by dee

(jsa)

My husband and I have been together 7 years, married for 2. We have two kids aged 6 and 3 and he also has a 8/9 year old from a previous relationship.

When my oldest was 8 weeks old, I found out that my husband was using drugs – we have tried ecstasy together when we went clubbing but as soon as I was pregnant with my son I gave it up (tried it maybe twice after he was born again) when I found out about my husband I thought it was just the ecstasy usage and was like oops we’ve been caught, at the time we were living with my parents and my dad said he didn’t want him there anymore.

Long story short he apologized and he could stay. up until my oldest was 1yrs old, my husband continued using, he would not come home for days, spend all his money on the drugs and not care for us as a family, leave my son and I stranded etc. because we were living with my parents at the time I felt like it was my responsibility alone so I took out many loans for rent, food etc. when my son was 5 months old I discovered I was pregnant again in, because of our situation I (we) decided that I should have an abortion, I couldn’t face bringing another child into the world under those circumstances.

When my son was about 6 months old I attempted suicide, I just couldn’t live with all of the pain anymore. My husband would every time promise he would stop. I honestly don’t know if he ever did. When my oldest was a year, I again found myself pregnant, (very very stupid I know) because of the debt I had incurred I again felt that I couldn’t bring a child into the world, I had another abortion.

With my first abortion, my husband was with me, with the second he dropped me, was suppose to come back with food and came back at night when they wouldn’t let any body in or out of the place, so I went hungry that night.

A few months later he just said that was enough and from then on things were going good for us, we were spending more time together and being a family again. We would have the occasional argument, as I didn’t trust him, so I would freak when he was out with his friends.

Ever since we’ve been together I’ve probably seen my friends 2-3 times per year as they were not as close as his friends and whenever I went to my friends I have to take my kids with, he never does so to me its better staying home.

2 years after my oldest I landed up in hospital due to a kidney problem I have, I was there for 5 days, the night I was discharged, my second child was conceived. We were very happy. My second child was 3 days old when I found cocaine on my husband, the baby and I were sleeping in the room and he was “watching TV” I could sense something was funny and I asked to search his pockets. He said that it was someone else’s and his that they used the day before.

My daughter was 22 months old when I attempted my second suicide. The months leading up to it I could see my husband spiraling out of control again, I kept on asking him if he had a problem, if he needed help and he kept saying no.

One night he came home after being away for 4 days and he had no money etc. He was suppose to give me his share of expenses, as there were things I still had to pay, when I asked him if he had the money he said no, I totally freaked and starting swearing him and hitting him, he beat me and then told me to make him supper. I refused the supper and he made something to eat.

It was not the first time he beat me, he once beat me an I hurt my back after he found text messages on my phone between me and a co-worker-nothing happened between us but he was there for me and would listen to me during my husbands periods. Another time he fractured my shoulder blade and my hand was in a sIing for about a 2 weeks. There was also an incident where he took my cell phone and I refused to get out of the car, I told him my foot was outside and he couldn’t drive, he sped off causing me a bad injury as the wheel of the car dragged my foot, I was in surgery to fix that, although I still have the scars.

The night of my second suicide attempt I felt pretty guilty cause of my children and I asked him to take me to the hospital, he said it wasn’t because of him that I was feeling the way I did (I was feeling ill) and I should ask someone else to take me. The next morning I was still not well, as I had taken the entire bottle of pills, he took me to the hospital and I was in there for 2 days.

I asked him to leave because the kids were with and I didn’t want them to see and asked him to please bring me my pajamas and toiletries early the next morning, he came there the next day at about 3 o’clock, saying that he was busy.

I was discharged from the hospital but had to go to an clinic for 21 days for people who attempted suicide, all the while I had to fund transport costs, etc. my mom took my kids while I was in the clinic. I ended up staying for only 7 days. My doctor kept asking to see my husband and I told him but he never pitched. After being discharged from hospital I applied for divorce, I was discharged in May and my husband lost his job in August, also due to drugs, him not going to work etc.

He was booked into a rehab, he was there for 21 days and the day that he was discharged he was again missing, when I got home from work he was not there and his cell phone was off etc. I had to go to a friends wedding that weekend, he showed up the next day and gave some lame excuse that the cops picked him up cause his car license expired.

Fast forward he now didn’t have a job, I was the only one working so times were tough – for the 9 months that he wasn’t working we were struggling but the was not as much drama. He was at home spending time with us and it seemed as if the drug habit stopped although there were one or 2 occasions where he was gone, he got a job 2 months ago and the first month he was short paid so everything I had to pay and he’s salary barely covered the rent.

I was stressing as there were lots of things unpaid and applied for a loan, I got a loan and we decided that less then ten thousand of the loan was to fix up the car, and pay all my debts and the remainder was for the kids school, food and necessities. Doing calculations I transferred about $8200 to my husband and the car is still not fixed, I bough clothes, food, played the school etc and this month when he got paid that money was suppose to go into savings. Lo and behold when he got paid. he came back 2 days later and only had $2000 left. He texted me and said he was sorry and that I was his life support, I forgave him and we went on, 3 days later he again disappears on the Friday morning and comes back Saturday night. I just told him to leave, he said that I need to let him explain but I was so angry I told him to give the keys and leave.

It is now Monday and he hasn’t been to see the children, doesn’t ask about them, this after seeing your children 3 days ago?? I got a text from him asking if he can collect his cell phone charger and some clothes, I didn’t respond. He is also friends with 2 of my brother in laws, who are also quite heavily addicted to drugs but doesn’t see how that their friendship affects and influences his actions.

Sorry this is so long – here my question comes in:

How long will this continue?

I need advice as to what to do. The children love him dearly and cry when he’s not there, but he is also spiteful, it’s like we are a packaged deal, when I’m not with him, he won’t see the kids and I have to literally beg him to get them, he gets them and then promises them stuff and doesn’t deliver cause he never has money.

I do love him, but can’t be hurt time and time again. I really need the financial support as my salary just doesn’t cover it all. Please advice, before all the drugs we were always together, everyone knew, where he was I was and vice versa.

I love him, our kids love him but why is he not seeing this?? I’m ashamed to go to my family with this as I don’t want them to know it’s happening again and he’s family has never been supportive. I just don’t want to love this way any longer.

We have tried counseling before but neither of us I believe were honest enough. We don’t have a car right now so it will be difficult getting to and from. I just don’t know what to do anymore.