My son is killing himself and I have to standby and watch
by A mother
(Chandler AZ)
When my son was five he got very sick, which left him with kidney disease, the doctors have said it is a matter of time before he needs a kidney transplant.
With that said, he is now a heroin addict. He doesn’t steal from me, his choice to fund his habit is to sit with a sign “Good kid down on my luck please help.” Also, he has been arrested for shoplifting a number of times.
Everyone tells me to kick him out, tough love, At any given time because of my sons kidney problems his blood pressure is up in the 160 range. The kidney problems have stunted his growth both physically and emotionally so he’s not very tall and very immature, and this has affected his self-esteem.
I have been a single mom since he was seven, his Dad couldn’t deal with his illness, or used that an excuse I’m not sure which, guess it doesn’t matter he’s not in the picture any more. My son would take advantage of me expecting me to support all his friends this has gone on since he was 12, and he would kick himself out for bouts. Taking off to California because he liked being on the streets in San Francisco.
But he’d always end up coming home, and I’d always end up letting him back. I had dated a man since my my son was eleven who was a widower with 3 sons. We held off on getting married long story short for various reasons, and my sons behavior was one of them.
Finally the last time my son took off. I moved out of my house rented it out and married this man. Then my son got arrested again this time for burglary tools, breaking into cars. It took some doing but I talked my husband into letting my son into living with us. But I didn’t know at this time he was using Heroin. I kept thinking it will be different this time, it’s not just me and Chris, my husband is a strong man I thought he could make a difference in Chris’s life.
We tried to put structure into my sons life he was now on probation, his PO was telling him get a job, he had a mandatory drug testing, he was in court ordered classes. He was talking about going back to school. My Husband let him know that he was the boss in a firm kind way. My son would leave the house every morning with a lunch I packed, he was told his job was to find a job.
When he wasn’t looking for a job he was to be at the library or the YMCA. He had to be home for dinner at seven or he would miss it, and be in bed at eleven. He seemed to be responding to this, my Husband put him on our insurance he was getting medical help he needed to address his kidney problems, and he was scheduled to have a mental health evaluation.
Then today he got arrested again for shoplifting, the officer said he didn’t find actual Heroin but all the fixings were there, and He knows Chris is using, and I know he’s using. I am sure as the officer was that is what is fueling the stealing. The officer looked truly sadden by this, and said to me “I know he’s young this is so sad I can tell he’s a good kid.” Now because he has a couple of warrants (we didn’t know about), and he is on probation he’s going to jail for awhile.
Now here’s my problem do I let him back into the house when he gets out? Do I put my new husband and my marriage on the line for this, do I put my kind loving husband though this?
Tough love and kicking a drug addict out seems to be the only answer for most people. But for my son that truly could be a death sentence. My husband will keep him on our insurance because that is the kind of man he is.
But I can’t ask him to pay for rehab and I can’t afford expensive programs. Do I tell his PO that I know he’s using? Were can we turn for help?
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Love and let go
The addict is powerless to his disease and belief in the higher power is the only way people obtain long term recovery. We want to help, but it is all just enabling, reducing the severity of the natural consequences of their actions. We are not responsible for their decision to use, and we are not responsible for their recovery. They are. God will and can help them clean but they need to want it and ask for it. We know how cunning and resourceful they are in obtaining money for.drugs. they can use their same wits and skills to divine a cure and recovery. So, let go and let God. Your strength will be admired and the healing will be amazing. Prayer is your strongest weapon. |
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15 and in the same place
I know what you must be going through. My parents are in the same situation, but he needs to hit rock bottom he really does… I relate to your son in so many ways. I am a “chronic absconder” as my mum and the police say . I run away and go live on the streets, and I thought I was happy that way. I begged for money all day and then I went on massive drug fueled binges at night, sometimes spending up to 500 a night on cigarettes, alcohol, and other substances. I finally hit rock bottom, I am going to a rehab in a few weeks, but you can?t be there to save your son anymore, my mum has had to accept that to. The thing is if you take all his mistakes and failures away, and try to make it better he WONT hit rock bottom. I know it will hurt but that?s were he needs to be… My name is Stephanie and I really do hope you son gets what he needs. |
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I know how your feeling
But when my brother came home to my grandma’s at 20 after jail.. he was still using, my grandma kicked him out.. He hit rock bottom, and he got help, and he’s been sober for a year… I know it’s hard to move on from someone like that, I’m not saying move on, but you will be helping your son so much, if you tell him he can’t come back to you… Don’t ruin your new marriage, you tried to help before, you deserve this now. He will listen, if you set the rules, tell him you wont be there for him ever, if he doesn’t fix himself, I’ve seen it, and be being 16 when all this happened, and me telling my brother, hes not gonna have his little sister, he listened… Please do what you thinks right, but I’m telling you, don’t baby him, hes a man now, I hope you find the right thing to do, and i hope he sees what hes doing… Good luck, |
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My son is killing himself…
Dear mother from AZ- Thanks for writing. I printed your story to remind myself that I am not alone – if you read on you’ll understand why. I definitely sympathize with your predicament. I am a mother, too, and my son is 27 years old and has been a drug addict since he was 14 years old. For years I took him to rehabs. and mental health units, bailed him out and got lawyers where he was arrested, and helped him out however I could. I had gone to Al Anon meetings (for families and friends of alcoholics/drug addicts) several years ago and then stopped for a bit but went back about 1 year ago. However, recently, after him being arrested for the fourth time – this time for driving while under the influence of drugs, I began to change my attitude. I began to really understand Al Anon’s concepts. That we cannot help the addict get better – only they can go into recovery and their higher power can help them. We must take care of ourselves and our other loved ones. Otherwise, all you do is make it easier for the addict to use and they never experience the consequences of their bad behavior. So, why should they change? I definitely agree with Ned’s comments. Especially the part about addicts becoming manipulators. My son stole money and prescription drugs from us. Also, he was EXTREMELY good at getting me to do what he wanted me to do (playing on a mother’s love and sympathies). I can’t believe some of the things I did. I highly recommend that you go to an Al Anon meeting and perhaps get a counselor to help you sort things out. Both of these resources have helped me TREMENDOUSLY as well as my minister – and most importantly my Higher Power-God. I give every day over to him and that has been working and helping me more than I can say! This disease affects the whole family and many friends. But it is a disease and the addict or alcoholic must learn how to take care of themselves – if not, it is a progressive disease and it will only get worse, unfortunately. Good luck and I’ll pray for you.-Lynette |
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Helping
I want you to contact Al-Anon and tell your story. Their members understand your plight. While I respect your perseverance and dedication to your son, you need to understand his disease and be smart in dealing with him. Addiction turns good kids into liars, manipulators and thieves. Your son needs treatment and you need to insisted that he get it. Perhaps the incarceration will offer an opportunity for treatment, which would be helpful and in the long run cheaper than just throwing him in jail when he gets arrested. The lifestyle has to change. He is going to have to do his part and he’s had plenty of chances to be open and honest with you. He needs to demonstrate behavior worthy of trust. He can’t be allowed to ruin your marriage and he needs to understand that you have your limits. Learn from Al-Anon and let them help and support you in your effort. |