Losing my true self

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Losing my true self

(Williamsport, PA)

As a child, I had always been shy. I believe I had anxiety since kindergarten, and the depression developed in fifth grade because of the anxiety, and my inability to connect with others on account of being afraid of being judged.

As the years went on, it only got worse. I had a few very close friends throughout middle school and high school, but had always felt like the odd one out if other kids were around our small group, because they seemed so at ease with others and there I was keeping quiet and feeling awkward…

That is until 8th grade, when I had my first taste of alcohol, and later my first hit out of a G station. The first time I got drunk, it was like my anxiety and depression completely lifted, I didn’t have a care in the world.

So from then on I continued to feed those habits and for years all I really thought about and looked forward to was getting high or getting drunk, it was an escape, and let’s face it.. most people are a lot more friendly and welcoming when they’re under the influence. I confused that with friendship, even though in the back of my mind I think I knew it wasn’t good for me.

Me and my best friend, basically from birth, both took to the party lifestyle pretty rapidly. We hung-out with some of the biggest lowlifes in the area, not realizing we were just destroying ourselves. We were full fledged alcoholics, it’s an easy thing to like once you get a taste of it.

Over the period of 6 years, I continually drank and used every drug there was besides the really hard stuff, like heroin and meth. Percs landed me in the hospital, because of the effects it has on your stomach.. Weed has caused me to pass out, I found out this is because of rapid drop in blood pressure, and although it happened about 15 times, I continued to smoke it time after time. Synthetic weed, also known as K2 almost killed me three times.

I was addicted to Adderall, and also cocaine, and the worst of them all for me was Suboxone, which is now used to help stop addiction to heroin, but really it’s only a double sided sword… if non-users start taking it, it can lead to addiction.

By using drugs and drinking alcohol constantly, I lost respect for myself, I slept with people I should not have slept with, I dated losers who fed my bad habits and drug me down further, and I destroyed my relationship with some of my friends, most of my family, and I destroyed a relationship with a boy who I loved very much. I earned myself the reputation of a whore and party girl, and was in denial of both.

I still carry those names around with me today, even though I am a changed person. Drinking and doing drugs to be happy makes you oblivious. Your view on life is altered, permanently. You forget how to have fun while sober, sober begins to be boring. It will take your ability to be a happy, normal functioning human being away from you, and not to mention drain you of any money you may have that could go towards building a future for yourself.

I am nineteen years old, I have been a druggy, an alcoholic, have been a rape victim, have nearly died, have been suicidal and self-harmed, have been a thief and all of those things absolutely destroyed my spirit.

What was my wake up call? When I jumped into a relationship with a boy who I knew was a dealer, and did drugs, and robbed, and did just about every illegal thing in the book. I tried to fix him, I learned what it felt like to want the best for someone, to see potential in someone who was so deep into the rut they dug themselves into that they barely had hope of getting out. I worried until all I did every minute of every day was cry and scream and cut because I was way too overwhelmed by it all. I’m not one to give up, but that changed when he stole from my family.

He took a massive amount of money out of my home and even then I didn’t believe he did it, because I didn’t want to believe he would hurt me… but he did. After defending him and nearly losing my family because I was in complete denial and lashing out at them, my best friend called me and we had a talk.

I realized I was choosing a boy over my family who had never left my side, who always chose to fight with me and for me even when I was a rebelling little asshole who didn’t care to hear anything they said. I realized I didn’t want them to feel how I did when I was worrying about my boyfriend, constantly scared and hopeless and frustrated, and I know it had to be a hundred times worse for them, I was their youngest daughter.

Even though I think about using almost every day, I don’t. I busy myself with things I actually enjoy.. gym, hula hoop dancing, meditating, reading, hiking, art, yoga, gardening, dirt-biking, anything that is good for my mind my heart and my soul.

I found God, and it feels wonderful to have hope, and to be able to look forward to life, and not wake up in the morning wishing I could just sleep endlessly. Counseling is a must for me, even though it isn’t easy or fun talking about yourself, it helps you accept and grow…

I’ve discovered that people who haven’t the slightest clue of who you are, will actually be there for you, they will listen to your story, they will give you words of encouragement, because they know life isn’t an easy thing. I always felt alone, until I realized we’re never truly alone.. There’s always someone willing to help, even in the smallest ways.

So now that I’m beginning to find myself again, and become the person that was waiting to come out for all these years, I’m going to keep it that way. I hope someone is able to connect with this, even though I didn’t have the time to be detailed. Stay strong, beautiful people. There is always hope.


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