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It took my soul.

by Lauren
(Palmyra, NY)

Listen..i cant go into my whole story about how I became addicted..because im just not in the mood to be judged. I WILL however tell how it completely changed my entire life and mood and brain. I went from being scared to finish my 1 bag I would go cop with the person who got me into the life...to dragging him with me so I can go cop 8 bags a day.

I would drive about 45 mins or close to a 2 hours everyday to get my dope. In the most dangerous part of NJ..Camden. Within the matter of weeks I knew all the spots, who to look for..and where to spy the cops. I was a full blown heroin addict but held a full-time Certified Nurse Aide job...only reason was because I'd be high as a effing bird when I'd be taking care of my residents. I'd go in the bathroom first after I clocked in and did a bag..left the bathroom feeling like 100000 bucks and would happily do everything anybody asked me. Only because I had 8 bags of dope underneath my cellphone case..so I always had it on me cuz I always kept my phone on me.

I left a bag in the bathroom one day at work..and a nurse asked me if it was mine cuz she found it right after I left the bathroom. Of course..us drug addicts can lie our way out of any situation. I came out good nobody asked anything else.

But there was no hiding it..i got skinnier and more pale every week. When I couldn't cop...omg...talk about the most bottomless heartbreaking feeling ever ...like you can't find your missing child. I stole from my grandma...stole from my residents I was caring for...i completely changed in only about a 2 months. The crazy thing ...I never shot up one time. I only snorted.

When I was alone and dopeless...I'd call out of work...or if I was at work..I'd act crazy. Sometimes leaving work without telling anybody so I could drive 45 mins away to Camden and get the stuff...come back a whole new person.

90$ a day. sometimes 100$ a day..so..80 dollars a week..7 times 80...what's that like 560?? all I know is I would get paid Wednesday...and be broke 5 days later. I got paid 11.55 a hours too.

My best days to me back in my addiction was to be alone with 8 bags of dope and watch tv. My rock bottom...I couldn't find the dude that would cop with me cuz im a white girl runnin around the hood..the cops would for sure run down on me. I had to get the dude that got me into this life to get it for me...he had a sick obsessive with me...so the addiction I had he had to help me with supplying me which he LOVED.

I had to put up with his sexual comments and stuff like that...I let it slide cuz he was getting me my dope. BUT one day...i couldn't find him...so I went myself. I ran outta my house stole my bf last 40$ and my grandpas 20$...drove to the set WITH NO SHOES ON and walked up and down the block. Got my dope..went home.

3 hours later..i was in a 60 day rehab in Indiana. I got out...went and used 3 days later...got arrested in North Camden for failure to hand out a cds to police AND prostitution cuz I was a white girl with a big butt coming outta a dope house in the hood.

Cops treat white people like crap in the hood. I mean I'm sure they do it to the black people too..but damn...they talked to me like I was a piece of crap on the bottom of a rock.

EVERYDAY was a struggle to get money and get dope. The best feeling though was when you get your dope..and your GOOD for the day. THEN you tell yourself..That's it..no more..I'm sick of this. lol that's a lie..you go right back out after your self lecture...which is bull.

SO then I had to go to another rehab in California for 35 days to help with my charges. They took my CNA license away..they put me on the vivatrol shot down there..and I couldn't WAIT for it to wear off..i lied to my mom when she took me to get it again. I told the doctor I was dirty I can't get the shot. So..i had to wait another 2 weeks and the 1st shot I got in ca finally wore off...and I was BACK to the races.

Man..its so much more to this story. Basically what I'm trying to say...is that heroin will make you into a person you wouldn't even believe could exist. 6 months of using after coming home...people thought I was one the shot..which was a lie cuz us addicts lie lie lie..i was so full of crap.

Using everyday and when your whole goal is to get dope everyday...that's your routine. You do you hair..take a shower.. look good...dress in your cute jeans or a nice shirt to go cop and chill and snort dope..of course that's the 2nd relapse...i knew if I was gonna keep going on and on like I did before I went to my first rehab to Florida...

I was looking like a 110 pound dope head. my hair greasy and I worse a robe and slippers to drive to the sets. God...you think your the crap too..you think your going to be just fine once you get your bundle.

PLEASE guys..its a never ending cycle. NEVER ending. If you don't want help...you're going to die or your going to get eattin alive by the streets and be just another dope fiend even though YOU'RE SO MUCH MORE THEN A DOPE FIEND. IT'S NOT YOU...ITS THE DRUG. I'm not on vivatrol for real this time.. and taking it seriously. guess what...the person who you think is your friend...helpin you cop...they don't CARE ABOUT YOU. They care about what you care about cuz it's the only thing they care about too..DOPE.

STAY AWAY, WHEN IT GRABS YOU..IT GRABS YOUR SOUL. I have a record now and I finally am getting my life a little bit back together but its only because the Vivatrol shot...if I never got it..I'd be on the street. No doubt. You would saw me in down town Camden. Or..robbing my dad or moms house. Its NO JOKE. I'm 24 and a very nice girl.

YOU think your a functional addict..and you can be in the starting of it all..and maybe in the middle..but wen you don't have that drug to keep you functional..Your a MESS. oh..and withdraw from heroin cold turkey...LOL YOU DON'T WANT IT BABY. YOU DON'T WANT THAT WORK. THAT WILL MAKE A GROWN MAN DROP TO THEIR KNEES AND PRAY TO THE LORD TO TAKE HIS LIFE. IT IS UNLIKE ANY OTHER SICKNESS ON EARTH.

Anybody who needs any help or information on Vivatrol..PLEASE PLEASE I'd love to help. I been thru A LOT with this drug..i can't type it all. Thanks for reading.

Have a blessed CLEAN and sober day..it does suck in the starting of being sober..but please think about Vivatrol if your serious about recovery.
Thank you!!!

Comments for It took my soul.

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You go girl!
by: Debbie Wicker

Dear Lauren,

It sounds like you have been to hell and back and are now trying to get your soul back. You can do it... although I know it is REALLY hard!

I really appreciate that you are willing to tell us your story to encourage us to stay away from heroin. Your care for others and the truthful way you are seeing yourself should help you to learn how to stay clean.

You sound like a great person who has so much to give and the potential for a wonderful life without drugs. Keep it up and I know you can beat this terrible addiction that got a hold on you!

Debbie

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