by mariah

(montana)

Hi my name is Mariah Holbrook and I would like to tell you about my drug addiction and how I got past it. I have been doing drugs for four years. To me there is no “high” in getting high from drugs or alcohol, there is just avoiding the reality that my life amounts to only this meaning cycle.

When I now think of what I did and how this may affect my future I now regret how I spent my time. I am forced to look back on how much I have lost and the family I had lost and the friends I lost.

After being faced with this reality week after week year after year I wondered if something could have been done. I now know if you try and do something it can be done no matter what.

I was never satisfied with anything. Life where I lived was no fun. so when I was a kid .I started getting in to trouble and started parting, I jumped right in.

I think I was eleven, when I was doing all this it was to the point I was hiding joints in my cigarettes pack I was putting my alcohol in my friends suitcase so I would be only drinking it.

Part of my probation is going to AA two times a week. I here a lot of older men talk about there drinking and they remind me of my father.

I would stay out late getting high with people I met in the city or just wondering around. My dad moved out a few years before, and mom was working all day, so she was passed out after the evening news.

No one knew where I was, or even that I was gone. I would come in at three or four in the morning, the trick was to not be so stoned that I would wake everyone up and that was very hard to do. I realize now that I had lost of people who could have set me straight, but I didn’t listen. I knew more than anybody else did.

When it got to the point where my parent wouldn’t let me out of my home I started running away and I had no money so I started prostituting. I went to the pre-release center and I was having sex with them. I would ask for a piece of paper first showing that they didn’t have aids or any disease that could harm me.

I was very careful of what I was doing but it was not a smart thing to do. I would do anything to get drugs and my prostitution proves it. When I had stopped drinking on my own. I was able to stop because I had changed my friends.

I was going to a psychiatrist and he said, “look you have a problem with alcohol and drugs, you need help”. I had taken his advise and now I am clean and it is definitely better now, but I didn’t feel that way at first.

When I first stopped doing pot my life felt like it was falling apart. The first crash was like the air had been sucked out of me, my body just refused to respond.

I felt like the world was either trying to keep me from getting me high or trying to get me high. I never thought this day would come that I would wake up and wonder what I will be doing today without wondering where I will be today.

If I would even get to sleep in a bed or have lunch or even get to shower. I do not like wondering if I will be kidnapped or making sure I find someone to help me when I am drunk.

I do not want to stay on the run I have been running my whole life and I am tired of it. I want my parents to be there I want my old life back if I just hadn’t taken that first puff. if I hadn’t taken that first hit. If I hadn’t taken that first drink that first snort that first job offer.

I would have a normal life now.

I would have a home.

by chris

(clarksville,tennessee)

For the past three years i have been addicted to cocaine and i have no job and i need support and praying to help me overcome my addiction.

I’m a 20 years old and I’m tired of going nowhere in my life. Please feel free to send me a comment anytime (on this page) and help me with support and please pray for me.

by Honey

(Wilkes Barre Pa)

I am a 60 year young revovering addict, who used and abused drugs, myself and others for 34 years. my drug of choice was more even though I would rather have opiates. I have been in recovery for 7 years just had a clean annivarsary on Dec. 1, 2008.

I didn’t ever think it was possible for me to get clean and stay clean just for today. after numerous of rehabs and jail sentencs I finally admitted that I had a problem and it wasn’t just a drug problem it was a never learning to grow up problem and that I needed to take responsibility for my actions and stop blaming the world for the unhealthy choices I had been making.

I moved from the city i had been raised in and found an NA meeting and started taking the suggestions of the program once I admitted I had made a complete mess of my life on my own I asked for help got a sponsor and allowed myself to be guided throgh the 12 Steps and the Traditions of the NA program, things have gotten so much better for me. I no longer sleep in old buildings or steal to support a habit.

I have become a productive member of society, I have become a taxpayer and not a burden to others just for today. So if there is anyone that thinks they are to old, to young or to far gone to recover I have learned it is never to late to find recovery.

by Aj

(CA)

I wish I knew that life was actually possible after using meth. I wanted to stop every minute of everyday for years, but the withdrawals were so intense… I couldn’t make it past one day.

It wasn’t until I got sent to prison for a year, (drug related crimes.. DUI’s, possession…etc.) that I got clean.

It was by far the most horrible, painful, and terrifying experience for over 4 months. That is how long I “came down” for. I think the effects of meth, (physically and mentally) is different for everyone.

I was one of the few who looking at me, you would never know I smoked meth for 7 years. My teeth aren’t cracked, decayed, and falling out, my skin hasn’t been picked at and doesn’t have an unhealthy appearance… I even still look quite a bit younger than I am.

This, I thought made me one of the “Lucky Ones.” I now think the opposite, I have always been overly concerned about my appearance, (due to low self-esteem) and if it would have started to turn me into looking like what I was… an addict then maybe I would have stopped.

I think I would have found a way. I came out of prison and was clean 3 years. Started using meth again and got busted within a month in the most unusual way, I wasn’t driving around high, etc. I know there’s life after meth, I lived it for 3 years.

It is like going outside in the warm sun after being in a cold dungeon for what seems like forever. Now I have been reading about how to stop and lessen the withdrawals from meth… and massage therapy and a combo of amino acids can do wonders.

I will be trying it and already spent my “drug money,” on amino acid supplements.

I wanna feel the warm sun again.

by Devon

(Canada)

My Name is Devon.

I have battled an Oxycontin addiction many times in my life.

I was a heavy partier in my early days and took excessive amounts of ecstasy and cocaine.

After years of this weekend abuse I knew that it had to stop.

I turned to percocet thinking that this was a step down from cocaine and ecstasy.

I was very misinformed and never did the research myself.

I started taking 1 or 2 percs a day(snorting).

After a while I started to be able to take 5 6 or even 10 percs.

This is when the addiction set in.

One day we were unable to locate percs and were offered oxycontin instead. The dealer told us that it was 4 percs in one small pill.

This was the beginning of my downward spiral.

I used heavy amounts of oxycontin after that time.

I battled with quitting over and over and kept falling to the helplessness.

After 3 years of abuse I turned to my mother for help. I left my hometown of 19 years and started over somewhere new.

I was clean for over 2 years when I had a relapse.

This relapse turned into another relapse which again grew into oxy addiction.

I have used off and on for the last 4 months and now have started the clean road again.

One thing I can say to other addicts is you can not run from your problems but you certainly can overcome them.

I have been 4 days clean now and have my mind back. I was fortunate and did not have many harsh withdrawal symptoms. At this point I only have difficulty sleeping and am feeling good again.

Willpower and support= clean lifestyle.

Stay strong everybody there will be good days and there will be bad days.

by Katy

(Texas)

I started using drugs when I was 13 years old. I remember sitting in my bathroom with one of my friends smoking weed out of a soda can.

I couldn’t believe the feeling I had it was amazing. I felt like nothing could hurt me, nothing could bother me. I was invincible.

I never figured that, that first time of smoking that weed would lead me into a 3 year spiral of about six different drug addictions. I went from smoking a little weed now and then to cocaine.

I was in the back yard of my house with one of my friends that was staying over and he had it in a little baggie. We went behind the shop and he told me to just snort it up my nose. I put my head down and just breathed that white powder line up my nose.

It burned like crazy, but man did it feel good. I was completely numb. My teeth felt like they weren’t there. It Felt amazing. I was just turning 14 at that time. My freshman year of high school was wear it really began.

I was hanging out with these three people i new and i was smoking weed everyday, i would dip it in promithozine to get a better effect. I was drinking every weekend, having sex with people i didn’t even barely know.

I started snorting coke again like three weeks before school got out for the summer, I skipped the last three weeks of school to get high. I decided to stay with this new friend i met over the summer, not two weeks after summer started i found out what speed was.

My friend told me to get that straw right there and to snort that line right there really fast. I instantly did what she told me, i knew how good coke felt i new this was gunna be good too. I snorted that line and man did it burn a whole lot worse than the coke did.

But it was the best high i had experienced yet. It was amazing. i just wanted to keep snorting it, the whole summer before my sophomore year i smoked and snorted coke, and speed. I was smoking weed still, but it wasn’t as good of a high as the meth.

when sophomore year started i met this new friend. I thought she was the coolest person ever. She introduced me to ecstasy.

That feeling absolutely topped all the other ones. When i started using all these drugs at the same time. i started to not come home any more. I was just about to turn 15 years old.

i was running away, and threatening my parents. I had already been arrested for theft, and picked up like 6 times for runaway. I was going to all these peoples house and meeting new people, doing more and more drugs.

when i finally turned 16 i was out of control i need drugs to sleep because i’d be up for days on end i was 180ibs on my 16th birthday, my grandparents finally brought me to a psychiatrist and she called the police on me, i was arrested and processed.

When they weighed me i was 103 ibs. i had lost that much weight in 3 months. I was horrible looking i had sores on my face, my clothes were just falling off of me, i was abusive, mean, and hateful.

I would hurt anybody that came into my life, it was emotional hurt i would screw you over so bad. I ended up going to Laurel Ridge Rehabilitation Center on February 5th 2009.

When i was released i went through hell i wasn’t allowed to do anything or see anybody. I had to lose all my friends. But it was what was best. It is February 9th 2010 now. I am almost a year clean i have 3 more days.

I feel so much better.

I’ve gained all my weight back and i even graduated high school early. I found the love of my life and my family thinks the world of me still.

I don’t know what i’d of done with out any of them but im so thankful everyday!

This is very difficult for me to write and share but if it helps just one young person out there who is considering taking meth not too, then it is worth the tears I shed writing this article.

Never in my worst nightmares would I ever have imagined the heartbreaking destruction and horror the eight months my daughter Keren and my family endured from June 2005 to March 2006, when the
mind and life of my beautiful, strong willed talented, and kind daughter, was destroyed by methamphetamine.

Keren lived life to the fullest and shared her life with me her mom, her dad, Steven, two brothers, James and Eric, and numerous family and friends.

Everyone, who came in contact with my special young daughter, remembers her as strong, kind, loving, headstrong caring, and fun to be around.

Keren was working and attending the University of Houston, majoring in psychology. She always received straight A’s in all of her subjects. She won awards for her artwork and was a talented singer. Keren’s future plans included joining the Peace Corps, traveling and living abroad.

My caring beautiful daughter loved being alive and enjoyed life with her family friends and cats. All of this changed, when she became involved with Meth.

Keren was very health conscious, and when she gained more weight than usual, she started attending a gymnasium to work out and lose the extra 10 pounds.

Her personal trainer, who later became her boyfriend, introduced her to Meth.

Although my daughter was against any type of drugs, her personal trainer/boyfriend persuaded her that Meth would accelerate her weight loss and
give her energy for college.

But still I have to remember Keren was 22 at the time and it was her decision to take the meth she could have said no.

In no time, Keren was hooked. She broke up with her boyfriend, but at this stage, it was already too late for her. Meth had started to destroy her mind.

I once read where a Dr said every time you sniff meth it is like taking a spoon and scoping out some of your brain matter.

In October 2005, Keren was hospitalized for a week at which time the doctors informed me and her dad that Keren’s mind was probably already permanently
damaged by the drug.

Keren began hallucinating and imagined that demons were after her to kill her.

At one point, she thought that she was the Virgin Mary and had to sacrifice herself to save the world.

My family and I lived in constant fear for Keren. My daughter was also terrified of what was happening to her. She was frightened of everything and was running from one place to another. At that time she moved to Austin for three months. I presume she thought by moving she would return to her normal state of mind.

She was in such a state of paranoia and couldn’t make it through this horror alone.Keren’s close friends tried to help Keren but were powerless
to do so. I will always love her close girlfriends for trying to get through to Keren.

My daughter and I were always very close. On Friday night, March 17, 2006, we were in the kitchen, when Keren suddenly asked me, “Mom, will you love me forever?”

For the first time since this nightmare began I was afraid my daughter would try to hurt herself. “You wouldn’t do anything to yourself Keren right? You know it would kill all of us, including your eighty year old grandmother.” I said to her.

Keren answered me calmly, “Don’t worry, Mom. I won’t die.”Even though at this point the drugs were altering her mind beyond repair. I still never really thought she would commit suicide.

I guess I was in Denial

I now feel when Keren said she wouldn’t die she really meant that her soul would live on, after her physical body was gone.

The night of March 17 2006 Keren came into my bedroom and sat with me on my bed. She put her hand in mine and told me she loved me. I thought to myself maybe she is getting better, just maybe she will be herself again. I went to bed that night hoping with all my heart.

The next day Saturday March 18 I went to work for my 12-hour shift at 7 a.m. My Husband Steven came home from Night work at 8 am and went right to bed.

Shortly after 5 p.m., while I was still at
work my husband called me sobbing uncontrollably. I knew right away Keren had died and told him I will be right home. Dazed and in severe shock, I drove home.

As the news of Keren’s death spread through my circle of family and friends, my cell phone rang continuously. It was then that I realized I couldn’t understand what anyone was saying to me. I actually could not understand the English language. Everyone’s words sounded garbled and
unintelligible. Later I was told this was because I was in such severe shock.

I remember praying the entire way home, begging God to not let it be true. Although in my heart I knew it was so.

My last image of my beautiful daughter at home was the coroner putting my daughter already in a body bag in the hearse. With that reality, it finally hit me and I remember just falling on my knees and screaming and screaming.

Methamphetamine has long term effects, such as functional and molecular changes in the brain. It causes anxiety, confusion, insomnia, mood disturbances, and violent behavior.

Meth addicts also display a number of psychotic features, including paranoia, visual and auditory hallucinations, and delusions. Meth dealers cut the drug with various dangerous household chemicals like Drano and brick cleaner these chemicals also alter the brain.

After Keren’s death, I found her journal with this line written in very shaky handwriting:

“God if you are so powerful, why do you want me to do this? Why do I have to sacrifice myself to prove my love to you and save the world?”

It was dated March 18 2006 the day she died; this is the extent to which Meth destroyed a talented, rational young woman with a wonderful future. It turned her from a healthy young woman into a delusional and paranoid psychotic. A promising future came to a tragic end with suicide.

Everyone in Keren’s life was completely devastated by her death. No one knew the person Keren became as a result of taking Meth. Her loss is felt by
everyone who ever met her and shared her life. I will miss my daughter every minute of my life as her dad, brothers, family and friends will and I will always wonder how her life would have turned out had she not been introduced to meth.

Although my daughter’s cause of death is listed as suicide, Meth killed Keren as surely as a murderer with a gun in his hand.

by J R M

(Cincinnati, Ohio)

I am sitting here today as a true testimony that you can beat addiction through faith in God and changing your lifestyle. I was a young promising school teacher, husband, father of three beautiful kids, and son of caring and forgiving parents.
I had lived a life for a long time of drinking and drugging but one day of trying the drug of oxycontin, my life would change forever. I no longer needed to drink alcohol because I had found the greatest drug of all time and the things that I would do to get it were really deceitful and cruel things.

I lost three teaching jobs because of my inability to show up to work constantly cause without the drug i was not functional. I ran up over $ 140,000 worth of credit cards, i had over $10,000 worth of money lenders debts out and above all i was forced out of my house by my wife, who was fed up with my life of abyss. I think it’s safe to say my life had become unmanageable.

I started to use heroin cause it was cheaper and easier for me to get everyday. I had met a lady at my school who pulled me into my office and basically told me a story of how to get my life back.

This lady was an angel sent by God to help get me onto his path as well as get myself together. It was the hardest thing that i ever had to do, go into a rehab center for 9 months of my life.

I tried to leave several times and almost gave up a few times as well, however god would not deny me on my journey. I kept hearing don’t leave until the miracle happens and i thought what miracle? Well how about getting back my wife and three beautiful kids and another shot at doing what i love and that is teaching and helping kids.

I know i might not be the ideal person for a parent to want to teach their kid, but thats not for me or anyone else to judge. It’s gonna happen be it God’s will.

This addiction is a horrible thing to have to fight everyday and it’s not easy.

How many times have you heard one day at a time ? That is so true in my life cause I know if i let my guard down just once the devil will always attack me with bad thoughts and he always does, however the good Lord has redeemed me and i’m not about to turn my back on him again.

Here’s how I do it, I say “just for today, i’m not gonna use drugs today and worry about tomorrow later.”

Deny and Die every day when i wake up. Luke 9:23