Husband doing cocaine?

by Heather

Hi,

I just found out that my husband has been doing cocaine for almost 12 years or so. He does it once or twice a month, at least this is what he's told me. He says wants to stop but doesn't think he needs help!

What can I do to help? He is surrounded by cocaine because the people who he works with and hangs out with use it! Obviously not hanging out with them is a good start.

I don't know what to do!!

Please help me out!!

Comments for Husband doing cocaine?

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Learn as much as you can about addiction
by: Debbie Wicker

Dear Heather,

My first question is your husband really only using cocaine once or twice a month? Most who use cocaine over a twelve year period use a lot more then that and actually become addicted to the drug. Is he lying about how often he uses? If not is he willing to stop his occasional use?

The issue that you have is people OFTEN lie about their drug use. Cocaine addiction, like other addictions, attacks the part of the brain that controls behavior and pretty quickly the addict loses the ability to quit. Your husband may be using MUCH more than he is admitting.

From the little I know about your situation it sounds like that is your concern. You're also right that who he hangs out with is of critical importance. Drug use is commonly triggered by other "friends" who use.

You're in a difficult position because you don't want to make a problem where there isn't one but you need to know if you husband has a problem with cocaine. You need to be very PATIENT yet persistent.

You need to look for signs of drug abuse: money missing, change in personality, dishonesty, anger, nasal problems from the cocaine. If you see a few of these signs then ask your husband to go to the doctor with you. Inform the doctor of your concerns and ask for his/her advice.

Cocaine is a very serious problem and using illegal narcotics is ALWAYS a bad idea, try to gently convince your husband of this and hopefully he will be willing to quit.

Good Luck,

Debbie

Be Sure to Get Help for Yourself
by: Anonymous

Hello,

It's very important for an individual in a relationship with someone with addictive disease to get help and support for him/herself rather than just focusing on the addicted person. 12 Step programs such as Al-Anon and Nar-Anon can be helpful in this regard.

Silica

In response
by: Anonymous

Hi!

I would've never known he did it if he had not told me. Now whether that be bc I did not know what signs to look for or that he has really only done it when drinking so there was a personality change a bit anyways.

I don't see why he would partially tell me what is going on, I mean I'm going to be upset regardless, even if he had done it once. He has told me he does want to quit and is going to.

Maybe I'm being gullible but I will know what to look for from now on. He has never bought it it has always been given to him. Besides this we have a very open relationship and he does tell me things that most husbands wouldn't, bc they would get in trouble.

He has wanted to tell me over the years so that he could be held responsible. Right now I can't say how it's going to go but we have gotten through a lot in our marriage and I know we can overcome this!

Thank you so much for your comment it is great to have support bc I know that I need it and he will too!

I agree with your approach
by: Debbie Wicker

Hi Heather,

I agree with your approach and I don't think you're being gullible at all. It is HUGELY important that your husband told you and was honest about his cocaine use. It is also very positive that he wants to quit. You need to continue to support him and to encourage him to quit.

Jumping to conclusions and assuming he is using more than he has admitted too could destroy your lines of communication and cause him to stop being honest with you.

When he says he wants to quit try calmly discussing why he can't quit. Try making the recommendation that he not put himself in situations where he is likely to use, i.e. not going drinking with the people who have given him the cocaine in the past to see if he can avoid using for at least three months.

Keeping the honest lines of communication open with your husband will hopefully allow you to both work through this problem as you have done with other problems in the past.

Good Luck,

Debbie

How do i know how much he has used?
by: Anonymous

I have recently discovered my husband has used cocaine. I have suspected that something was going on for a while now. He has been drinking in secret too and I have confronted him many times on this.

I had considered drugs were a possibility except maybe just denied it because he has always said he's never even smoked pot. However I have had suspicions and even a couple dreams where I caught him.

The other night I caught him with it. I didn't see him actually do it but he had a little bag in his hand that he tried to hide and at first said he had nothing. When in reached in his pocket I pulled it out. He said he has only used it five times and started about a month ago. I think this is a lie.

How can I tell how long he has been using it? If it's been a long time or if he has only used a few times? Now that I know the signs I can remember times when he was probably high or maybe coming off the high. I really don't know that much. I'm worried about what is going to happen.

He says it's not a big deal he's not addicted and he will just quit. I've read a lot about relapsing and craving the drug and becoming depressed. I feel I need to know how much he was using it in order to be fully supportive in helping him quit. Any tips and advice would be appreciated.

Addiction can occur at first use
by: Debbie Wicker

Cocaine is a highly addictive drug. Some people become addicted on first use. The question you should be asking is not how much is he using but how can you get him to stop using. Addition is a disease that attacks the brain and the sooner it is treated the better the outcome will be.

The fact that he has been using over a period of time and lied about using to you are all very bad indications.

I would recommend that you require him to go to the doctor, get drug tested and find out what the treatment is for cocaine addiction. The longer you wait before getting him into treatment the worst his addiction is likely to become.

It is very difficult to stop using cocaine without getting addiction treatment.

I would further recommend that you go to Al-Anon and learn about addiction. Once you begin attending meetings then try to get him to go with you. You both should begin working a 12 step program.

I hope that answers your questions and good luck getting your husband the treatment he needs.

Debbie

I just discovered my husband is on cocaine
by: Brianna

I also just discovered that my husband is on cocaine and while using that he cheats on me. I had no clue as I am not familiar with drugs or signs. I do know that he is always sniffing but I never had a second thought about it. I have no clue where to go or what to do. I want to get through this with him but it's hard, especially since I found out he has been doing it with the kids in the house.

You need to learn as much about addiction as you can if you want to help him.
by: Debbie Wicker

Dear Brianna,

Addiction is a disease of the brain that convinces an addict that they MUST have the drug! Recovery from addiction comes from the addict realizing that quitting is their only option.

I would recommend that you go to Al-anon meetings in your area and start working the 12 step program. Everyone I know has successfully ended their addiction has used the 12 step program to do so.

Once you're attending meetings invite your husband to go with you. When both of you are attending meetings and working the steps, the statistics show that your husband is MUCH more likely to get the treatment he needs to stop.

There is hope, but you must take action immediately to save your husband and your family from this destructive disease.

Good Luck,

Debbie

Runny nose
by: Unsure

I think my boyfriend is using cocaine, because he always has a runny nose all year round, and when he leaves the house, he comes back in a really bad mood, and always picks a fight for no reason at all.

Cocaine and husband
by: Anonymous

I am in the same situation and I do not know what to do I confronted him and he told me not to worry about it and that it is his life he could do what he wants and I can't tell him what to do.

I do not want this kind of relationship we have been married 34 years and yes he has cheated and had smoked MJ and stopped, but I think the guys at his new job are younger and do drugs. I told him this is really sad!

Support for Husband
by: Anonymous

Hi Heather -

I understand your position. The person you live with has admitted doing something and you are not sure how serious the problem really is.

I think it would be wise for him to visit a doctor to get himself checked out. He should also tell the doctor about his recreational drug use. Sometimes a physician can be very helpful in explaining the effects of the drugs and tests can reveal if he is actively using or how much damage he has do e to himself.

I had a boyfriend who was an addict. This man is your husband and you are married to one another. I think it is reasonable to ask him to go the extra mile for your own peace of mind.

I tried to reason with my boyfriend, but since we had no marital commitment he walked away rather that address the issue. I never really knew how much he was using, but I suspect it was a lot. It is hard to know what your husband is really doing. The fact that he admits a little shows he trusts you. Let him return the favor by paying a visit to a very good doctor and discussing it with the doctor as well.

This will shed more light on the matter and I suggest you go with him. You deserve clarity.
I hope your marriage remains intact. For certain individuals, a small admission is part of a larger story. The fact that his friends give him the drugs may be because they eventually want him to buy them. Do you have a shared bank account? Is there a lot of money going out of it?

Like I said, do not become too alarmed, but I would insist that he speak to a physician about this.

Good Luck.

personality change
by: addicted husband

I hear the same promises and same words for years.when they see that white powder they cant stop. These people think they don't have addiction and can stop anytime. Believe me they can't.

I did everything for my husband. Went to the doctor, church, supported him, talked to him, asked his parents to help. Nothing!!!!!!

He used to be a good person, now i don't know him. He gives empty promises. He blames everyone, he thinks I'm not fun, he acts weird when he drinks, ignores me. I can't even have conversation with him. He becomes aggressive.

After years i understood i need to leave him because i have 2 kids and it's not fair to spend all my time on him. And after all there is no appreciation.

Another view
by: Anonymous

I started using cocaine about 2 years ago, there is a breaking point when it changes from being recreational to becoming an addiction.
When I met my now fiancé, my life and health drastically improved. Still I would keep using, since then I have gone through many stages.

I hid it at first, then told him a few months in. He was surprised and scared, it was not what he signed up for. I have been steadily improving though not I the clear yet. By being conscious of triggers, excuses and lies I was telling myself I have shifted my lifestyle and thought patterns.

If your husband told you, he wants help, but don't expect it to happen instantly. Anyone who aware of their addiction knows it is hurting them and their loved ones. Getting angry and bestowing guilt will push them back to lying and hiding.

The worst part of my addiction was the burden on the ones I love, it causes a deep depression which makes the drug your only escape. Supporting an addict to recovery is tedious work, the more you can praise them when they are living clean and support them when they fall, the more they can focus on their patterns rather then torn emotions.

It is hard to be open, you can see the judgement in faces and everything good about you is lost and you are labelled for your weakness.
Once you are able to open up to someone without that a weight is lifted. Once you start, and you are past recreational, you will not stop until it's gone. If you can spend that time with someone who cares rather then go hide, you are able to recognize the mistake you made and move forward.

My mom went from guilt tripping me to playing scrabble and talking, my lapse lasted one night rather then the weekend and I woke up ready to continue my recovery and spend quality time with her rather then feeling guilty and hiding from the world. When your husband displays anger he is feeling ashamed and angry at himself.

The best recovery is a sponsor, because no one else understands what you are going through. I still lie to myself, when I have been doing well I think I can have a taste and control it. I never go on thinking I will have to call into work or fight with my fiancé, I think I can stop but i prove myself wrong every time.

You need someone to call when your craving that can help you through it, someone who has been there and knows the way your brain is working.
This post ended up very long but hopefully can give you some insight into the other side.

Most important,they are not only lying to you try are lying to themselves. Love and support, frustrating as it may be, will give them a chance to focus on the person they want to be instead of spiraling down into self loathing and guilt searching for a quick fix to feel better. There will be a time of depression but get through it and expect relapses.

As dark as addiction is, it exposes so much about yourself and who you surround yourself with, I'm not 100% yet but I am more aware and grateful for this life then I was before.

I have pushed my fiancé farther then I could ever imagine, my last relapse I fought with him all night and continued being selfish. I knew it was wrong and he is more important to me then anything. Please let me know your feelings through the hard times, I spend so much time focused on myself. What are the best ways I can show my appreciation and that I want to support him without getting overwhelmed.

Thank you

My husband
by: Anonymous

My husband say he isn't doing cocaine,but i don't believe him because he has lost weight and his attitude toward me is just nasty. He cusses about every thing and we never have money. Ever time I get in his truck I see weed bag with white powder in it. I'm always trying to talk to him but he cusses me out.

Please consider going to Al-anon meetings!
by: Debbie Wicker

It sounds like your husband may be addicted to cocaine and it may be getting worse. Cocaine addiction is a progressive disease of the brain that if left untreated can be fatal.

Losing weight, having no money and finding white powder in his truck are all very strong symptoms of addiction. The problem with cocaine addiction is that your system adjusts to it and you need more and more of the drug to feel "normal" and avoid the very negative symptoms of withdrawal.

I recommend that you go to Al-anon meetings in your area and learn as much as you can about addiction and how to help your husband. You will hopefully learn more effective ways to open up the lines of communication with him so that you can help him to figure out what treatment he needs to end this terrible disease.

Good Luck,

Debbie

Left my husband because of crack
by: Anonymous

I recently left my husband because he would not get help for his addiction. He said he didn't have a problem but he was smoking right in our house in front of me. Plus he would have his friends come over and they would do it too.

I threatened to leave and knew I had to follow through. I left before and came back. We have been together 24 yrs and married 14 of those. I love my husband and didn't want to leave.

Now I have filed for divorce because he has treated me so mean. I begged for us to go to counseling but he says no and still refuses.

All I have to say is if he is willing to get help stick with him. Mine wasn't and now he is threatening to make my life hell because I left and I heard he is still getting high. I don't know if it's true but I was praying & still hoping he isn't. Good Luck

drug use
by: Anonymous

My husband be has been on and off for years now, but now he's at the point where he has to do this everyday, and I'm at the point were I'm ready to leave him. He told me that he has this disease and that he wants help but he only says that when he's high and he can see that I'm upset. What can I do cause I can't do this along, I don't feel like he's sincere about it, but I'm ready to take action on getting him so help, I love him dearly!

Finding out on your own
by: Anonymous

I just found out my husband does cocaine. When he was getting out of the car, something fell out of his pocket. It was a clear glass thing. I'm not sure what those are called but they use them to put the cocaine in.

It crushed my heart to see he has been doing it for a while and I never knew. He confesses to me he has been doing it since we started dating but didn't want to tell me because he was ashamed of it.

He's a chubby man and he lost weight like crazy but cocaine never went through my mind. He says he can stop if he wants to right away but I don't know if I should believe him or not...

Hurt wife
by: Anonymous

Recently, I found out my husband was not at work overnight when he was suppose to be ... I never said anything and hinted around ... Then he came clean and told me he went partying and did cocaine...

At first I didn't believe him and thought he had to be cheating on me but now I'm starting to believe him because his nose is always running and he's always sniffing and having nose problems...

The other day I walked into his man cave and he had a straw that was about one inch long... He told me it was from the time before and that he wasn't using anymore ...

I don't believe him and now I think he's high all the time... I told him my father was an addict and it didn't end so well... My mother died trying to get him help and I don't want history to repeat itself...

I love my husband so much but I can't live this nightmare again ... I told him about my childhood and I just can't believe that he would experiment with anything ....

Please help me I don't know what to do?

The simple answer is that you need to try to help him to quit.
by: Debbie Wicker

Dear Hurt Wife,

What a shock it must have been to find out not only is your husband not working but that he is using cocaine. I don't blame you for being hurt, shocked and scared. Your family history makes this even more sad and difficult for you.

Deciding what you need to do next is difficult. Arguing and screaming at him isn't likely to help but it's what all of us feel like doing when we're angry and scared.

I recommend you begin attending Al-anon meetings a few times a week. At the meetings begin working the 12 steps and find a sponsor who preferably has helped her husband end a drug addiction.

Working with your sponsor, develop a game plan to get your husband to begin discussing going into treatment to end his addiction.

Try to stay as calm, encouraging, and as patient as you can but also be relentless that he MUST quit using and go into treatment. Let him know that drug addiction attacks our brain and that it is often fatal if left untreated.

Good Luck,

Debbie

Found Coke
by: Anonymous

Hi.

I never thought I would write this but..... I just found coke in an unheard guitar this evening. Well actually my sister and fiancé came over and I showed them my old guitar.

Well, I took it out of the case and her husband noticed it had something inside. He then searched the guitar and found a straw, rock and 2 cards my husband has. One of the cards was an old gift card and the other was to our vacation club card that we rarely use.

I never use this old guitar, go figure, but it makes for a perfect hiding place. Well he came home and states that it isn't his. I'd to believe him but I don't know what to believe. His cousin was at our house 3-4 weeks ago, who smokes and hangs out with dudes who may do whatever and they both state that it may be that guy. Honestly I'd like to know what to believe... please help!

Thanks anonymous


Trust is earned!
by: Debbie Wicker

Dear Anonymous,

Based on your story, it seems unlikely that anyone but your husband would hide the coke in your guitar. Who else knows that you don't use it? Who else has access to the cards that were in there?

You're in a difficult position, because of course your husband will deny using and deny that it's his, but the facts point to him.

There is certainly an easy way to find out the truth. You can have your husband go to the doctor an get a hair follicle drug test, which will show any usage in the last three months. The hair follicle test is the only reliable test especially if administered by a doctor.

If he is unwilling to take this test, then I'd recommend that you begin going to Al-anon meetings to work the 12 steps and figure out how to help your husband to stop using. Cocaine is a highly addictive drug, that often people don't realize is a problem.

Trust is earned one day at a time and right now, from what you've said, your husband needs to re-earn your trust.

Debbie

Husband using cocaine
by: Yolanda

My husband and I had been separated for several years, we became very close in early part of 2015 our baby boy had been a victim of violence where our son had to be hospitalized, we were very hurt for what he was going through.

My husband and I were each seeing one another on a daily basis, we got closer just supporting our child. He was diagnosed with depression my husband and I decided to get back together and renewal of our wedding vows December 13 even though he seemed to been going well helping one another making sure our child had both his parents support.

My husband explained too me how much he missed us over the years of his absence and how much he loved us and was grateful. He was giving us a second chance.

One day I began to notice my husband jumping up and down a lot, I didn't understand the behavior. So one day he said I need to tell you something I'm using cocaine. I couldn't believe what I had just heard my husband tell me. My husband went on to say just don't give up on me!

Well I promised him I wouldn't, but it began to get worse then on top of that he had a gambling problem. I told my husband he needed to 69 himself for counseling and do the 12 step for the cocaine problem. He told me for the drug problem it wasn't that bad because he only did it twice every two months, but there was never any sex, he would just kiss me on the jaw when going to work he would be at home at until payday.

Well, I stopped talking too him because it would just be an argument, when I tell him how I felt he'd act as if it didn't matter to him. I began to just keep my mouth closed and keep the peace. He would do things like throwing his shoes on the floor making loud noises to start and arguing I still keep my composer.

He would always have time for his men friends, laughing with them. But we couldn't even have a conversation with him just up leaving. He began not to talk with his children or me he would just sleep all day get ready for work and do this every day.

Well now it's around the holidays December 25. I get a text message him saying "I'm sorry for messing up your Christmas." I got him presents but I received nothing. Now same behavior on all holidays, I received nothing but hurt and disappointment.

I love my husband and I really want him to appreciate me, doing everything a good wife would do. From making sure his needs were met as far as him having clean clothes, food support, but it just wasn't enough for him. No love or affection from him just rejection no matter what I would do.

So, on our anniversary, which was just recently he didn't want to take me out for dinner or anything he just stayed in the bed. I was very hurt I kept quiet I went shopping got Christmas gift for everyone. He blew his check and came home and said "I sorry I will give you my check on Thursday, it should be about $500." I said OK. Well, Thursday came he was in bed most of the time that he should have been up gone to the bank to get his money. Well as he was laying in the bed I informed him I was taking my niece to her doctor appointment. He said OK where do you want me to leave your money? I responded saying on the dresser that will be fine. But once I returned back he was gone and the money was not on the dresser. I'll contact him to ask him were was the money he said it was in his pocket and he'd be in back to the house today.

This the 28 of December, I haven't seen or heard from my husband. I tried to call him, his phone just rings. Then I called back got the answering machine. I do no if he is alive or dead!

I pray he is OK, but my heart hurts so much married for 26 years. God gave him another chance with his family. Whoever reads this, I thought my husband might have became gay, due to him not wanting to make love to me or touch me, but he always finds time with his male friends. He hangs around they do cocaine. One of the guys works with him.

One day my husband left and said I'll be right back. I just said to myself, he has to be at work so he'll be back. Guess what, he didn't return home to put on his work clothes. The next morning here he comes in with another man's pants on. I got very upset, I told him why is it that you have some other man's pants on were is your pride! If you were in another man's pants, were you in his underwear too?

Something is so wrong with all of this, how do I deal with this? Am I suppose to be happy? Everything is so dark. I just found out our older child have HIV and the baby boy was attacked and has depression. We have no other children only these two.

I'm asking everyone all across the world to pray for my family, my husband sickness, as well as both of our children. I thank God for lifting me up to being strong. Sometimes I feel weak but the Lord is standing with me I need your prayers!

I will pray for you and your entire family.
by: Debbie Wicker

Dear Yolanda,

I will pray for you and your entire family. You're is such a dark and difficult place. Please consider going to Al-anon meetings to get support for you and your children. Al-anon helps us decide how to help our loved ones to get out of the addictions they're in.

Debbie

4 Kids, a home of our own, 8 years married and its not enough!
by: Vicky

I just found out last night that my husband has been taking cocaine for the last three weeks. I noticed a change in him over the past 3 weeks and it was a positive change. He was more willing to spend time with me and the kids. He was more relaxed and talkative and he seemed happy.

I stupidly thought it was because he had started a new diet where he was drinking more water and eating one meal in the evening. So I thought he was feeling better due to cutting down on sugar and caffeine.

I only found out as he had written a text to a friend about it. I do have trust issues with him because he started taking speed about 5 years ago which resulted us in us separating for a while. His mother is an alcoholic and his brother is a heroin addict. So addiction runs in the family.

He has said he was just trying it and didn't intend to keep taking it for a long period of time. We had been having problems with our marriage over the past year which I have put down to his anti-depressants not working correctly any more. He has been on the same tablets for over 12 years. He has made an appointment to see the DR which I have told him I am going to with him.

I just feel so devastated to think our marriage was improving because he was taking cocaine. He says he only has himself to blame and it was nothing to do with me that he decided to start taking it. He thinks he is not addicted but this is only day 2 of him not taking it.

I have no one I feel I can talk to. I feel ashamed to be married to him. I fear for our four children as I'm struggling to deal with this. They don't understand why I'm in tears all the time.

Don't give up hope on your husband.
by: Debbie Wicker

Dear Vicki,

You're in such a frustrating situation and I can only imagine how difficult it is for you. But please try not to give up on your marriage and your husband.

He is making REALLY bad choices, but does seem willing to go to the doctor and get help. That is SUCH a huge step that many people I work with NEVER take.

From the little bit that you've said, it sounds like he wants to be a good husband and he is working on the marriage(all be it with a very bad choice). Marriage is frustrating, irritating, and it can be debilitating, but it's also worth it.

You are in a VERY awful season of your marriage right now, but it will likely get better if you can make it through this very difficult period.

Please go to the doctor with your husband and let the doctor know EVERYTHING he is doing and taking. Get your doctor to refer your husband to a good psychiatrist.

The newer anti-depression meds can work wonders if your husband is patient and works closely with the psychiatrist through the trail-and-error period. It takes to get the correct meds in place.

I'm a mental health counselor and have seen the correct meds work wonders for depressed patients. I also HIGHLY recommend that your husband seek counseling with someone he trusts. His issues sound like they may be chronic depression which is call dysthymic depression. Talk therapy can be REALLY helpful for this disorder.

Please try to hang in there if you can and try to improve your own support system by joining a group like Al-anon or Celebrate Recovery in your area.

Good Luck,

Debbie

My husband uses cocaine and alcohol
by: Anonymous

I have a situation... 5 months ago, I found out my husband inhales cocaine while he is drinking. He drinks now maybe once or twice a month and I did notice behavior changes when drinking (my father was alcoholic too, so I've been exposed to this at an early age), but I always though it was only the alcohol, and we have talked about that too.

We dated for 4 years, and I never knew about the drug usage, I had always expressed my feeling towards drug usage, being that I got divorced 7 years ago also because of a serious drug problem, also with cocaine and other drugs.

I found out about the current drug usage two months after marriage through a family member. I felt betrayed... 5 months ago, when I found out, we talked and he confessed that he has been doing this for years, but only when he drinks and does not think it is a problem. At that time he promised he would never do this again, etc...

Well this weekend again, I had a suspicion and I ended up finding a left over bag of it in his jean pocket... again he says he does not have a problem with it, that he uses it simply because it makes him tolerate alcohol a lot more...and that he is sorry, etc... but since we have already gone through this 5 months ago and here he goes again...

I do not know what to do... this is not fair, had he told me or had I found out before we married, I would have never married him... I feel betrayed...

Boyfriend doing cocaine... Feeling helpless.
by: Anonymous

Hi,

I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years, when we first got together we both used cocaine on a recreational basis.

We now have a 1 year old gorgeous son and since I was pregnant with him I have become more and more against this drug, now i do not want it around our son, I completely resent cocaine, I hate it, I don't want it in my/our lives.

My boyfriend has done well in reducing the amount he has a lot but every time he goes out with particular friends who always seem to have to have coke, he will have some.

I become upset knowing he's with them now because I know that coke is going to be involved.
Over the last 2 years we have had so many conversations about it where I am trying to get my head around it.

My emotions are all over the place and I just wish it wasn't in our lives at all whether it's once a week, once a month or whenever.

I feel like a hypocrite because I did it with him and his friends before falling pregnant. I feel worried, upset, helpless, anxious. Do I need to just put up with it always going to be in our lives as it's now not often? I hate it so much now though:(

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