by: Debbie Wicker

Dear HeavyHearted,

Watching someone you love destroy themselves with heroin addiction is unimaginable. Knowing that the disease of addiction is taking over your boyfriend and may kill him can be unbearable. You need to start protecting yourself and no allow him to take you down with him.

You did exactly the right thing by telling his family and allowing them to try to help him. You’ve also tried to get him to see how awful his addiction is and that he must go into treatment.

Your boyfriend, likely because of the addiction, has turned into an animal who you must protect yourself from. I would recommend you start going to Al-anon meetings immediately and start working the 12 steps. Working the steps helps us to understand ourselves and recognize the damage that our loved one’s addiction has caused in us.

You need to set a boundary with your boyfriend that says you will only see him when he goes in for treatment and then you have to try to sick to that boundary.

You should also consider getting some individual counseling support for yourself. I’m a Christian counselor and have worked with many women trying to extricate themselves from an abusive relationship. And make no mistake this relationship has become an abusive relationship which is only harming you.

Please get help and support for yourself and learn how to set appropriate boundaries with your boyfriend,

Debbie

by: HeavyHearted

Debbie,
Thank you for responding so quickly. Being in a relationship with someone for almost 2 years to phone calls going unanswered, to receiving a text that says “to never text them again”, has torn me apart at the seams.

Part of me knows I should walk away and pray that he gets clean one day; that this is not my problem and I cannot save him and the other part of me is sick knowing that he could die with his next injection or hit of heroin/crack cocaine. I still send emails or texts with one sentence reminding him to “TAKE HIS SUBOXONE”, however I don’t receive any replies whatsoever.

I’m afraid to go back over to his apartment because I do fear for my life that the crack whore dealer is there. I’m afraid she could carry a gun and shoot me if I showed up. So I can only text but I’m seeing that does no good.
I want to call but he doesn’t answer. I want to call and set my boundaries but I’m afraid the man I’ll leave a message for isn’t there…heroin has him.

Am I crazy for relentlessly sending texts/emails telling him that he has everything to live for: He’s 2 weeks away from graduating with his Teaching Degree, he wants to coach wrestling and has had offers from schools already wanting him to teach History and coach wrestling.

This man truly loved me and when he was not high he is the most loveable, sweet, kind and generous man I know…do I really walk away knowing that man is still in there behind the Heroin Hell he’s trapped in?

I did look up AL-ANON schedules for my area and might go but are they for people who are struggling with a loved one’s addiction to heroin/cocaine or are they for alcoholics?

My boyfriend/exboyfriend/acquaintance…(whoever he is to me now) does drink excessively, smokes pot constantly, I even found out he SELLS POT!, cycles on and off Steroids all of the time, gambles big money on Football, Basketball games and he’s been doing all of this on his Mom’s inheritance from last July.

I’m so afraid I’m never going to know what happens to him…that he’s never going to be clean enough and contact me. I guess I’m afraid of the unknown and don’t know what to do next.

I don’t want to sit around and wait but I hate sitting back wondering if he is alive or not.
You don’t know how cathartic this is to FINALLY talk with others who can understand and give good objective advice.

Am I crazy for even hoping he’ll come to his senses and get clean? Am I crazy for even trying to contact him about taking his suboxone? All advice is GREATLY appreciated.

HeavyHearted

by: Debbie Wicker

Dear HeavyHearted,

First, I agree that you should no longer go to his apartment because it may be dangerous for you and you must protect your own safety first.

Going to Al-anon will help you to decide what are appropriate boundaries in this situation because you don’t want to totally loose contact with him, but you also don’t want to risk your own safety or further enable his addictions. Al-anon has meetings for alcohol and drug related addictions and it will be an EXCELLENT support system for you once you find meetings that you are comfortable in.

I would also recommend that you make contact with his family again and try to work with them and an addiction treatment center to plan an intervention for your boyfriend. Interventions can set the boundaries going forward but can also keep the lines of communication open with him and his family.

There are positive actions that you can take but texting him constantly is probably not helpful for him and may be emotionally harmful for you.

Good Luck

Debbie

by: HeavyHearted

My boyfriend came to my house this a.m. after talking to him on the phone last night for 2 hours. He brought a 7 panel drug test with him. We made a deal that we would purchase it together and that I would pay for it. The box was not sealed in the cellophane wrap, the outside of the box had an expiration date of Aug 2015 but the inside of the box that encased the actual drug test had an expiration of December 2010. His test was clean with the exception of POT. I don’t understand how the kit could have two different expiration dates.

I feel he was trying to fool me. He wouldn’t show me any receipt where he bought it. Something is definitely not adding up. He wanted me to exonerate his good name as he called it to his family although he has a needle mark in his favorite foot where he shoots up. He said that it was a scratch…it was no scratch sad to say.

I texted a picture of the test showing he was clean to his family and explained about the test not being sealed, the expiration dates not matching. I told everything (for the most part) to his brother. My boyfriend turned on me and said to get out of his life. He said that I have sabotaged his life and ruined his good name. He doesn’t understand why I told his brother the truth and hell we’ve been going thru because of this for 22 months.

He said his sister is already calling him frantic and upset asking how can he do this to the family again. His brother hasn’t spoken to him on the phone all week and says that he will drive to his apartment and talk to him tomorrow. He told my boyfriend that he wanted answers.

I’m not sure what the family is or will do to try to save his life. They may not believe me but they have been through this before with him when he accidentally electrocuted himself while on a job 4 years ago. He was on heroin then. He ended up walking into a rehab but walked out after 2 weeks.

I don’t know if this is steroids doing this or the heroin. Usually when he does steroids he injects in his behind. Honest to God, I don’t know how he passed the drug test. I think it was not bought from a retailer. He would not answer why the crack cocaine dealer was at his house on Sunday. He said it is immaterial while she was there. He said we were broken up. (I didn’t know any of this).

Even though last night he texts me about a keyboard he bought me that doesn’t work and told me he will go and buy me a new one…then I get told to ‘get out of his life’? I don’t understand what kind of mental state this is?
Is he truly clean but turned into the devil reincarnate who does not know me anymore? Is this the steroids making him this uncontrollable or is this the crack/heroine making him act this way?
I did what you said and I texted him my boundaries after he took the drug test and said that we cannot see each other unless he is in a treatment program or rehab. That was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to tell him. I told him that I will always love him and prayed that God would hold him in the palm of his hands for the rest of his days. My heart is broken.

This was a terrible day to say the least. I pray I did the right thing about telling his family the truth regarding the addiction to heroin/crack/steroids. I think they may have already known about the pot…I’m not sure.

He made me feel so bad about telling his brother. He said that I’ve ruined his life. He now has to earn their trust back again and that I’ve caused his family unnecessary pain. That was not my intent.

My intent was to save his life. I could not keep his deathly secret any longer and could not have lived with myself if something bad happened to him. Even if he never talks to me again it would be the greatest gift to me if I found out that he came totally clean from the steroids/heroin/crack/pot and started living the life he deserves.

I feel like I sacrificed our love to save his life and to me that is what matters most: His life.

Any words of wisdom?

by: Debbie Wicker

Dear HeavyHearted,

Drug tests are commonly manipulated and you certainly cannot trust the results of this test. Why would YOU have to pay for the test, especially if it looked like it had been tampered with? Why couldn’t he buy it himself? Why is he so broke if he isn’t buying drugs?

The combination of drugs that he may be taking can cause a severe mental disturbance and psychosis. You need to protect yourself as you deal with him. He could become violent at any moment and take all of his problems out on you. PLEASE be careful as you deal with him.

I would NEVER allow him to come into your apartment without one of his family members with you. Your boyfriend is likely to keep getting emotionally much worse until he agrees to go into rehab and gets treatment.

If he wants to prove he is clean have him go to a doctor and take a hair follicle drug test. If those results come back clean then and only then can you believe him.

Hopefully you can help to save his life and his life is worth sacrificing your relationship. Keep communicating with his family and try work with an interventionist to plan a professional invention and get him into treatment.

Your boyfriend is in a life and death struggle, but you also need to protect and support yourself. Keep the boundaries in place, go to Al-anon, work with his family and plan an intervention.

Good Luck and may God Bless you and your boyfriend,

Debbie

by: HeavyHearted

3 days with him out of my life after I told the family. I guess I’ll never know if they did an intervention or not. It breaks my heart not to know but I guess all I can do is pray.

I pray for all of us who are affected by our loved ones who choose heroin addiction…any addiction for that matter.

I am reading some of these stories and a little part of me is thanking God that I had not married him yet because it could have really affected my career, my finances and I could have lost everything.

Even though I set boundaries with the now ex-boyfriend a part of me is hoping he calls to say he’s clean or just to contact me to talk, but he may have turned on me for good.

I keep asking myself did I do the right thing by telling his family? Why is this a hard pill to swallow? I keep flashing back to him telling me that I’ve ruined his life. I hope what that really means is that I ruined the Heroin addict’s life and not the man I love who is lost somewhere deep inside.

God Help Us All through this.

by: Debbie Wicker

Dear HeavyHearted,

Setting the boundaries as you have done is the best way to help your ex and also protect yourself from whatever self destructive behavior he chooses to engage in.

Hopefully, you’re getting the support you need at this most difficult and challenging time. Try to add some pleasurable activities to your week so that it allows you to distract yourself enough to stay calm and strong.

I will continue to pray for you and hope that you begin to move forward knowing you did everything possible to help but not hurt your ex.

Debbie