by Jasmine

(Australia)

My mother gave birth to me at 19, she was already using heroin, speed, weed, prescription pills, the lot. Therefore, when I was born I immediately went into withdrawals and had an agonizing first 3 months of life.

My dad was a truck driver who was unlucky enough to give her a ride. He is a good man, their affair never went further than about a week but he continued to pay child support up until I was 18. I have met him twice as he lives interstate and has a wife and 2 other girls.

My grandmother (THANKFULLY) took me off my mother at 7 months old, fought her in court and won full custody of me (Mum wasn’t at the hearing, she was stoned).
However I have always had regular contact with my mother, and every memory of her up until 18 (when she finally got clean) is of her being so drugged up that she would fall asleep anywhere; driving (had at least 15 car accidents – some with me in the car), out in public, she once fell asleep in her driveway after bending down to find her keys in her handbag and I found her half an hour later.

It was disgusting, the pin-prick pupils and chatty brown rings around her mouth from constant dribbling because she was just so stoned ALL the time. I saw her inject many times, saw her overdose, witnessed so many fights and unsuccessful relationships, I have seen my mum bashed, been hit myself by one of her junkie boyfriends…it was never ending – and I didn’t even live with her!

She was a prostitute for about 15 years (started when I was about 2) which just fueled the addiction because of the environment. She has served 6 different jail terms related to theft – to support her habit.

But anyway – I’m used to that. That’s the card I was dealt and I’ve had 21 years to stew on it. My main issue is how this whole situation is manifesting itself in me.
Up until about 15 I was pretty good, then I started smoking weed and shoplifting, I have never been in trouble with the law. At 18 I got a boyfriend who introduced and subsequently got me addicted to speed. We broke up about 3 months ago and I have not touched speed, but have moved onto Meth and am taking heaps of valium, xanax and sedatives to sleep at night.

I try to maintain my daily life I go to work 9-5 I have a respectable job but my head is constantly in crisis. I have identity problems – I don’t know who I am or how I feel or what I want. It’s a constant battle inside my head to keep doing drugs until I feel I have a problem (I honestly don’t at the moment, just recently started getting into meth) or to avoid it altogether and live a clean life.

I’m also promiscuous – I’ve had sex with strangers, friends boyfriends more than once, I am currently sleeping with one at the moment.

I’ve been prescribed anxiety/depression meds but would rather get my head fixed than rely on them because withdrawal from them is worse than speed and meth combined!

Somebody just comment, suggestions, guidance, advice, similar experiences, anything will help me get my head around my life and perhaps help me sort through my issues.

Everyone says they are so proud because I finished school, did uni, now working full time but if only they knew how hard I am fighting to NOT follow in my mother’s footsteps…