by Jay

(South East England)

It’s been something like two years. I don’t know exactly, I don’t like to count. It’s never as long as you think it’s been when you work it out and I always find that hard!

My name is Jay, I’m 28 now and I come from a fairly well off loving home, I always felt a little shy inside and didn’t mix well. I tried the odd little bit of speed when i used to go out but never thought I’d end up like i did. Basically in brief through a friend I tried coke. And as time went on I used more and more, on some cases as much as 18 grams in a night.

I used when I met my girlfriend, i used when she became my fiance, and still when she became my wife. She of course knew and occasionally used socially, but she stopped, and told me to. That’s when I was at my worst, now I had to lie, and when I lied i used more and more. Any excuse, any time….. work, home, alone with friends.

My life started to become coke related. I was forever thinking about it, buying it, taking it, lying about it, hiding it.

Any way time went on, I’d been married about 2 years or so and my wife left. Funny enough not anything to do with drugs, she claimed she never knew, but more like never cared.

She had an affair, I fell apart, I tried to commit suicide but in honesty pretty much bottled it. Tried an overdose but it’s not easy when your body has such a high tolerance! Tried crashing the car but got too scared. So I did what I felt I needed to.

I TOLD, every one, my parents, sisters, ex’s family. Just every one that mattered and would listen. For me that was probably the hardest part. I had to sit and watch the look in the eyes of the parents I love so much as I muttered those dirty words. “mum, dad. I have a problem. I am a cocaine addict.”

I cry even just writing them. Then I made my promise, to me more than any one else. That was going to be it, no more drugs, none of the people, none of the places.

And that was exactly what I did. I DID IT. Just me. I walked away. I walked from the pubs I drank in, The town I’d hang around in, and probably hardest ALL of my friends that where involved.

Even my very best mate, also called Jay, I know he’s had a child now and hope he’s clean and doing well, but I couldn’t fix him too. I needed all of my energy for me. I had no direct help. No rehab or alike. I just stopped, I hurt and I struggled. I called my sis at 1 am just to talk to try and stop my brain realising how much it wanted to escape.

It took a lot of sitting and looking at my self to realise that i didn’t like me and i had many issues, but slowly day by day i beat them, and although i wouldn’t say i love my self i am def starting to like me a bit more.

I moved on, i’ve met someone. I have a step daughter now, she’s 8. She can be a pain but i guess we all where at 8. I love her to bits and i love her mum in a way i never thought i’d love any one. And if you’re reading this then you’ll be only the third person to find out, she’s pregnant! I am so happy.

Look I still have the odd down day, even now. I just crash and I find it a little hard to cope. My mrs sorta understands but no one will ever get it 100 per cent unless they’ve been there.

All I want to say to you is that if you’re reading this then you’re on you’re way there, i promise. We don’t all take the same route and only you can decide which route is right for you. But you can do it. No matter how dark it gets there will always be a light. No matter how hard it gets there will always be some one to reach out and take your hand.

Many of us have walked through the valley of the shadow of death before, and now we are like family. You don’t know me, you haven’t met me but be assured my i’m hear. When people don’t listen it is time to shout, and when they don’t run to help you run to them and ask for their help.

You will do it, hold your head high and be strong. Because when you make it, it will all be worth while.

Take care x