How I help my fiance get through his recovery without fighting?

by Stephanie
(Marshfield, WI USA)

My fiance is in a methadone treatment program, he was/is addicted to painkillers which led to a heroin addiction.

I don't know how to cope with it and to be strong for not only myself and our 2 young children but him as well. I am having a hard time dealing, I myself has never done drugs and I don't know what to do to be there for him and supportive of him trying to recover.

I need help, and guidance on trying to help him, guide him thru the addiction. He feels as if he has no one to be supportive of him. I want to be that person.

Comments for How I help my fiance get through his recovery without fighting?

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You both need a lot more support!
by: Debbie Wicker

Dear Stephanie,

From the little I know about the situation it sounds like you both need A LOT more support. Recovery from heroin addiction is an extremely difficult and complex problem and it's unlikely your finance can do it alone.

Methadone is a good solution but going to the clinic to get the dose is not fun and can be demoralizing.

Hopefully, your finance is going to a 12-step group like AA or NA and has a good sponsor. His sponsor should be there to support him and help him to work through his daily problems and issues; you can not do that.

You should find a good Al-anon meeting and find people who have been through what you are experiencing so they can give you support and advice. Rebuilding trust with him is going to take a long time and you need to be given enough time to do it.

I would also suggest that you and your finance attend Celebrate Recovery meetings together. Celebrate Recovery is held at churches and could help both you to recover from this traumatic experience. I found a CR meeting near you tomorrow night at:

Highland Community Church
1005 N. 28th Ave., Wausau, WI 54401

You both certainly need more support to avoid fighting and losing what you are trying to build together.

Good Luck,

Debbie
Be there when HE reaches out
by: mindy

My advice would be to wait until he reaches out for you and your help. It's a great step to leave the heroin and pills behind. It's a struggle every time their is a bad day, argument, anything that is negative or hurts to stay clean.

What I would try to do is pay attention and if you see him down or upset, try to remember the things you used to do that made you happy as a couple and family but you can't push him.

Make your voice heard for your family and you, you have to be strong, things will be said that are not meant I'm sure, and be there. That's most important....to know someone cares and is behind you...no matter what.

Son age 38
by: Anonymous

My son was addicted to pain medications several years ago went through therapy, and seems to be ok. But his ex-wife tells me he is still using. She rants about him and we don't even like each other... we have two grand boys 8 and 5 that they share..

He has been so secretive and I am always on top of him and suspicious because he has taken marijuana in the past..

My question is this.. he lives several states away and text messages never show emotions or what he is up to.. I am at the point I don't want to keep speculating... Should I let him live his life and hope he is in good hands?

It just seems lately his ex won't allow him to have the boys?
38 year old son hard to monitor when he lives two states away.
by: Debbie Wicker

Living two states away from a son, who may be drug addicted, is a difficult challenge. On one hand, you'd like to be supportive and believe he isn't using. But on the other, since his ex-wife says he is using and he is VERY secretive, it's very hard to trust that he is staying sober.

So, the first issue is deciding whether or not he's using and getting him help if he is. The second issue is helping him to maintain contact with his children. Those a two different issues and are both hard to deal with from a long way away. Can you go and visit your son for an extended period?

I would not "just let him live his life" because then he will likely loose contact with his boys which is VERY bad for all of them.

It sounds like you love your son and your grandchildren, so I would stay as involved as possible to help your son work through both of these issues. I would also try to engage him in candid non-judgmental conversations about what's going on in his life.

I would also recommend that you join Al-anon to learn the best approach to helping your son to avoid addiction.

Good Luck,

Debbie

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