How my addiction is affecting my life today
by Hope Taylor
(Buhl Idaho )
Who am I
By: Hope Taylor
May 22, 2015
Who am I you ask? What did I do in my past that has been affecting my life and choices I make in my daily life? Well to be honest, I am an addict. I am the perfect example of addiction. I am my choices, my fears, my thoughts, behaviors, and actions. Addiction affects people in their present lives in different ways. This is how my addiction is affecting me in my life today.
Sometimes I make different choices as to deter myself from addictive behaviors. Other times I make the same choices because that’s all I know, because my addiction pushes me towards those choices. My addiction is also what leads me to think it’s okay to make the old choices. I am in treatment today to keep me vigilant about making good choices and not bad.
Everyday I wake up next to the same loving and caring man. I am grateful now to have this kind of relationship with someone who loves me unconditionally. Today I look forward to the next, I want to see what my future, I want to live, and explore life. When I go to sleep that night, I sleep with the same man, and wake up with him again. If tomorrow, for some unknown reason, I decided to start using again I would loose everything that I have worked so hard for in my life today. This is why I make the choice everyday that I wake up to stay sober.
Today, my addiction affects the places I go, the people I see, and the things I do. I won’t go into Poindexters because I used to go and buy drugs from there. Even just passing buy makes me remember old times. I have to find another route to where I need to go because the affect it has on me is horrible. If I see someone in the store I had used with in the past I have to turn and walk the other way. When I see them I so badly want to run up and say hi. This is the kind of addictive thinking that I am talking about when I say: my addiction is what leads me to think it is okay to make old choices.
Lately, I have had to stop watching certain movies and TV shows like Sons Of Anarchy. This being my favorite and I hate not being able to watch it. However, when I see the drugs being used it makes me want to go out and get high. This is obviously a bad consequence that is from my addiction and how it is affecting me and my life today. Other things in my life I appreciate like the nausea I feel when I am laying down in my bed and I smell meth. I know it sounds weird, but I have come to hate the smell. I feel this is a good thing because now smelling that scent makes me not want to use.
My feelings about drugs and my addiction have changed many times over the years. Now I feel guilty about the way I have treated people when I start thinking about it. I have many regrets now that I didn’t have before. In my treatment, I am learning to forgive people, to let go of my grudges, and resentments. I feel like screaming because the things I dream about at night. I wake up terrified because I feel guilty about using, even though I know in my heart I didn’t do anything wrong. I like to do things with other people. I go out to the farm and help Shane with moving pipe and tending to the Llamas. This is the furthest I have ever been from addiction in the last sixteen years. I am grateful that this is an opportunity that I can actually enjoy. This is one of the things I look forward to.
I feel that my addiction contributes everyday to the person I am and the woman I will become. It is because of the things I have learned presently that I can live a life that does not include constantly thinking of using, dreaming of using, which I do almost every night. Right at this moment I am unable to do things that I want to do, however with time, recovery, and help I will be able to accomplish my goals. When I was using I took it to a whole new level. Today I am taking how my addiction is affecting my life in a new way. I am not as quick to think it’s okay to jump to the bad things because my addictive thinking says it’s okay. I can actually say that my addiction is making a positive affect on my life today. I say this because I do not believe I would be the person I am right now, if I hadn’t been the person I was then.
So, even though I feel guilty, am fearful of using again, and I am angry about some of the things I do today. I am able to make the correct choices to change and become a better person. I have made many wrong choices in my past because of my addiction, and many wrong choices today because of my addiction. However, now I am learning and growing, I am becoming more aware of my addiction and how it is affecting me today.