I am a heroin addict.

by SLJ

I am a heroin addict. I have been an addict for almost 8 years. I used to live with my best friends in my early 20's and his father was a doctor and addicted to opiate pain killers and would prescribe them to his friends and split them with us.

This went on for 4 years, until his son, my best friend overdosed and died. He went to federal prison for 4 years for his sons death. I was devastated and felt guilty for contributing to his death. I had lost 3 of my best friends due to random accidents in a 5 year span and had a lot of hurt, guilt, and shame.

Shortly after the ordeal with the doctor, I had burnt most of my bridges with the exception of the love of my family and small group of friends who I grew up with and had not given up on me because they know the real me. But no one really wanted me around while I was indulging in my addiction.

At this point I had attended a rehab once and it was more like a resort. At this point I had no knowledge of what addiction, 12 steps, and the path to recovery really was. So this rehab was more of a learning experience for me and not so much a commitment. Well, I stayed quasi-clean for a few months and I was drinking bit nothing crazy. Alcohol has never been an issue for me, I would only drink casually, but I am aware in the end it all leads back around.

Well after walking the dangerous line of occasionally using but successfully functioning, I was driving home from work on a winding road, when a mentally challenged women stepped in front of my vehicle. Unfortunately, due to a car obstructing my view, I was unable to see her trying to cross. I hit her going 30MPH. I immediately slammed on my breaks and got out of my car to dial 911 but my body physically was unable to make the call due to shock. Fortunately, it was a heavily populated area and several people witnessed the event and had already called an ambulance.

In the mean time I was unable to move, finally after a few minute I was cognitive again and moved my vehicle out of the middle of the road and awaited the paramedic's, she was mangled in the middle of the road and I couldn't determine if she was alive or not.

To speed up the story, thank God she lived but spent 2 weeks in the ICU. I tried to contact the hospital but of course they could not release any specific info, so I left my name and number with the front desk and described the unique scenario and if the family had any questions please to contact me. I was cleared of any wrong doing and it was determined to be a freak accident. I wanted to go see her at the hospital because we found out her family was out to sue my family and me, and they were quite cut throat...I never had the opportunity to apologize and place myself at her feet.

This ended up leading me to a dark pit of despair and 5 day bender which resulted in a DUI. I was at the lowest point of my life. My parents had kicked me out, I was working but hardly functioning. I was staying on a co-workers couch.

I was at the edge of the cliff, dangling by a thread, I was seriously contemplating ending it all, I saw no hope. In that moment of darkness I realized I had 2 options. Give in to the depression and dark and give up or dig myself out of this deep deep deep hole I put myself in.

It would be a long hard stressful path but I didn't want the alternative, death. So I found a state funded 90 day program out of town and left 5 days later. It was an all male, not fancy, bunk style, not based on the 12-steps but was encouraged, but instead behavioral modification of sorts (think before you act, play it forward).

By the time I left after 90 days I was in the best shape of my life, had a completely new positive perspective on life, and was determined to stay clean. I had even decided to stay in town and move into a sober living house.

I apologize for what must have seemed like tangents above but this is what it all comes down to.

About 2 months after living in the sober house I met the love of my life. On our second date I told her everything, literally everything that I have explained above and more. I put it all out on the table. After explaining to her all of my past issues and current I gave her the opportunity to get out because I knew at some point my addiction will rear its ugly head. She said no she wanted to work it out and would be there for me.

Our life and relationship was bliss for two years. I stayed clean from opiates but at some point I started going through cravings so I told her and I went on Suboxone. After 2 years I asked her to marry me.

About three months after our engagement she asked me to get off my ADHD medications and Suboxone. I told her I didn't think it was a good idea but she really wanted me to because she felt like it was not a good idea to be on those medications due to me being an addict. About two months after that, I relapse severely on heroin. I have no idea why I decided to do heroin when I've never done it before.

I instantly started finding excuses to get out of the house so I could you use. When confronted with why I was leaving so much I made wild excuses up and she started to become suspicious, rightfully so. She asked me if I was using but I continuously said no.

She had told me if she ever found out I was using she would leave me flat, no exceptions, so in my mind there was no way she could find out. Unless she would come out and say look, if you are honest with me now and you are using we will work through this but she would never say that. In the past I wanted her to understand more about addiction, so I asked her to study online about the disease and what it is but she refused which really frustrated me because it made me feel like she didn't care and had already made up her mind and knew everything she would ever need to know.

Of course, I never planned on using for a long time but days turned into weeks, and weeks into 2-3 months. Money started becoming an issue, because before I started using I always took care of all the financial responsibilities, bills, dates etc. But now she was having to assist more than she was accustomed to, so resentment began to build. I had also taken a side promotion at work which ended up being a horrible decision due to the fact that it was a 33.33% pay cut. I did it in hopes that it would be more lucrative in the long run but it ended up being a dead end.

Her opinion of me started to shift I could see it happening. She was always so used to me playing "knight in shining armor" role but once I wasn't Mr. Flawless her feelings/opinion of me lowered, it broke my heart watching it happen and she didn't even know about the using as of yet.

I always took care of everything and never brought it to her attention or asked for praise. In the early stages of our relationship she had gone through extreme depression, anxiety, and the death of her mother. I was there for her, hands down no questions asked when ever she needed me and a lot of the time she wouldn't ask I would have to break down her walls, she was also very cruel but I know her heart and it wasn't intentional.

Well one fateful day, while I was asleep, she went through my phone and had seen text messages between my dealer and I. I awoke to being pegged in the back of the head by her cell phone (I understand this no joking manner but she couldn't throw to save her life but in that specific moment she was Tom Brady). Walked over to me and slammed her engagement ring in my hand and walked out. We never got back together and it has been 9 months.

This is my question, I realize I did wrong, there is no question to that, I lied and I should have been honest. I can't help but feel like I was abandoned..it is not like this is something we had gone through before, especially at this level. I had been there so many times for her when she needed it. But when I needed it she left and said she couldn't raise a family with a man like me, knowing I wanted that more than all things, it shattered my heart.

I just feel as if she could have done the research to learn more about the disease, tried to stick around and go to meetings together. Honestly before it happened I was in the process of reaching out for help and wanted to turn things around but none of that made a difference...am I crazy or not?

Should she possibly tried to stick around a little bit longer and give me a chance to do right? As I said before this is not something that had ever continually happened while dating...I just feel like she jumped ship the second things got "real" on my end and just because she was scared, completely gave up without even trying to give me an actual chance. Any feed back would be much appreciated! Again I apologize for the lengthy, drawn out, tangible, grammatical and structural errors!!

As an addict you can only imagine how much pain, shame, discouragement, self torture, and depression I have brought upon myself due to losing the greatest love of my life. I see all these comments listed like I'm leaving my addicted spouse and starting over.

Most of these stories it sounds like the non- addicted had gone through hell & back to try to help their loved one where mine, I don't feel like they really helped at all. So maybe they never really did love me and just found this as a perfect excuse to get out... Just a side thought..

Thanks for the open ears...SLJ

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