

I don't know what to think. Some family and friends have advised me to leave him and others have told me to wait and see if he gets better. I'm seeing a counselor and have gotten support at my church as well.

Part of me wants to leave because I'm so devastated by this and have so little hope for a positive outcome. Everything I read online indicates that most addicts relapse and some do even five or ten years into recovery.

I also don't want to get my hopes up at all because I don't think I can bear getting disappointed with this. I also think because I'm choosing not to have hopeful expectations, I may be too negative about the whole thing.

I love this man with my whole heart but I am not sure yet if I can bear a future where relapse is a possibility.

How can I make the decision to have children with someone who could be so selfish? How long does he have to remain sober before I can trust he's made the right changes? I am so conflicted about this...

Any insight you can offer would be truly helpful and appreciated.

Thank you.

Comments for Fiance addicted to Oxycontin..

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You have a very difficult decision to make.
by: Debbie Wicker

Dear Clare

The decision you're trying to make is so difficult that I will not presume to advise you what you should do. What I may be able to do is to give you boundaries to set up to verify that he isn't using, if you do decide to stay with him.

Trust is going to be earned one day at a time. So, if it where me, here are the boundaries I would establish so that I could learn to trust him again:

1. He MUST go to meetings and work the 12 steps at least twice a week. (I would go with him and join Al-anon and work the steps with him so we could remain exactly on the same page.)

2. He must submit to a hair follicle drug test every three months that will show any opiate usage in the last three months.

3. If he violates either of these in the next year then the relationship will be over.

If he agrees to this, then you may begin to trust him again because your trust will be verified.

On the other hand, the lies he has told during his addiction may be too much and you may have to decide that there is too much water under the bridge and you need to end the relationship now. That's a choice that only you can make, no one can make that for you.

Good luck,

Debbie

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