He admits the problem, but…
I’ve been with my husband for 7 years and tomorrow, married for 5. I knew about his drug use before we were together and accepted him because I know who he is and he was clean then for years.
We were remodeling a home and one night he didn’t come right home after finishing for the day. He just vanished. I called for hours and his phone went straight to VM. Finally I checked the bank account to see several withdrawals and immediately cancelled his ATM card.
It denied him at yet another attempt and he had no choice but to come home. I was awake waiting, not angry, just relieved he was back. He broke down and told me what he did. He relapsed when an old contact saw him and it was a death binge. He couldn’t get enough. I saved his life cancelling the card, he said. That was at the time the scariest moment of my life.
Years later, now, he’s using again. He lost his job in January due to a lay-off and that day was back at it. This time it’s different contacts. I had no idea (well I thought something was wrong) for 3 months. I opened our tablet one day while he was in town and his email accounts were open. I read them and saw communication from people he met on Craigslist. He was talking about getting them high and watching them have sex. He hadn’t done so, but plans were made and he gave them his number. I took photos of the emails and sent him one thru text.
He rushed home and first thing, got defensive about why was I reading his email. It was open and that gave me insight to his life. I think deep down he wanted me to see it. His nephew, who used with him and was ALWAYS at our house (hiding out with my husband in his workshop) knew. No one else. We talked for hours and of course I begged him to look at me and our life and explain how he can do this. I considered leaving right then but I couldn’t. I loved him too much. God help me, I still do.
He showed me all his stuff, the bags, pipes, etc and he even smoked a shard in front of me to show me how he’s almost the exact same guy before and after. So I asked him something he never expected. I said if it’s so great that you can’t lose it for us, let me have some. He didn’t like that at all because according to him, I’m perfect and beautiful and he couldn’t corrupt my life. But I said he was using anyway so let me try for myself.
Eventually I did try it. On or off it I’m no different and I don’t withdraw. He is constantly amazed at his “unicorn” wife who can’t seem to get addicted to it. But regardless of that, I want it out of our lives. He’s lately been saying he loves me but not in love with me, and has considered separating. We haven’t yet but who knows?
He still looks at me the same, sex is beyond amazing and we talk and laugh like best friends. But he don’t want to talk about us or recovery. I’m lost.