Am I doing the right thing? My husband is codependent and my step son is an alcoholic. My step son has been in my life since he was 10 yrs old…he is now 25.
He just recently received his third DUI and my husband continues to enable him over and over… I have tried to put down rules and boundaries down for years and they are consistently broken… I’m told by my husband…”Just lay off him”.
My step son received his first DUI at 15, second at 19 and 3rd at 25. The first one was pretty much swept under the rug; the second was 4yr deferred adjudication, and the third is currently is being filed as a misdemeanor, because he made it through the deferred sentence phase. But he hasn’t gone to court.
First DUI: Received at 15. Only had a drivers permit and was still allowed to drive by his father without a license. Some how managed to still get a DL at 16… (The Good Ol’ Boy system).
He would got to the bars and get drunk and go bar hopping and forget where he left his car and the next night would get a car from used car lot and take it and to the same…
At one point he had 4 different cars out. So I went went to every bar in our small town with his Senior Picture and notified them that he wasn’t old enough to drink and shouldn’t be allowed to enter. I was laughed at! and It became a big joke. No one took me serious.
The Second DUI: He moves out of the house at 19 for about 9 months, can’t manage his money, but his dad bailed him out every single time. By this time is when I started seeing the signs of true dependency on alcohol… the shakes. Just totally out of control.
He moves back home a year later, and has been back home since he was 20. He wets his bed, comes home so drunk he can hardly walk and he doesn’t even remember the next day..
He had a great job, making 50K a yr with only a HS diploma. He had moved up the ranks in from fry cook to boss pit; with the same employer since he was 16, and when he turned 24… he was fired for not showing up.
His dad tells him that everyone will lay off if he just goes to college full time… He enrolls in the Spring of 2011 completes 18 hrs with a 2.25 (mostly on-line class) Tells his dad he needs a break for the summer… Spends the summer at the lake living in the camper drinking with friends.
Fall 2011 enrolls in another 18 hrs…and continues staying in the camper, but decides to move home when it gets cold… Tells us he is going to classes… but he only did his on-line class… makes a.05 for the fall semester. Basically flunks out of college.
The Third DUI: He starts working for his father selling cars and doing paperwork for $200 a week… but only shows up when he wants to.. DUI Eve of Christmas Eve. Blows a .24 goes to jail gets out the next day… and I want to lay down rules and boundaries.. I set some rules.. Girlfriend can’t move in and must look for full-time employment, besides working 4 hrs a day for your dad.
Girlfriend continues staying and I tell my step son, that the over night stays need to be limited and that i did not approve of it and if they wanted to shack up they needed to do so under their own roof, that we all need to sit down and discuss as a family how many times a week and that notification must be provided prior to having over night guests. He tells his father that I said he had to move out…
My husband comes home mad and asks why I said his son had to move out.. I told him I didn’t.. That we all need to discus as a family. My husband tells me he will be loyal to his son until the end.. I have never asked him not to be loyal I have asked that the enabling stop.
I never asked him to choose between us.. I never would. I get threatened with divorce and tells me I need to move out.. All I wanted is that we all sit down and discuss expectations of all parties living in the house.
I’m either looked at as not loving him or being demanding. There are so many stories about all the things he has done while on alcohol and my husbands enabling ways; it makes me so sad.. It’s tearing my family apart. My husband is a great man and I know he loves his son.. but he can’t seem to see through the fog of the problems alcoholism is causing us.
QUESTION: So do I leave the Enabler and Alcoholic or do I stay and continue to fight to save them both! This totally SUCKS! I hate that this is how my life has become 10 yrs of nothing but one big cluster of dysfunction.