When to give up on a cocaine addicted partner?

by Maebe
(Nashville )

I've been living with my boyfriend for ten years. He's been a crack/cocaine addict since day one. He was arrested for possession eight years ago, received probation and claimed he gave up coke since then. Even though he failed a court ordered drug test, I thought we were on the right path, at least he's trying.

I thought i could love him through it. I was young and naive and thought i could be enough to "save" him. I'm not. I have known he's been using the whole time we have been together. I am unable to address it and talk to him about it. I've tried, many times.

He denies using coke at all even when its obvious he's high. When i suggest he is under the influence of cocaine he erupts and it's gotten abusive. He belittles me, has put his hands on me ... lies. He doesn't admit he's an addict, but he is. he uses several times a week, thinks I'm stupid, like i can't tell when it's painfully obvious.

He recently let me know I'm a "fat, disgusting slob," who no other man would ever have. He then assaulted me, left me covered in bruises and a sore body the next day, so sore it hurt to move. That was the straw that broke my back. he's said cruel things in the past, cut me to my core, pushed, shoved, threw me to the ground and calked his fist in my face ...but i always say its not really him doing these things, it's the cocaine.

I've felt for more than half of our relationship as trapped. I love him more than anybody but i can't take it anymore. Worrying about what he's doing, who he's with, if I'm coming home to the same man i left this morning? Is he alive or did he overdose??

For the last three years, its gotten the worst it's ever been. He was hurt at work, and is completely disabled. Does coke most days while I'm at work. I come home to a miserable, irritable, mean shell of a man. It's heart-wrenching! It hurts me to see him in such a state but i feel such anger and resentment for him.

I want out but i don't at the same time. I keep waiting for him to wake up and realize what he's doing but all he can ever do is blame me. "it's my fault he's in a bad mood. it's my fault he gets so mad and violent. i drive him to it."

When he's sober, which i can usually get a few good days a week out of him, he's the most perfect man for me, we click and connect, laugh and enjoy one another. Yet deep down he's hiding this huge thing that is ruining our relationship.

I recently met someone and it's getting serious. He wants to get married and be together. At first i was feeding into him to pet my long suffering self esteem and worth but something changed and i contemplate the possibility of him. I think i might be falling in love with him, or maybe just the idea of him. Somebody so different than what I've been hopelessly enduring.

I feel no guilt for the affair. I feel as if i deserve to have my own dirty little secret that i can think about when i come home to that monster most nights. I still don't know what I'm doing but i do know that I place the deterioration of our relationship on him, completely. I have tried so hard to get him to admit, i even said just tell me that you're using and stop lying! I told him the lying hurts me more than the act of him doing drugs. he doesn't care and still denies using. If he doesn't care then why should i?

I give us another year, if his addiction continues, once i find a way to make sure he invests his settlement into a property for himself (and not drugs ) and i know he will be able to take care of himself and the dog (i haven't decided if I'm taking him yet)..I think I am really going to leave him.

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You're in avery sad and difficult situation with no easy answers.
by: Debbie Wicker

Dear Maebe,

You're in a very tough relationship that's very hard to live with but equally hard to end. None of us can "save" another person because we each make our own choices every day.

I highly recommend that you begin attending Al-anon meetings in your area today. Nashville has a lot of excellent Al-anon meetings that can help you to learn about your boyfriend's addiction and the best way to deal with it.

When you attend the Al-anon meetings, please start working the 12 steps and finding a sponsor who has been where you're at now. Allow the sponsor to hear your story and work with you to determine what you should do going forward.

Anytime I hear about physical abuse and hitting I'm highly concerned for your safety. Normally, physical abuse escalates and becomes worse and can become life threatening very quickly. Please be sure you have a plan to get out of your situation to a safe location if you are in danger.

Please stay safe,

Debbie

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Do you have a question or story? It's easy to ask your question or submit your story. How? Simply click here to return to Al-anon.

and Finally Remember:

"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened."
- Matthew 7:7-8


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