by Amanda

Hi there.
My partner has been using cocaine and I am not coping well! I found out about 2 years ago and since then he has cried and begged saying he would never touch it again. Then I find some and we go through the whole saga again.

First he is aggressive and accusational, then eventually we get to the crying and begging again. But this time is different. I thought he was using so I checked his pockets and they were empty. Two days later I found a half used wrap and I confronted him. Two weeks on and he is still saying it was an old jacket and he has no idea what is in his pockets.

He has called me some very nasty things and is still furious saying I am insane and mad. So I said let's just sort it out take a hair strand test and then we will know if I am mad.

He knows that this is the last straw for me. He's says that it is a mad idea from a mad woman that will prove nothing. He is never this horrible for this long. I don't know what to do and it's really difficult.

Sorry I just wanted a different perspective and sorry for rambling! !

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You'll know if or when he finally moves into recovery from his addiction.
by: Debbie Wicker

Dear Amanda,

You're not rambling, or crazy, or mad or anything else you're being accused of. You're someone who loves someone that is likely addicted to cocaine.

Addiction is a disease of the brain that changes a person into someone who ONLY cares about getting the drug. Cocaine is highly addictive and very hard to stop using on your own. Also, the addict will need more and more to get the same effect, that's often why addiction is so destructive.

Consider going to Al-anon meetings two or three times a week and working the 12 step program. Also, try to find a sponsor who has helped their partner to quit.

Once you're attending meetings and working the steps, invite your partner to start going to meetings with you. Getting him to meetings so that he can begin to move away from his addiction will be more useful than arguing or trying to get him to quit on his own.

Most people need support from other former addicts to figure out how to stop using. Research shows that if you're both going to meetings and working the steps, the addiction recovery success rate goes up significantly. If he does this, then you will both learn about addiction together, and discover the best way to communicate with each other about it.

You'll also receive support from other women who have been where you're at and made the difficult choices necessary to love their partners but to hate their addiction.

Hope this helps,


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