(So Cali)

I’m the poster child for functioning addicts…. Not a sole but me and my ‘supplier’ know what I put my body through……

It all started in 2002 when I had back surgery @ 22yrs old….. What follows surgeries? Pain pills…. I was hooked for 2 years thereafter….. Moved outta state and was forced to stop, not by my choice, went through 2 weeks of w/drawls, week 1 was the worst, but I made it….. Stayed clean for 2/3 yrs till I met the wrong people who had the right ‘connections’.

It took me only a month to build a tolerance of like 120mg of oxy at one usage, & even then I never got that same high as before……. I was again under the control of opiates…

Long story short, it caused me to lose my man, my dog, my perfect life him and I made for ourselves out in HI…..’& all the while, he had NO CLUE I was using….

I felt & still do like I can hide my using from anyone, it’s like my one ‘super-power’ I guess… Lame, but I have a users mind n don’t think like a normal person……

I left Hawaii, came back to mainland, got clean b4 I came here to CA, stayed clean for a year…. Then, I was having a smoke outside a liquor store & saw a deal go down right in front of my eyes….. Saw the transaction of the money & the box of smokes that contained the goods……

I can’t describe the way I felt other than excitement…. I had a few mins to think of how to approach the guy, he was younger/my age kinda cute, TONS of tats….. Even on his head! Looked like a white gang-banger !! On his was back to his car, I spit out something asking him if the tats on his head hurt, just to feel out his reaction…. I got a good vibe, so, just as he was getting in his car, I called him over to me, & was straight up with him and asked what he can get!

Omg, I can’t believe I did that, but I did…. So when he asked what I was looking for, I told him, he was able to get it, pills of course, he then mentioned that he always had ‘Heroin’ and it was way cheaper…… Just the name heroin freaked me out (@ that point anyways) so I picked up pills from him for a while, till he couldn’t get them as easily, well I needed anything so I wouldn’t get dopesick, I caved in & got Heroin, I was terrified to try it, I called the guy n asked him a million questions on how much/& how to take it…… Oneness up snorting a line……

Wow, was the SAME as pills, just a lot cheaper …… So yea, I used H for a month or so until my guy fell off the face of the earth… Idk what happened to him (glad he vanished tho) so for the next few months I was clean n happy/sober ……

Then, I was introduced to what I call ‘The Devil in White’…….. Yup, total 180• from downers/opiates…… I wasn’t too sure bout cocaine at first, & I didn’t really feel the full effects the first time I tried it….. But the 2ndt time, it was love……. Well, not was… IS <3...... if I had the means, I would be on a non-stop 24/7 binge...... Did a full week of binging every night recently, I was literally awake from a Sunday night, until that friday , 5 days…. Omg…. But, being the functioning addict I am, no one had a clue…… Its like hiding my problem is the one thing outside of my job that I’m a pro at…… I don’t wanna quit, but I know I need to,, I can’t do this to myself…… Anyone else in same boat????

Functioning or Just Hiding?

by: Ned Wicker

If you don’t get caught is it ok to do something that’s wrong? Functioning addicts should know this philosophical question well. But have you gotten away with it over the years?

Where are the relationships with people, those meaningful connections that enrich life and make getting up in the morning worth while?

You have been hiding it all these years, yet it is a top of mind topic for you. If you believe you need to quit, or if you want to quit, get some help and don’t try to hide the truth. You may be good at deceiving, but are you good at truth?

Something tells me you’ll do fine if you’re open and honest. Don’t be afraid to come into the sunshine.

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