by Vanessa

(Connecticut)

My name is Vanessa and I would like to share my story to hopefully be able to inspire others to get the help they need or to stay clean; People often times don’t take me seriously at NA/AA because compared to most people there I’m a baby and no one every understands I was up to about a bundle at the least a day(ten bags.) The way they treat me is understandable but quite frankly its very annoying.
Anyway, here is my story… I had a messed up childhood. Ever since I could remember my family was as messed up as I was; my dad was an abusive pill-head and alcoholic and would regularly beat the crap out of us. With a family member who is a fiend you also never have money for even the basic things, food, bills, etc.

Anyway, my mom finally got tired of the abuse and left my dad and got in a relationship with my dad’s best friend. Awful! So at 11 years old I moved in with my mom and her new boyfriend, going a year without talking to my dad. My mom then got sick from a rare disease called pulmonary fibrosis, which is basically lung cancer and slowly passed away.

I had nowhere to live and had to move in with my dad who I grew to hate and wanted nothing to do with. But I was homeless, what the heck are you supposed to do at age 12? Anyway, my dad lived with my brother who was also a pill-addict. I grew up idolizing the lifestyle and thought it was just what grownups do. Like most kids I only wanted to be grown up and mature and I wanted attention from my “family” so I started using pills at age fourteen and by age fifteen I had my first experience with heroin.

I had never felt anything so amazing, I knew as soon as I felt that heaviness in the back of my head and the complete happiness and relaxation that this was it. I loved heroin. I knew it was a hard drug but what the heck, it’s cheaper than oxys and I got twice as high.

So there you have it; I had become a fifteen year old heroin addict. One thing leads to another and I was booting up dope at age 15, reusing and sharing needles. I needed it everyday to feel normal, I needed it to be okay. And finally my family was paying attention to me, what I wanted more than anything my whole life.

My dad and brother begged me to get clean, but come on get clean for the same people that my whole life would never get clean for me? Forget that. Like you could imagine, a fifteen year old heroin addict has no job and definitely getting no money from my brother or dad so I did whatever I had to do so I wasn’t sick and I had my fix.

I would sell weed to kids at school (that’s all the kids at school would touch at the time.) but occasionally I would sell “coke” to kids at school, which would really be random stuff I found in my cupboard and since I knew they had never tried it and where only doing it to be cool I’d make money off them and they’d convince themselves they were high, it was the new thing for these retards and I was their dealer.

I’d also steal kids ipods, phones, money and whatever else I could get my hands on. Needless to say the pawnshop knew my name. I broke into a few houses and made away with 3 laptops, 2 tv’s and jewelry and a bunch of other stuff.

Luckily for me I only got arrested once for breaking and entering and possession of drug paraphernalia. Now I never fit in with kids my age, I always was with my brother (who is 5 yrs older than me.) and his friends who where the seniors in high school or already graduated so everyone always thought I was cool for it, meanwhile I was an idiot and throwing my life away.

But soon enough it wasn’t enough, You can only make so much off other high school age kids, and I soon started selling myself to older men for either dope or money to get dope. It was an everyday habit. I had regular customers and I would do whatever they wanted. Threesomes, Foursomes, didn’t matter. You can give me what I want; I’ll give you what you want. I always hated it and it was the only thing that I would do that I would feel bad for.

Numerous times it ended in a rape situation where I’d get my ass kicked and then get nothing out of it. At the time I really didn’t realize how bad I’ve let things become until one day I came home from picking up and the boy I was completely in love with, what friends I had left and my dad and brother where all sitting on the couch waiting for me, few of them where crying.

It was embarrassing and awkward for me, I looked like hell- hadn’t changed my clothes in a week, no makeup and unwashed hair and a black eye.. Not exactly how I wanted these specific people to see me. I knew what they were gonna say; they were going to sit and yell at me about how I need to clean up my act.

I was wrong. They cried and told me how young and beautiful I was and how much they cared for me and need me to get better before I’m dead. They told me that my dad was taking me to a detox center in Carmel NY, called Arms Akers. If I didn’t agree to get in the car and go right now that they would call the police and have them arrest me for being under the influence of a schedule one narcotic and I would violate probation right there.

I cried and tried to sympathize my way out of it and make myself seem less of a bad person so I wouldn’t have to go- didn’t work. To Arms Akers I went. Not going to talk about the detoxing part- It was hell. That’s it, indescribable pain and misery. Wouldn’t wish it on anyone in this world.

I came home and I really didn’t know if I had the strength to be clean living with two other fiends and living in the same small town where I had such a bad reputation and so many triggers and memories that would make me relapse, I wanted sobriety so bad. Not only wanted it but needed it.

So luckily for me I have family in Virginia. My aunt down there called me and said she talked to my father and wanted me to know if she could fly me out for a few weeks to get away. Of course I went, I needed to get away and be happy. Sobriety is beautiful and I knew it. I went, I loved it. Nobody knew me I was a normal girl again.

She offered to let me move in under one condition; I went back to school and graduated. Only missing one year of school I agreed. That’s where I am now. I’m 3 months clean. I’m starting school next week and I feel better than ever. I’m still picking up the piece of the things I’ve done and I feel so disgusted thinking back to the things I did to get a fix and the people I hurt but I know that it’s in the past. I just now turned sixteen and I’m studying to get my driving permit.

I know it’s hard to get clean, really VERY hard. But if you can go through the pain and hardship of addiction, you can handle sobriety. It’s cheaper and you get a whole lot more out of it. I thank God everyday that I stopped before I was too late, Arms Akers didn’t believe me when I told them the amounts I was doing at first they told me there was no way I didn’t OD.

But you build up a tolerance and I naturally had a decent tolerance for the stuff. I thank Jesus that I got the second chance that I did. There are times when I sit and cry and think about how much I want to get high. Like now for example but I have to tuff it out and go to meetings, when no meetings are going on at the time I go on websites like this to help get through it. When day-by-day is impossible, think hour-by-hour or even minute by minute. Sobriety is such a wonderful thing and if anyone on this website needs to talk my email is vmn[email protected] I’d love to help anyone out. Thanks for reading this.

“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. Amen.” Remember guys your worth it, you wouldn’t be alive right now if you weren’t worth it. Regardless of what you’ve done or what anyone may think. You’re worth it.