Losing Myself with My Innocence

by M.S.B.

(St. Louis, MO)

Here is a villanelle I wrote to help cope with my addiction. Today, I am 8 days clean, but it is taking a toll on me mentally, emotionally, and physically.

It feels like a voice is screaming in my head. I cannot concentrate on others or myself over the screaming. It keeps me up at night, spoils my appetite, and makes me shake with discomfort.

I know that time is the only long-term way to stop the screaming, so I just have to wait. In the meantime, I reflected as to what brought me to this point. I discovered that the drug changed me, and in the course of that change, I lost some of myself. I was too distracted by what I felt to notice it happening.

Now, dope-free, I stand at a crossroads of my life, even though I am not exactly sure how I got there. I need to accept my life as it is now, and maybe I can discover and recover those parts of myself that I lost. My childhood wonderment, innocence, and naivety however, can never be recovered…

I lost my innocence the other day,
I knew it was wrong, but the choice was mine,
Curiosity swept me up and away.

“Here ya go Margaret, whadda ya say?”
I was scared to cross the great needle line.
But my voice of reason took off that day.

My priorities changed that Saturday
It started to rain, when I lined into my vein
My essence, my light, faded away

The warm and fuzzy, much better than yay,
I felt I could die I felt so damn fine…
But, I’m still not ready… to die today.

Silent and still, never felt more okay
Hours I sit with my chair in recline
Absolutely nothing could move me away.

I entered a role, unwilling to play.
Life, joy, ambition, it took what was mine.
I ruined my life, on a normal day.
Now, the pain and want, will never go away.

Losing myself…

by: Lynette


Hi Margaret-
Thanks for sharing your story. Your poem was really good. I printed it.

I am a recovering alcoholic-I have not drank for 25 years. My son is a drug addict and he has been dealing with addiction for 13 years. He is now in jail and it is not the first time. He is saying he is really sick of that life now and wants to quit.

I know about the pain you spoke about. Addiction is a disease and it is not curable but if you do the right things you can be in recovery.

I strongly suggest that you go to Alcoholics Anonymous meetings or Narcotics Anonymous meetings. Also, you should try to get a drug and alcohol counselor. There is A LOT of help out there. I go to Al Anon, see a counselor, talk to my minister and see a physician assistant. Get all the support you can! It really helps.

I pray that the pain and want you talked about will be eased and that you continue to be clean and sober. -Lynette

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