Just hanging in

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Just hanging in

by Joshua

(New South Wales, Mid north coast, Australia )


My name is Josh. My drug use didn’t really start until I was 20 and I’m now 32. At school growing up I was quiet, but popular at the same time as I was addicted to all sports and I was good at them. I used to play football but my real passion was surf life-saving, where I nearly made it as a professional iron-man.

When I was about 18, I started binge drinking here and there but I was still training 6 hours a day. At 20 I first started smoking weed and the off eckys or line of speed. From there, my sport that I loved and dreamed of making a living out of was done.

By the age of 25, I started using meth and party drugs not everyday just here and there. From there on until this day I have been living a life of drugs, drugs and more drugs. I could be using 6 or 7 different drugs in any one day… meth, coke, OxyContin, Valium, antidepressants, ecstasy and to top that of chucking in some steroids.

By the time I reached 30 I was a mess and I could not go a minute without using an illicit substance. All this has been done while working full time in a very important job as well as being a part time personal trainer.

I lived a double life for years no one knew how bad I was. But from 30 to 32 people started to notice things in that 2 year period. I spent around $200,000 on drugs and a typical day would involve half g of meth, 1 or 2 grams of coke, 200mg of oxy chuck, 5 or 10 Valium, antidepressants, serequal and steroids. This was usually a daily thing for at least 18 months. I was so scattered and so lost I was just trying to kill myself, I had a girlfriend that I put through a nightmare.

I had to do something soon so I went to a short rehab stint of 4 weeks the detox took 4 weeks. I was a mess, my organs were starting to screw up… first a heart infection than I found out my liver readings were in the thousands even though I hardly ever drink. Then, I got golden staff, then I had 3 teeth fall out all this happened in my first rehab stint.

I hated that place it wasn’t for me they didn’t allow for physical exercise which is the only thing that keeps me alive now… I luv it.

So I left the rehab after 4 weeks so I’d been completely clean for 2 weeks, I still felt horrible all the anxiety and depression was there more than ever. So, waiting at the airport for my plane I bought a couple packets of strong pain relief and there we go again I didn’t go straight back into full addiction but gradually it ended back right were I was… even worse.

I than met a girl as I has broken up from my last girl friend and this girl was a prostitute. I met her one day and from that day we were with each other 24/7. It was a very toxic relationship but we just had this amazing chemistry and addiction to each other we loved each other.

That’s when the drugs went up another level, it wasn’t her who wanted to use it was always me but she couldn’t say no coke because that was our drug of choice. We used anywhere from 4 or 5 grams a day and the money I was using was the bank’s money. I’m paying for it now as well as coke and everything everyday, also I’m using all of these uppers and all these downers lots of oxy and Valium.

We started to get sick a lot, always I’m in the hospital because our body’s were toxic. Anyway after another 6 months of self destruction and chaos between her and I, I decided to do another rehab this one was what I wanted. It had a beach nearby, a gym up the road, so I did 6 weeks in there 3 of those weeks I was completely clean besides being on the suboxone and antidepressants.

I came out that day, I was waiting for a train and sat talking to a lady and she said do u want any Xanax. I smiled from ear to ear, yes I wanted them 50 for $50 dollars. I thought this is OK because it was just Xanax. Anyway, I finished them up and started doctor shopping for Valium I was so anxious and couldn’t stop crying so I wanted myself back and for another 6 weeks I had great success.

I met a beautiful lady who I have fallen in love with she is an addict as well. Anyway, I stayed clean for 2 months all up but for the past 8 weeks I’ve slipped quite few times, I’m on suboxone still, but I have now got myself hooked on Valium and I’m using meth here and there.

I just don’t know what to do and I’m so scared that it’s always always going to be the same until I die. But I’m not giving up, we both have been using and still alive and I’m only 32. I still look fit and healthy I don’t know how I look like an athlete still if only they knew but it doesn’t matter what I look like because I’m still using and I hate it. So for the rest the day I’m going stay clean and go to a NA meeting tonight and I’m going to do whatever I have to to be clean.

I will get there I know I will and so will anyone else who wants a life not this life this is not a life it’s a nightmare and hopefully I will wake up out of it, Thanks!

Comments for Just hanging in

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You do have so much to live for!

by: Debbie Wicker

Dear Joshua,

Thanks for sharing your story so candidly. Your description of your addiction truly captures what it’s like to be addicted in today’s world where almost every drug imaginable is so readily available on the street.

As you said, you’re just hanging in there, and it sounds like you take different drugs to try to balance your moods and find a good place to be if only for a few minutes. Sadly, it also sounds like it’s taking a tremendous toll on your health and well being.

Losing the dream of becoming a professional athlete, and at the same time losing the popularity and support you received for your participation in sports can really be very psychologically challenging. That may have been part of what triggered your descent into drug addiction.

The good news is that you have been able to stay clean for some amount of time in rehab, but the minute you get out the urge to use and the availability of drugs makes it too easy for you to slide back into addiction.

Addiction is often characterized by relapse and to get your life back you may want to consider moving into a sober living facility for at least six months maybe even for a year to get all of the drugs completely out of your system. Meth takes a really long time to completely leave your body. Also, living with another addict is going to make staying clean essentially impossible.

Drug addiction is a disease of the brain that is fatal if left untreated. As you said, you’re very young, and you want to live! You have proven that you can stay clean so please take the steps necessary to move to a clean and sober location so you can continue your recovery.

Also, try going to NA DAILY for 90 days and working the steps. What step are you on? It sounds like you’ve completed step one and now need to do step 2 and step 3:

Step Two: Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

Step Three: Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God, as we understand Him.

If you can get through step 3 and start on step 4 it should really you help you to understand yourself and your addiction. Good Luck, I hope you can make it past this terrible disease.


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