2-9-15 Detoxification of my body has started. A week ago today I was taking between ten and fifteen oxycodone tablets a day. Today I have tapered to just one five milligram tablet.
I figured that if I was able to taper down before I stopped taking them the lasting withdrawal symptoms would be easier to bare. Boy was I wrong.
At about 14:00 today I started to get restless. I is now 22:00 and I can barely describe how I feel. It’s amazing that I can even type. But honestly as long as my brain stays moving and my fingers stay typing it doesn’t feel all that bad. Hence the journal entry.
My body aches and every muscle fiber in my body is screaming with energy to move, yet I cannot. My lower back and neck feel like I have been in a vehicle collision. I want to run so bad but I’m too tired to walk ten feet to the bathroom.
Doesn’t make sense does it? I know. My hands at rest shake like Michael J. Fox and my feet won't stop bouncing. Did I mention the headache? Yea that’s here too. Oh yea! I also forgot to say that I’ve almost doubled the recommended dose of Advil and earlier today I took three migraine pills that have aspirin in them.
If you don’t know this is not a recommended mixture of medicines because of the risk of stomach problems and bleeding. But lets be honest huh? I was just taking ten to fifteen percocets a day last week so I think I’ll survive.
I need to be studying but the only thing I can think about is getting these thoughts out of my head and wishing someone could read this and say “Dude I have been there before!”, “It gets better, don’t quit!”. The battle in my mind right now because of my profession as an EMT makes this all the more difficult. I know all the negative side effects on a medical level. I KNOW THIS IS KILLING ME, but I feel powerless to stop taking those insignificant little pills!
So I’m now fighting the battle of take them don’t take them and I’m hearing in my head all the medical lessons of how when people relapse it starts all over. DARNIT! I KNOW THIS! So why can’t I stop? I can go on all night but honestly I just want someone to talk to whose been where I am. I feel so helpless even having a strong support system. They don’t know what it feels like to be where I am.
"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened." - Matthew 7:7-8