How do I explain to my children that their dad is an “addict”
by Sally
(Chicago)
Recently, my boys witnessed their father’s overdose of methadone. They were visiting with him on vacation. While staying with their dad, they were unable to get him to respond.
They had to call 911. They witnessed the chaos of the EMT’s/the hospital, their dad’s coma, etc. I have a 10y, 11y and a 18y. My 18 year old son has resided with their father and he is completely aware of the situation.
We live about two hours away so after about two days, I made the younger sons come back home and get away from the hospital. I did not go, but my sister’s had been taking care of the boys afterwards.
Anyway, to make a long story short, their dad is now awake and being sent home from the hospital. He has no drugs in his system and has been “detoxed” from the methadone. How do I explain to the little guys what it means to be an addict? I hear their dad is already acting crazy without his medicine. I have shut my phones off today, because I know he is going to be calling.
Pending any court hearings, etc, I am not planning to allow any type of overnight visiting. I don’t believe he can really do anything about it.. He is broke. But my boys think I’m just being vengeful, etc. They hate this and I get all of the blame. How do I make them understand? I intend to hold out until he actually completes some sort of program toward his recovery.
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Be Honest and Up Front
When I was in the seminary I took a course called “Dealing With Difficult People.” There was a saying that was used that has resonated with me for years, ever since I first read it. “There are no difficult people, just difficult relationships.” Your youngest is old enough to understand some pretty grown up things, so be straight forward with him. Explain that their father has a brain disease that robs him of the ability to make good decisions. It’s not his fault. It happened. If your kids play video games they will likely understand how difficult it is to stop playing. Or if you put a package of Oreo cookies out on the kitchen table and tell your kids they may only have one, that’s a pretty hard directive to follow. If one cookie tasted so good, then I want to have another, and another. Nobody sets out to be an addict. It isn’t something you sign in your high school yearbook…”I’m going to be addicted to drugs.” Obviously, your relationship failed and the children bounce between two homes. It’s easy to use them against your ex, so you have to be careful to be supportive and to respect the fact that the kids need their father. You can also explain that the entire family can play a part in dad getting better, but we have to do the right things. Maybe right now it isn’t safe to be around dad because he has a health problem and isn’t thinking clearly. Kids are really smart. They know when you’re trying to dodge an issue. Just face it straight on, in an age-appropriate manner, and get them to help you help their father. I would also call Al-anon and get some support for yourself. Al-teen would be good for the kids. The more you understand his experience and what he is dealing with, the better you can help the situation and contribute to building a healthy relationship between the kids and their dad. Again, be open, honest and don’t insult their intelligence. They already know something is wrong. |
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Thank you
I do know that they need their father, but I really want them to see a healthy father. I just don’t know if that’s possible. |