15 year addiction to pills, and I think I finally may be tired of it.

by Katie

(TN)

I’ve been looking for a place to blog, a place to tell my story. Somehow it seems like if you write it down, someone is going through it with you… as if you are not alone………

It all started back when I was a young mother of four small babies. I wanted to always prove I could handle it all, and I did, without drugs for a long time.

Slowly things in my life began to fall apart. I had post parteum (sp?) depression after two of the four of my babies. Drug use started quickly after.

I became a mom at 17, and I became married the same year. Up until that point, I had never even smoked pot.

Long story short, while trying to prove I was perfect…I ran across some imperfect people.

No, they didn’t make me take pills.

They offered, and I took them.

It was at that point, pills became the love of my life. It was still early in my drug use, I found it easy to quit during my last two pregnancy’s. I didn’t even smoke a cigarette, but soon I was faced with taking care of my small children alone.

While one father was off doing drugs, and my current husband was offshore working to support us. My mom had picked up a crack addiction at the time, so I had no help.

Soon, pills became my help again. They helped me get up in the morning and face the world. Nothing was impossible with Hydrocodone by my side.

After a while, I began partying and drinking with my friends. Hell, I was only 21. I was overwhelmed. I was a child taking care of children.

My marriage was soon over, and it was at that time I realized I lost the love of my life. I spiraled down hill after that. I got to the point to where I had to let my children move in with their fathers.

They weren’t taken away, but I knew it was better for them at the time. (Baby daddy number one’s mother was helping out. He was worse off on drugs than I was.)

They didn’t want to give my kids back after. And the guilt just made things worse. After about a year of really bad shit, I tried to pull it together. I moved back home and went to college.

My pain pill addiction slowed at that time, and I quit the use of all other drugs.

It is now five years later, and it has crept up on me again. I know that I need to stop, and I am so tired of living this way.

People say go to rehab, but if my kids father’s found out I went…they would make seeing my children impossible.

I love my kids too much for that to happen. As it is right now, I only see my older two kids maybe six or seven times a year.

They are teenagers now, and I will not try to move them back with me. They are in a stable, loving home, and they are doing wonderful in school.

I can not be that selfish.

My younger two kids I see every other weekend.

So, I’m going to try to taper off, so I won’t be sick. Which is easier said than done.

I can get pills so easily…so I will have to make a effort to stick to it. It’s going to be so hard, and I worry I won’t be able to do it.

My entire family takes pain pills, so it’s around me no matter what.

Still, I have to try.

My story is much longer, but I’m guessing no one would want all the details. I’m wondering if anyone else has tried to successfully taper off.

Please send all the comments you can. I’m very interested in what other people think, and if I could I would like to help at least one person.