My drug addict dad
There's not many people I know that have a dad like mine. Well from what I know, I don't know any. Finding this website is something I've always wanted to do. I guess I've just been too scared and worried to open up about it because I worried about what people will think. Opening up about this is a huge challenge for me as I feel like people will judge me badly. But here I am today 15 years old, writing about my life growing up.
You don't get to choose your dad but if you could, you wouldn't choose a drug addict. My dad was a heroin addict for around 16/17 years (I think). He was also an alcoholic for around a year. My dad has smoked weed, and probably tried every drug you can think of.
He went through a period of time when he "lost the plot" (what I like to call it), and he thought people were after him and he thought that there were cameras in the light bulbs. He has loads of tablets to take and he sometimes has taken more than he should. He's been to prison (once since I've been around, loads before I was born), and there's been times when I've thought he was dead. Can I just say that I don't live with my dad, I only see him at weekends and I live with my mom, step dad, brother and sister during the week.
Where do I start... there's so much to tell?
The first thing that pops into my head when thinking about this is when I saw him using heroin, I was so intrigued, however I didn't know what it really was at the time. He used to tell me no and to go away, but I was so close to my dad I liked to follow him everywhere. So seeing my dad doing that meant, seeing him off his face and seeing him all over the place and I do say it is not something you wish to see a person like. Especially your dad.
He would pretend sometimes that when he took it, he was having some sort of fit or dying, and I used to be so scared, crying. Of course it was always a joke, but back then it didn't seem like it and every time he did it, he always got me worse every time. I was stupid enough to believe it.
I wonder sometimes why I even worried about him because he caused all this himself. My dad doesn't drive so when it came to fetching the drugs, me and him went on the bike for a long, long bike ride and I would be absolutely knackered, but at the time I didn't mind because as long as I was with my dad I was fine.
Taking heroin caused my dad to be in and out a hospital a lot over the years, especially when he got worse. He got a lot of blood clots and this means he was in hospital for a while. He was told that he had the possibility of losing his leg… That’s when I thought that he would realize, what a mess he was in, but it didn’t change one thing at all.
Things got worse and because my dad didn’t work, he was on the dole. So he used most of his money on that and borrowed a lot of my nan. Sometimes it even got to the stage where I had to give him back the pocket money he gave me. He would also take my Wii games into cash generator when he got desperate and also take my nan's wedding ring into the pawn shop almost every few weeks. He had to move to my nan's house when I think I was about 6 because someone smashed his windows through, so since then he has lived with my nan.
Another thing I remember is when my dad was desperate for a fix and he had no money, my nan was telling him no. I was so scared because they were shouting and arguing, my dad said to my nan for every time you tell me no when I ask I will smash another ornament and he did every time.
While I was upstairs something went on and my nan went, and then after a while the police came. It was horrible I was screaming for them to leave my dad alone but they took him away and that’s when he went to prison for about 6 months.
At one time he got submitted to a hospital where they help you and he still managed to get drugs in some way. Again finally when I thought he was sorting his life out, everything went wrong again. He decided he was going to get a flat and the one day he had another argument with nan so we went there.
It was the day before Easter the time when my dad “lost the plot”. He got his fix and then he was getting paranoid saying “there’s someone coming up the back stairs”, so he phoned the police and they thought he was mad. After about the fourth time of ringing them, they came and took us both back to my nans. This is when he thought that the next door neighbors had somehow gotten into our house and put cameras in the light bulbs and the television. So he took the T.V apart and unscrewed the light bulbs making me try and believe it was real. I somehow believed him for a while because who wouldn’t believe there dad, but it wasn’t real, it was all imaginary to him.
My dad started drinking after saying he was off the drugs. He said it was just a beer to make him feel better then it got to the stage where he was out the door at 7am to fetch it from the shops every day, and it got from not one bottle of beer but to two and three. Sometimes even four. I knew this was the start of yet another addiction.
There was a time when he made me come with him and it was snowing, we had to ride there on our bikes at like 6:45 in the morning. It was freezing. When nan took me to town I’d always be scared of what we would come home to. The one day we said to him we are going out don’t do anything stupid. When we got back I screamed and cried and cried. I rang the ambulance straight away. I thought he was dead, he sat slumped on the chair, his head on the table, glass smashed on the floor. I was scared and frightened. We tried to wake him but he wouldn’t wake.
When the ambulance came they asked if he took any sort of drugs and I said I don’t know. That I will never find out. Thinking of all this still gives me nightmares today and I will never be able to trust my dad the same again. When he got admitted to a small hospital thing they gave him loads of tablets and to me this is his next addiction. He always takes them early and he’s awake at like 1 o’clock early hours in the morning to take them he says they’ve wared of and he’s rattling. He gets really ill, shaking and everything if he doesn’t take them in time.
My dad also has depression and anxiety which I forgot to mention, so these tablets are supposed to help but they don’t really. If he has a bad day and he still feels unwell (depressed and anxiety) he will take a few extra tablets and because of this he has had to go to hospital for an overdose (not a bad one).
My dad goes to a place where they ask him questions about if he’s took drugs and they do a drug test and he’d show me the paper with the results on but a while ago he stopped going, so that makes me think he’s doing something. I don’t feel I can trust him because I’ve caught him out when he said he doesn’t drink and I’ve found empty bottles where he thinks there hidden in his room.
Because of everything I’ve gone through it makes me constantly paranoid at my nan and dads because in my head its telling me he’s still doing some sort of drug. I know he’s not doing heroin but I feel like he’s doing something. But because we haven’t been through a bad stage for about a year and half I don’t like to question it.
Whether he’s just good at being secretive or I’m just scared because I think he would do it again I don’t know, but I will never be able to pick up the courage to ask him. I hate sleeping at my nan and dads because I hardly sleep and think that something bad is going to happen like the windows get smashed or something.
I will always be so grateful of my wonderful mom and step-dad who have been together for 13 years, for always being there for me and picking me up from my dad’s, when I unexpectedly call them. No matter what the situation they always have helped me and seen me through it. They have been so supportive and I can’t thank them enough. They are wonderful parents and I love them very much. I also want to thank my nan because without her we wold have nowhere to live and my dad wouldn’t be where he is today.
I’m so glad things are not the way they were before but I know and in my head things won’t ever be normal. Having an addict as a parent is horrible, it will completely destroy you, it made me ill and I do blame it on my dad. I constantly have to worry about him, all day, during school, before I sleep.
One day, I will have the courage when I am old enough, to ask him whether he still did some sort of drug, but I don’t think I will get a true answer. This will never go away and as it went on for so long it will always linger over me.
I am so mature because of what I had to go through, so I get treated more as an adult than a child. I will never forgive my dad for what he done but at the end of the day he will always be my dad no matter what. He isn’t the best of dads but he will always buy me stuff and love me unconditionally. Even when he went through all that he still cared for me properly and I never went without. Luckily for me in a few weeks we are going to Blackpool, which I am surprised about because my dad doesn’t ever go out.
Although this will always stay with me and I will always worry, I will still love my dad no matter what. Anyone that has had to go through something like this will understand how I feel but right now I don’t think anyone knows the impact it really has on my life. Thank you to anyone who reads this and please don’t judge…