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My climb from hell

by Joelle Marie

(Clark NJ USA)

Thank you for taking the time to read this This is my message of strength and hope! my wish is that you will find inspiration and hope and better understand me!

I am not a perfect girl… The journey that I have taken in life has not been easy… I’ve lived a life of love.. Loss… Happiness… Sorrow.. Destruction.. And pain… I’ve walked through hell.. Seen and have done things that occur only in nightmares… I’ve held hands with Satan himself and fought sweat blood and tears to climb my way up…

I was a victim of a cruel act at a young age and my life was changed for good… I’ve been through loss of family.. Best friends and relationships.. I was abandoned by far too many and have grieved over loss of loved ones most of my life… Most of all… After having what should’ve been the better part of a childhood torn away from me – my innocence stolen – and the start of a life long nightmare along with everlasting pain and horrifying memories that will forever haunt me … I’ve grieved the loss of myself !!

And from that moment I learned what true real evil was… What real pain felt like… And what it is like to lose your childhood and deal with a terrifying painful and haunting secret that I kept to myself for years….

I’ve been through an addiction that took away 10 years of my life…… I became a horrific storm that left nothing but mayhem destruction and pain behind… And those who truly care and love me are those who stuck by my side no matter what… These are the people who walk beside me.. Who wipe away my tears… Hold me up when i am week and can’t do it alone… Who give me strength for another day and love me when I can’t love myself…

I’ve been betrayed by many most of my adult life and I have a difficult time trusting anyone…
I have only recently been truly able to feel pure love from Joe again… That love I felt when we were 19… I had forgotten what true pure love felt like… Now when I see him the world gets brighter… I can feel our love when he wraps me in his arms and holds me close in his warm embrace… I see fireworks when he kisses me and everything becomes true perfection…. And the best thing is when we are together and are in each others arms – looking into each other’s eyes…

Everything around us fades away and it’s him and me – together as one – with a love stronger than steel! And our relationship is far from perfect and we argue and bicker a lot… But I wouldn’t have it any other way…

It’s rare that one finds their soul mate… The counterpart of each other and the person God has placed on this earth for you to love… We were brought to each other and back to each other time and time again… And through it all our love has never broken and all we still stand together as one and always will… And that definitely counts for something…

And together we created the best thing that could happen to the both of us… our perfect little miracle baby… Samantha Grace… Our little miracle sent from God… She changed and saved our lives and gives us more joy, love, and happiness than we could ever put into words… And it kills me to know that there was a time that she deserved better… And if I couldn’t get myself together and clean my life up – I would’ve had to walk away so my daughter didn’t experience the destruction and misery I could’ve caused her… I couldn’t allow myself to destroy my angel… My gift from God… A miracle that beat the odds…

But today I am proud of the mother that I am… I know that Sammi will have nothing less than a life full of love and happiness that I know now I can give her… Never will she feel one ounce of hurt or pain… She will never have to be ashamed or disappointed in her mother… Most importantly Samantha will never have to question or wonder if I love her or why drugs were more important than her…

Samantha is my happiness… She is my high… When she smiles she lights up the world… Her beautiful blue eyes glisten like the stars… Nothing can compare to her mesmerizing unflawed beauty… She is as pure as an untouched blanket of snow…. She is gentle – loving – and so smart… Her personality is something out of this world – and her laugh could light up a room… I was blessed to have such a perfect little girl and I took it for granted for far to long and will never take it for granted again…

In 27 years I have tested the waters and can’t count how many times I truly should’ve died… An angel has always been by my side breathing life into me when the odds were beyond against my survival… And in the insanity of my life and the whirlwind of my painful torturous existence after every chance I was given – I cocked the gun and pulled the trigger one more time… And like an act out of a magic show I had beaten death again… But now that game of roulette with my life has become to fatal and to dangerous for me to play any more and it has to end… I no longer have to survive to just be… I have a daughter to live for… And she needs her mommy for the rest of my life… And for her that needs to be a long life… I’ve uncocked the trigger and put the gun away… Buried it in the deepest darkest depths of the earth…

I’m judged on a daily basis for the choices that I’ve made and the wrong that I have done and I’m ok with that… I know how far I’ve come… Because it wasn’t too long ago that I only knew how to live day by day only caring about how I was going to avoid withdrawals… not too long ago… I walked around 93 pounds:… Arms torn up… Skin as pale as a corpse… I was hospitalized for staff infections that almost killed me… Died for 7 minutes from an overdose… I have permanently harmed my heart and my kidneys… I stopped caring about life or living at all… The world was black and white and I was as cold as the arctic…

Today I can see a light in everything… I can see the beauty of a moonlit sky… I gaze at the stars and I know those are my angels shining down… I can feel the warmth and comfort of a breeze as my angels embrace and presence assuring me they are there…

I am me… And I will never again become the girl who hopes prays at night that I don’t wake up… I’ll never again be the girl who only sees the world in black and white… No one and noting will ever fade the colors in my world again… I will never again risk my daughter loosing her mommy!!

And after it all…looking back on my life I wouldn’t change a thing… Because through it all… The pain… the tears… the heartache… the destruction… the betrayal… the loss… the bitter hate… And the endless battle that I continue to fight each day… I have become a woman who stands strong today… A woman of dignity and grace.. A woman I never dreamed I could be… I can admit my wrongs and learn from them… I’ve learned who I can trust and I’ve learned love… I’ve learned that pain is only temporary… And after every storm the sun will shine again… and there is always something to be learned and a way to grow from all the pain I endure…. And that only when it’s dark enough can you truly see the stars!!

There have been so many who have helped me become the person I am… Thank you for loving and caring for me at my worst walking beside me through the darkness and being my light when I didn’t think there was hope to be found! Thank you for the lessons and the wise words for thought and inspiration… above all – thank you for seeing through my masks and and loving the true ME!!

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and Finally Remember:

“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened.”
– Matthew 7:7-8

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