How my addiction is affecting my life today

by Hope Taylor

(Buhl Idaho )

Who am I
By: Hope Taylor
May 22, 2015

Who am I you ask? What did I do in my past that has been affecting my life and choices I make in my daily life? Well to be honest, I am an addict. I am the perfect example of addiction. I am my choices, my fears, my thoughts, behaviors, and actions. Addiction affects people in their present lives in different ways. This is how my addiction is affecting me in my life today.

Sometimes I make different choices as to deter myself from addictive behaviors. Other times I make the same choices because that’s all I know, because my addiction pushes me towards those choices. My addiction is also what leads me to think it’s okay to make the old choices. I am in treatment today to keep me vigilant about making good choices and not bad.

Everyday I wake up next to the same loving and caring man. I am grateful now to have this kind of relationship with someone who loves me unconditionally. Today I look forward to the next, I want to see what my future, I want to live, and explore life. When I go to sleep that night, I sleep with the same man, and wake up with him again. If tomorrow, for some unknown reason, I decided to start using again I would loose everything that I have worked so hard for in my life today. This is why I make the choice everyday that I wake up to stay sober.

Today, my addiction affects the places I go, the people I see, and the things I do. I won’t go into Poindexters because I used to go and buy drugs from there. Even just passing buy makes me remember old times. I have to find another route to where I need to go because the affect it has on me is horrible. If I see someone in the store I had used with in the past I have to turn and walk the other way. When I see them I so badly want to run up and say hi. This is the kind of addictive thinking that I am talking about when I say: my addiction is what leads me to think it is okay to make old choices.

Lately, I have had to stop watching certain movies and TV shows like Sons Of Anarchy. This being my favorite and I hate not being able to watch it. However, when I see the drugs being used it makes me want to go out and get high. This is obviously a bad consequence that is from my addiction and how it is affecting me and my life today. Other things in my life I appreciate like the nausea I feel when I am laying down in my bed and I smell meth. I know it sounds weird, but I have come to hate the smell. I feel this is a good thing because now smelling that scent makes me not want to use.

My feelings about drugs and my addiction have changed many times over the years. Now I feel guilty about the way I have treated people when I start thinking about it. I have many regrets now that I didn’t have before. In my treatment, I am learning to forgive people, to let go of my grudges, and resentments. I feel like screaming because the things I dream about at night. I wake up terrified because I feel guilty about using, even though I know in my heart I didn’t do anything wrong. I like to do things with other people. I go out to the farm and help Shane with moving pipe and tending to the Llamas. This is the furthest I have ever been from addiction in the last sixteen years. I am grateful that this is an opportunity that I can actually enjoy. This is one of the things I look forward to.

I feel that my addiction contributes everyday to the person I am and the woman I will become. It is because of the things I have learned presently that I can live a life that does not include constantly thinking of using, dreaming of using, which I do almost every night. Right at this moment I am unable to do things that I want to do, however with time, recovery, and help I will be able to accomplish my goals. When I was using I took it to a whole new level. Today I am taking how my addiction is affecting my life in a new way. I am not as quick to think it’s okay to jump to the bad things because my addictive thinking says it’s okay. I can actually say that my addiction is making a positive affect on my life today. I say this because I do not believe I would be the person I am right now, if I hadn’t been the person I was then.

So, even though I feel guilty, am fearful of using again, and I am angry about some of the things I do today. I am able to make the correct choices to change and become a better person. I have made many wrong choices in my past because of my addiction, and many wrong choices today because of my addiction. However, now I am learning and growing, I am becoming more aware of my addiction and how it is affecting me today.

and Finally Remember:

“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened.”
– Matthew 7:7-8

Recent Articles

• 
  
  

1. Opiate Rehab?

   Jun 10, 17 09:35 AM

   How long should a spouse separate from an addicted spouse when they are in outpatient rehab..I have been told one month. My husband is not happy, nor

   Read More

2. Husband shooting me up with ecstasy?

   Jun 09, 17 09:14 AM

   How can I submit to my Christian husband who won’t stop shooting me up with ecstasy? I cannot use narcotics, but I have a Christian husband who won’t

   Read More

3. Addiction Rehab Toronto

   Jun 08, 17 09:15 AM

   Addiction Rehab Toronto offers private drug and alcohol rehabilitation center for clients who are seeking recovery from addictions to drugs, alcohol, and

   Read More