by: Debbie Wicker

Dear Colin,

What a sad story of addiction you’ve lived. Because you wife was already addicted to meth when you met and married her it is hard to say if you truly know any of her motives for marrying you. The person you thought you knew is not the person she really was.

I feel like your wife has gotten help and support for her addiction but you have not received any help. I would strongly recommend you find a good support group to join and attend meetings regularly.

Al-anon is a great place to start… so that you can learn how to gain back your own identity after suffering through your wife’s terrible addiction. Find a meeting where you feel loved and supported so that you can learn to disconnect from your wife if needed.

There is also another support group called Celebrate Recovery that I would also recommend. CR is a Christian based group that will help you work through the issues that are holding you back as you try to move forward.

Ask around and see if you can find out where some good meetings are in your area and go to begin learning how to rebuild your life and your self esteem.

Good Luck,

Debbie

by: Anonymous

Thank you Debbie for your response ..
I have attended Al-anon meetings, and I do have all the Al-anon books and read them often … It was however at a time when I believed I could help her, and have never thought of Al-anon as what it truly is …for the support of the addict family ..

I have attempted a few times to get back to the meetings ( of which they all made me feel welcome ).. However the majority of the people at the local meetings are female, and I feel a little uncomfortable in a room of women that are talking about their spouse or significant other .. And I am the only male in the room !

I guess I have never really entertained the thought of how much I have suffered from her addiction .. And looking back at what I have put my children, and my family, and myself through .. I desperately need help to pull my life together ..

As you stated earlier, that I may not know the real motives of why we married, and trust me that has crossed my mind numerous times, and I have confronted her about this, and she has said that she married me because she loved me, but I still turmoil about that ..

I used to have the support of her whole family, her mom was like my mom, her sisters like my sisters, and was always included and invited to family events, and since she has come around again, I have not been invited, and rarely get an invite for any family event!

I haven’t just lost my wife, I have lost my family ..

My blood family are scattered throughout North America, my oldest son is in the same town as I am .. But he has his own family to look after also .. He is there for us, just not as often anymore .. And although we talk often .. It’s just not the same.

Thanks for the advice … I will have to make the concentrated effort to reconnect with an Al-anon meeting group!

by: Debbie Wicker

Dear Colin,

From your description I agree that a support group with mostly women is not going to help you that much. I counsel many divorced people and have found that a church divorce-support group might be more helpful than Al-anon.

The current issue that seems to be so difficult for you is the issue of your divorce and separation, not the addiction. So you should look for a support group that deals with those issues and will help you work through them and move on with your life.

You also may be suffering from depression caused by all of the turmoil. If you have not already done so, I would recommend going to your doctor and having a checkup and potentially seeking some counseling to help you to re-establish your self-worth and self-esteem.

There is also a group called Celebrate Recovery which is available in many areas. They separate groups by gender which can be REALLY helpful for dealing with these kinds of issues.

Taking action will help and seeking as much support as you can find will also help over time.

You’ve acted very well by protecting your children and supporting your wife; she has made terrible choices and acted horribly. Hopefully, you will move beyond her and start your life over with healthy, supportive people.

Debbie

by: Anonymous

I very much appreciate the advise that you have given to me .. It’s an eye opener to me just how far I have allowed at first another’s addiction, and secondly NOW the divorce/separation to effect basically my whole being!!

I need to find some help, and I think you may have “hit the nail on the head” in regards to now I need to deal with the separation/divorce — as I’m sure I am still in denial about this!

by: Anonymous

I am also a guy who has been involved with a woman with an addiction. She lies and makes up such stories that it tears me up. I actually attempted suicide because I became so depressed over her, and compounded by other issues in my life.

Every single day I say I am going to break it of with her but can not commit my self to ending this toxic relationship.I love her but know I am destroying myself.

I give you so much credit for taking care of your kids, but I feel for you in not ever knowing what was real and what was not. As for her family, I know how that can hurt. I dealt with the loss of my wife’s family after thirty years of marriage.

My wife’s family alienated me after my wife passed away. They could not accept me trying to rebuild my life after she passed away. Not that I started dating immediately, it was over a year before I went out with another woman.

The loneliness hurts and I think that is part of the reason I don’t end my current relationship along with loving her and wanting to take care of her.

It is all so confusing.

God bless you and your family.

by: Anonymous

Wow, I thought I was the only person going through meth hell and I don’t do the stupid stuff. my wife of 14 years is on meth so bad she left me and her girls and is off with this nasty guy who is much older than her and has her strung out on it. He’s doing it for the same reason all guys get women on it and that to use them for sex.

In a million years I never thought she would give up her kids but watching a documentary on meth shows me how little I knew. It takes the voice of reason and logic out of you. Then it rewires your brain and leaves the person wide open to doing things that they never would have dreamed of.

It’s the worse thing in our society and I see no way of stopping it. I love my wife as you do and I’m just in the first few weeks of her leaving and I don’t know if this helps but I realized this will be a life long problem that isn’t mine.

She chose drugs and another man over me when she was close to being herself now I know she is a portion of who she was and what horrible pain would she put us through with her choices to come. So I realized I can deal with this pain one time and get over her or let her back in or try to get her back and deal with this pain over and over. I choose one time. Look into the release technique and Hooponpono and hypnosis to get over someone on YouTube and do it listen when you go to sleep.

I’m so much better off now vs a few weeks ago and I keep believing God will send me the right person. I too have not been with another woman even though she has had so much sex with so many guys it’s sick.

I still have to answer to God for my actions and I can’t say well look at what she did. Live for your kids and finally put her in the past. I know this is so hard but if you’re not with her you’re supposed to be with the one God has for you and you’re thought’s and love for her are blinding you to finding the person you’re supposed to be with.

I hope this helps and I will pray for you and I ask you pray for me and my girls. Meth is powerful however God is more powerful. You must believe to achieve. I hope this helped you and maybe we will both be able to find wonderful clean women.

by: Anonymous

Find a good lady and move on sir, that’s what I’m doing now. Feel free to respond to me here at anytime. I’ve got horrible stuff I’ve had to deal with. My name is Darren and I’d love to hear from you!

by: another nice guy

Women are cheating more than ever. They are more promiscuous and it seems the majority don’t share grandma’s moral fiber or values. If you spoil them, they will act up and cause problems for sure, instead of appreciation. They all want the bad boy, even if he’s broke or self centered and not willing to lift a finger to help at all.

I’m hopefully done with dealing with this now, except the emotional fallout, etc. Quit being the victim is the best thing you can do. Get your head and everything else together. Don’t show any concern or interest in her. Best to keep it that way, and not flip back to the role of nice guy. YOU WILL BE SORRY!!!!

It will never be a normal or a decent relationship. More than likely just using each other till something comes along arrangement. Stay away from using to compete with her lovers accolades. He’s won already.

It is best to own your half of the good and bad- don’t be sad, mad or bitter. Just move on. She’s a hurricane, she is a destroyer…

by: Anonymous

Find a church support group. Get your kids involved
so that a pattern is not repeated. Involve yourself in school with them. A wonderful person will enter your life.

Move forward. Look forward. Seek and you will find.

God bless you and your family.