With a crack addict
by Sheladelle
(minneapolis MN)
I have a 5 year old son with a crack addict. I broke up with him once while I was pregnant but recent events put us back together in the last year.
My child is finally adjusting to having his father living with us, and his father is finally adjusting to being a family man. Well almost……
the 1st 8 month being back together were the best 8 months of my entire life. It was better than the 1st time we dated and accidentally created a perfect child. We didn’t argue, we went to church, we spent quality family time together, and were able to find mommy and daddy time too :).
Right around our birthdays (me and his birthday are 2 days apart, and our son’s is 1 week after his dads- which makes us lucky Leos-All born in the year of the cock) he had his 1st relapse after a 15 month sobriety.
He disappeared for 6 days on a street-walkers fantasy.
When he finally came home, we talked about the importance of him not wandering the streets high for days. My big concern being that something could happen to him. When i broached the subject about his using he was very apologetic. We talked about steps to get his relapse under way, and possible treatment programs.
He called a few treatment programs and got the run around. they wanted him to do a rule 25 in a week and could possibly get him a bed by the end of the month.
Needless to say he was not strong enough to follow through and now (almost 2 months later) weekly he is disappearing for 1 day here 3 days here (whenever he is off from work) and going to get high.
I have tried to minimize his times by controlling all assets. his checks come automatically to me and I ration them by paying the bills, buying the groceries, and picking up the necessities.
I just knew if he had no $ he could not go get high. I have learned that he needs no money to get high and usually comes home with cash in his pockets.
My fairy tale has turned in to a nightmare. Recently I had come home and found him smoking crack in the bathroom. Naturally I freaked out and he left. I picked him up downtown the next day with the promise of no change.
I do not know how to get rid of him. and if I did I do not know if I can live with out him either. I feel raw and defeated. With out him I do not think I could financially afford to survive and all of our assets are in my name so its not like i could disappear into the night.
How can I get him help while making him think he is doing it for himself? Is that even possible? and if it is possible what direction do I take?
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Obvious Choice
You have a baby at home and he smokes crack cocaine in the bathroom? Maybe his paycheck is important, but the health and well-being of your child is also important. Your man needs to get into treatment and nothing short of his commitment to do that is going to help your situation. People don?t just quit. I can see how this is a nightmare for you. You have to decide what you want for you and your baby. Do you want to live in a drug house? Do you want his friends coming over and doing drugs in your living room? Girl, you have to lay the law down and be the adult. If you have family, maybe they can be of help. If he has family, what are they doing to help? He is not going to get better on his own. Crack is a nasty drug and destroys lives. But this is his problem and you can?t afford to allow it to be your problem for one more day. The Rule 25 option may be your best bet. The drug treatment center wants to do an assessment and they need to get the funding. I would keep that option open. You also need to get some help for yourself. Give Al-Anon a call and talk to somebody. They have people who have walked in your shoes and understand your fears and concerns. But do that now and get the drugs out of your home and out of your life. If his addiction cycle continues unchecked, there will be no more room for you or his child. He will abandon you for the drugs. He needs help. |
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With a crack addict
First of all, I definitely sympathize with you. My first suggestion is for you to go to an Al Anon meeting in your area. It is for families and friends of alcoholics and we also talk about drug addition. This group has helped me a lot. As far as helping your boyfriend – and I hope this is not too harsh, I have recently and finally, realized that I CANNOT control my son’s behavior (and believe me I tried). I like a saying I heard, “You didn’t cause it, you can’t cure it and you can’t control it.” Also, An Anon stresses that you take care of YOURSELF. We are often are so wrapped up in trying to help the addict that we neglect ourselves (I did this, too, for many years, until I became sick). I have been dealing with this for 13 years and my son is 27 years old. For the addict, I really believe that the best help they can get is from Alcoholics Anonymous meetings. People there are often very experienced and can help them get in touch with others who can help them get in a rehab. program, etc.. Also, they are great listeners. Both programs stress anonymity – what is said in the meeting stays in the meeting. Well, best of luck and I’ll say a prayer for you.
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